Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Deja vu all over again

I've been a bit MIA. If I owe you an email, or a phone call, or a thank you note, I am really really sorry. We've had so much going on, and I've retreated a bit I think, into my own thoughts and my daily life with the girls. I will get back to you...and you and you. I will get back to here and writing, after this week.

Katie is having her cardiac catheterization done this Thursday (she has a pulmonary stenosis including the valve and patent ductus arteriosus). At her last appointment with her cardiologist, he told us her heart looked the same (the right side is getting thicker but it's not terrible) and he didn't see any rush to do the procedure, that he thought it would probably be after the holidays. But after speaking with the surgeon, they decided that Katie is over 20lbs and a year old, and there is no benefit to waiting any longer, so let's do it now, before her heart does get worse.

I've known for awhile that October 23rd was the day, but sort of put off thinking about it. I'll worry about it after the golf tournament... I'll worry about it after the girls party... and then, it was time to worry about it. And I have, believe me. I had my little melt down this weekend, and freaked out and panicked and felt sorry for Katie, sorry for myself, wondered why us, why so much to deal with (because there's more than just Katie's surgery even, more I won't go into right now but more, more more).

Then I woke up early Monday morning and felt like, it will be okay. We will get through it, Katie will be fine. Just take it one step at a time, one minute at a time. We took Katie to her pre-op appointment yesterday and it made me feel better, just seeing where she'd be, hearing exactly what's going to happen. I am still worried of course, but at least it's manageable. Being back in a hospital is difficult, being in a children's hospital is incredibly difficult... being there with my sweet sweet Katie is just torture.

I have talked to Jack more the last few days than I think I ever have. Nonstop talking to him. I know he is here, and he is with Katie, and he will stay by her side. I know. And I will be so relieved when it is done, it has been hanging over our heads since last December, knowing this had to be done. I've worried about it, worried her heart is getting worse, worried she would get an infection. The procedure will be done through a catheterization going in through her inner thigh. A small metal shield will be put in to close the PDA, and a balloon will be inserted to try and open the PS. She will be in the hospital HOPEFULLY only one night, and I will get to stay with her. They said she should be up and fine the next day.

Katie will be fine. She has to. There is no choice.

You know what I am really missing though?

Faith.

I have no faith anymore, and I'm not even talking in a religious sense necessarily. Just faith that things will be okay. Faith that my prayers mean anything, that anyone up there cares. Faith that bad things don't happen to good people. Faith that if the odds are in your favor, it will be fine. Faith that the universe couldn't be that cruel.

I miss feeling like there is someone, something out there looking out for me, for my babies, for my family. I feel like there is no one I can depend on to make everything okay. So I ask my Jack, I put it all on the shoulders of a tiny baby boy to help us.

I have more faith in him than all of heaven.

35 comments:

Gillian said...

Oh, Megan! (((((hugs))))) I know this is so difficult for you, but I have all the faith that Jack will be right by Katie's side and bring her through this effortlessly.. He will also be there to comfort you. You know he will.

My thoughts, hopes and best wishes are with you guys this week!! Katie is a strong little lady- she'll do wonderfully!

Heidi said...

Sending hugs to you, Katie, and the family...you're in my thoughts.

Sugar Mommy said...

Megan,
My thoughts and prayers are with you and Katie. More (((hugs)))

Kimberly

Jody said...

I come from a family that epitomizes bad things happening to good people. I won't get into it here, but I remembering asking a nun in maybe third grade religion what the point of praying was if we had free will, and other people had free will to hurt us, and bad things happened anyway. I don't recall every truly believing that prayer or God or angels would save me or anyone I loved. How can anyone have that faith when so much bad happens every single day? I don't know.

But, I do know that Jack is protecting Katie and watching over her, and I'd put a whole lot of faith in that little boy of yours, too.

I hope all goes well with her operation. And whatever else is going on, too.

Holly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Linda said...

Sending daily prayers for Katie and for your family that she is home and back playing again in the blink of an eye.

Maria said...

Sending all of you positive thoughts and the faith that Jack will be there all along.

Anonymous said...

Sending prayers to you all!

Marie said...

Megan. i wish i had words for you that would make everything better but i don't. im so sorry. she's going to do awesome though. jack will be with her to guide her though. hugs

rachael said...

lots of hugs & tons of prayers headed your way and katie's. hang in there megan!

Minnie said...

Sweetie, I'm so very sorry you're going through this.
I'll be sending prayers like crazy your way.

Elle Charlie said...

I'm sure Jack is watching over your little girl Katie and will be right by her side during this procedure. I'm sorry you're missing your faith - I'm sorry you have to worry about Katie and her heart. My thoughts and prayers are with you and with Katie, hoping that soon, all will feel right, safe, and good again.

Emily said...

Thinking of you and Katie. You will all be in my prayers. I know Jack will be fiercely guarding Katie over the next few days - even more than usual!

leona said...

I know its hard to have faith after all you've been through and I think its fine to put all of your faith in Jack. That's what angels are for. Katie will be fine and so will you!

Anonymous said...

Prayers for Katie and for your family!

Anonymous said...

Megan,
My thoughts and prayers are with you during this procedure with Katie. I'm sure she will be fine. Jack will be helping you to get through this, and Katie too. Wishing you the best!

Anonymous said...

Stay strong....

Sara said...

I am so so sorry you are having to deal with this. I will be praying for little Katie and you tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

Megan, You're right Jack is right by Katie's side and he will be with her and you FOREVER.
Please know that I'm thinking of all of you and sending all the best wishes for Katie!
Regina

Allison said...

I have more faith in Jack than I do in heaven...whatever that might be. Katie will certainly have an angel next to her. Many blessings to little Katie.

Lisa said...

I know this is something you've been worrying about since Katie was born and, in a way, it's probably a relief for the time to be here so you can move past it. I know how scared you are. I also know what it feels like to question that faith that has guided you since before you even conceived. Lean on Jack. But, know that Jack IS heaven and heaven IS Jack. He is part of the perfectness that we believe is there to help us through difficult times and he will be there for you tomorrow.

Abbie said...

Oh wow! You are in my prayers! I pray that everything will go very well and she will have a quick recovery. And I am praying for you and your husband.

Kathy from the Yahoo Group said...

Sending tons of prayers and hugs to both you and Katie. She'll get through this with flying colors - just watch. After all, Jack is watching over her.

Millicent said...

It has been so well said already, so I will just say that Katie and you will most definitely be in my prayers. I know it would all be said and done by now. I pray it all went perfectly.

Molly said...

I have faith in Jack too. Katie will be fine. Jack will make sure of it.

Christi said...

I hope that everything went well w Katie yesterday and she is recovering. Hope you are doing okay as well, I'm sure it was not easy on you...

so interesting what you right about faith, I am right there with you... but I know your Jack is watching over you all.

you are all in my thoughts.

ersterling said...

i hope everything went well with katie's heart cath. your family is in my prayers. hang in there, you know jack is looking down and loving you all.

Anonymous said...

I am sure Jack loves being your faith.. and you have fans of your blog that read all the time and care for you and your family very very much. We wish you and sweet Katie all of the best......which you both deserve

Cristy-CT Nestie

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you and your family. I hope everything went well with Katie. The girls are strong, like their mother.

Anonymous said...

Hope Katie is doing well. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Lisa said...

You don't know me but I've been reading your blog since the beginning. I just wanted to say that I've thought about you all day today and wished all good things to Katie, you and her doctors today. I look forward to hearing of her quick recovery, and that you've been able to have a glass of wine and put the day behind you. Hang in there!

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL said...

I read this the morning of the 23 before work, so didn't have time to comment. I've been thinking of you and your family with LOTS of prayers for your sweet little girl. I hope that everything went well and Katie and Charlotte are back to running around exploring and playing together really soon. :)

Hazel said...

Sending all the best wishes to you all & especially to Katie.

I haven't read your blog before now (the most random clicking you could imagine brought me here) but your girls are gorgeous and I'm sure they'll bring you nothing but happiness as they get older.

Mae, Kenny, Kami, and TWINS on the way! said...

First of all *huge hugs* I read through your blog...and boy..I cried my eyes out. You are a very strong woman. You have very beautiful children by the way. I just wanted to send my thoughts out to you and your family. My oldest daughter is a month older than your girls, and in May 2009 (or April...but hopefully no sooner...) we'll be having twins. Since I found out I was having twins, I've been on a mission. To find out all I can about how life will be like with multiples. I know my life will be VERY blessed! I keep reading all these wonderful heart breaking touching blogs and I just cry thinking about it all!

LisaD said...

Oh, Megan, you are all in my thoughts. I know from your posts that the procedure went well. Hugh to Katie, and Charlotte, and most of all to you.