Deja vu all over again

I've been a bit MIA. If I owe you an email, or a phone call, or a thank you note, I am really really sorry. We've had so much going on, and I've retreated a bit I think, into my own thoughts and my daily life with the girls. I will get back to you...and you and you. I will get back to here and writing, after this week.

Katie is having her cardiac catheterization done this Thursday (she has a pulmonary stenosis including the valve and patent ductus arteriosus). At her last appointment with her cardiologist, he told us her heart looked the same (the right side is getting thicker but it's not terrible) and he didn't see any rush to do the procedure, that he thought it would probably be after the holidays. But after speaking with the surgeon, they decided that Katie is over 20lbs and a year old, and there is no benefit to waiting any longer, so let's do it now, before her heart does get worse.

I've known for awhile that October 23rd was the day, but sort of put off thinking about it. I'll worry about it after the golf tournament... I'll worry about it after the girls party... and then, it was time to worry about it. And I have, believe me. I had my little melt down this weekend, and freaked out and panicked and felt sorry for Katie, sorry for myself, wondered why us, why so much to deal with (because there's more than just Katie's surgery even, more I won't go into right now but more, more more).

Then I woke up early Monday morning and felt like, it will be okay. We will get through it, Katie will be fine. Just take it one step at a time, one minute at a time. We took Katie to her pre-op appointment yesterday and it made me feel better, just seeing where she'd be, hearing exactly what's going to happen. I am still worried of course, but at least it's manageable. Being back in a hospital is difficult, being in a children's hospital is incredibly difficult... being there with my sweet sweet Katie is just torture.

I have talked to Jack more the last few days than I think I ever have. Nonstop talking to him. I know he is here, and he is with Katie, and he will stay by her side. I know. And I will be so relieved when it is done, it has been hanging over our heads since last December, knowing this had to be done. I've worried about it, worried her heart is getting worse, worried she would get an infection. The procedure will be done through a catheterization going in through her inner thigh. A small metal shield will be put in to close the PDA, and a balloon will be inserted to try and open the PS. She will be in the hospital HOPEFULLY only one night, and I will get to stay with her. They said she should be up and fine the next day.

Katie will be fine. She has to. There is no choice.

You know what I am really missing though?

Faith.

I have no faith anymore, and I'm not even talking in a religious sense necessarily. Just faith that things will be okay. Faith that my prayers mean anything, that anyone up there cares. Faith that bad things don't happen to good people. Faith that if the odds are in your favor, it will be fine. Faith that the universe couldn't be that cruel.

I miss feeling like there is someone, something out there looking out for me, for my babies, for my family. I feel like there is no one I can depend on to make everything okay. So I ask my Jack, I put it all on the shoulders of a tiny baby boy to help us.

I have more faith in him than all of heaven.