Turn Around

Tuesday was Katie and Charlotte day, also known as the day they came home from the NICU. I don't remember a lot of things from the first few months of the babies lives, but November 3, 2007 is forever burned into my brain as one of the happiest and most terrifying days of my entire life. I wrote about it last year, and it all still holds true.



One thing about that day I didn't mention though, is the regret.

I hate regret. I've fought it my whole life, that nonstop feeling that I've screwed everything up, that I wasted an opportunity, that I said the wrong thing, wore the wrong thing, WHY did I act like that, why did I not see how foolish I was..... it took me a long time to stop. To feel comfortable with who I am and the choices I make.

But now there are a few things I just can't let go of. I have a list in my head that I go over and over, that I lay in bed at night and think about. The ache to 'redo' them sometimes is overwhelming. They are all about Jack, and they are all small things, not life or death moments. Things that I should be able to let go of but just can't.

The day we brought the girls home from the hospital, I wanted them to go in and say goodbye to Jack and take a picture of the three of them together. They hadn't been together since the moment they'd been born - the girls had been together in the step down unit, but Jack was over in the main NICU.

They wheeled me into the NICU, carrying the girls, to see Jack. And he was asleep, if I remember correctly, and had already been taken out earlier in the day (which was a big production) so PJ and I could hold him. And someone, I don't even remember who, said "there will be plenty of time to get pictures of the three of them. You'll have thousands of pictures of them." And I hated to disturb him when he was asleep, and all the tubes and the vent and the monitors made it complicated to begin with, and the girls were all bundled up, and so, we left.

We said goodbye to Jack, and left. With no idea that ten days later Jack would be flying to Philadelphia and never coming back. We left, with no pictures.



There is not one picture of my three children together. None. My girls will never have a picture with their brother. I want so badly to go back, to lay them next to him, put their heads next to his, let them be close again for even a moment. Give myself that memory of my three babies, all together.

I want to go back and shake myself, make myself turn around and say no, there won't be thousands of pictures of the three of them. There won't be any. THIS is your chance. This is it. You will regret this forever.

I'm sorry Jack, and Katie, and Charlotte. I wish I could have given you that picture, and that moment.

All Treats, No Tricks

Halloween was rainy and pretty crummy here in New Jersey, but that's one of the things that's so great about being two years old. You totally and completely don't care. As a matter of fact, there is nothing better in the world than a rain puddle. So despite the weather, we had a great Halloween.


Mommy, Daddy and Katie. My costume pretty much made picture taking impossible.

The girls loved every minute of it. They loved their pumpkins, their costumes, the candy, the trick or treating, everything. They were already obsessed with ringing doorbells so I had a feeling trick or treating would be a big hit... getting to ring a doorbell, have someone come out and tell you how cute you are AND give you a lollipop? That's a winner all around.



They loved handing out the candy too. They stood at our front door with their faces pressed against the screen, waiting for kids. As soon as some came up the steps they'd say "HI!! HI" HALLOWEEEEEN!" Katie would say "BOO!" and Charlotte would do what Charlotte always does now, which is introduce herself "I'm LALA!! LALA!!!"

Super, super cute.



I am in love with the age of two so far. I know it can get rough, but they are so happy and funny and silly and I can't get enough. When i walk in their room in the morning they yell "Hi Mama! Hi Mama!" over and over, so excited to see me. It is the best imaginable way to start my day, every day. Lucky lucky me.

Woof!

I updated Jack's blog - Jersey girls, there's one hour left to get raffle tickets for the Life is a Highway Photography Package (it ends at midnight). The big drawing is tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, both of my girls are very excited. Katie says HALLOWEEEEN all day. Every pumpkin, decoration, even orange cupcake sends them into fits of glee, and I'm not sure what they even think Halloween is exactly. But I do think they're going to have a really great time - let's just hope it doesn't rain.

I'll be back with many many pictures, I'm sure, but here's a little sneak peak from a Halloween parade we went to last weekend. As Charlotte would say, WOOF WOOF!!! Hope everyone has a really great day!

Twinkle

The girls are really starting to talk, a lot. Katie especially but Charlotte is definitely catching up. I LOVE IT. Love, love love. I love that they're able to start telling me what's bothering them, or what they're thinking or what they want (although all Charlotte wants is MILK. From the minute she wakes up, MILK! and then all day, MILK! MILK! Again, good thing we're switching to 1% milk, I think). I love hearing them count, and sing songs, and try and say the alphabet.

Tonight they wanted to wear these play dresses they got for their birthday, and they looked SO cute.

And Katie said one of the best sentences ever..... "Mama, I need a wand!" That's my girl.


Princess Katie says "where's my wand?"


Princess LaLa has hers (and isn't giving it up).

I'm realizing too that they really, really understand what I'm telling them. That all my insane chatter and babbling hasn't been in vain, they get it. And they are so smart (in my totally biased opinion).

Katie loves to sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and she sings it so so cute. After I sang it to her only two or three time she just sort of got it. My mom had her on the swings one day and told her she was going to go so high she would touch the stars, and sure enough, Katie started singing "Twinkle Twinkle."

Now she sings it every time she's on the swings. And when she and Charlotte are on the swings, going really high, I've started telling them that Jack is in the stars. That when they get high enough to touch them, they should say hi to Jack.

On our way home from the park we always pass by the cemetery where Jack is buried. Every time we go by, I tell the girls "Say hi to Jack!" Last week we were driving home, passed the cemetery, and my mind was in another place - I didn't say it like I always, always do. When from the back seat I heard a little voice say "Hi Jack!", and saw two little hands waving in my rear view mirror.

And then Katie sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

Yes, my girls. They understand everything.

Ginormous

As I suspected, my little girls are not very little at all.

They are both (give or take a small amount) 34 pounds and 37 inches tall.

Off the charts. Over 95th percentile for height and weight.

It's awesome. The pediatrician said they are growing great... do you think??? They were THREE POUNDS and like 17 inches long when they were born. They definitely caught up.

She did say she thought we should switch to 1% milk though. Which is PROBABLY a good idea.

The doctor wasn't concerned with Charlotte's talking, since she does talk and her words are very clear. She said give her a little time, she will probably have a word explosion within the next few weeks.

I can't tell you what it feels like to walk out of a doctor's appointment with NO problems, no follow ups or worries. Where everything is fine. It feels impossibly wonderful. I'm not sure when I'll be able to take the girls to the doctor and not feel an impending sense of doom, not be waiting for the bad news.

They do look awfully healthy though, that's for sure.


Katie has a crazy love of hot spinach artichoke dip. No, really, she does.


LaLa and her favorite, mac and cheese. Not sure if this is a face of bliss or too much macaroni.


Another favorite food, ketchup. Please notice the spinach dip covered fingers.


What? Dessert?? OKAY!

Now, about the Bump Blog Contest. What a mess.

When I received the email from them last night telling me what happened it was not a shock to us at all. The contest had been hacked!! REALLLLY? You mean the fact that a couple of the blogs (NOTE MINE, just by the way) got almost 700,000 votes between them overnight was not legitimate? That's shocking. I had told PJ that afternoon, forget it.... we're done. This is ridiculous and unfair and I don't want anyone else wasting their time on it. I feel terrible about all the time and energy so many of my friends and family expended on voting.

I think the new version of the contest (where people submit a note about their fave blog and the Bump Editors will decide the winner) is much better, much fairer, and more about the best blog and not the most obsessive voters. But I won't ask anyone to do anything else, because you have all already done far too much. I was (and still am) THRILLED to have won the Multiples Award. Reading some of the things people wrote about this blog literally brought me to tears. Such amazingly kind words. I am really really touched and again already feel so lucky. I have already won a thousand times over.

Now with MORE begging!

Thank you all SO much for voting for Multiple Baby Pileup on the Bump's contest. It was a realllly close race, Pam is an awesome blogger (and competitor!) but we WON!! SO excited!

I feel sort of strange writing here right now though, at least until the competition is over. Sort of under the microscope if that makes any sense.

The only way I've been able to keep this blog is to delude myself into believing no one I know was really reading it. I knew my friends were reading it (as in the Nesties) but that was fine - there was nothing I wrote here I wouldn't tell them myself. But people like my family, my high school friends, old coworkers, my in-laws.... I convinced myself they knew nothing about it, even after some of them mentioned it to me. I would just quickly change the subject because, like I said, I just couldn't focus on the fact that all these people read what I wrote here.

No kidding myself now. This contest has been plastered all over Facebook - every.single.person I have ever known in my entire life, it feels like, knows about MBP. And I'm okay with that. But I might keep trying to convince myself no one is really reading it, they're just voting for it. :)

Tomorrow is Charlotte and Katie's two year check up with the pediatrician. It feels like forever since we've been there. I think they're doing really well, though I am a little concerned about Charlotte's talking. Katie is blabbering away, she is hysterical - it's like living with a mimic. Everything I say comes out of her mouth two seconds later.... "Oh no!! Hmmmm, I know! Wait a minute! I said come on!! Hurry up! Let's go!! GO GO GO!!"

Charlotte has a lot of words, but she uses them begrudgingly at times, and still doesn't really use two words together, except for an occasional "No thanks" or "Hi cat!" I wouldn't say I'm worried, and I think if I didn't have Katie I wouldn't think anything of it. But it's hard not to compare.

Today was a beautiful fall day, and we took full advantage of it, visiting two playgrounds and the zoo. I don't know about Katie and LaLa, but I'm exhausted. Those two are maniacs.


These two LOVE to climb, and are (terrifyingly!) good at it.


Hey, ducks!! You want a pretzel, duck?


LaLa trying to climb in with the very stinky elks and bison. P.U.


Pigs, look, pigs!


What? the pigs want my candy corn!


Bye giant ducks! Or geese!! Whatever you are! Bye bye!

Remember, again

I'm always asking for something, it seems.

I originally started this post to ask you to please, please vote for my blog (over and over... you can vote as many times as you want). I'm nominated on the Bump for Best Multiples Mommy Blog, and I'm up against some really really good blogs, written by amazing women who I know and like. It's really exciting! That said - I want to win!! It has really good prizes.... I would love the $1,000, man, could we use that....

Best Multiples Blog: The Finalists



Then I remembered, today is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. If you could, please light a candle at 7pm for all the babies lost, all the families out there who remember every single day, will never forget for even a moment the baby they lost.



I read a lot of blogs, I'm a junkie. And there a few that I just adore, they are 'friends in my head' as Wendy Williams would say. I realized that these blogs are all very different but all have one common thread - they are all written by women who've lost a child. It's a club we're all in, that no one would ever ask to join. But I thank God for the other women in it, who understand.

The writings of Kate especially some days seems to come straight out of my head. It's like she is able to see inside, to what I'm thinking, put all my jumbled craziness down on paper far more eloquently than I'm ever able to. The site Glow in the Woods is also the most amazing, amazing place, the most honest, painful, raw, beautiful words you can ever imagine reading on the loss of a child.

Today, on this day of remembering, if you want to understand a little bit better what it's like to walk in these shoes every day, read this. Please. When I won the Best Writing Award a couple weeks ago, or when someone leaves a note saying they think I write well, the first thing I think of is Kate and almost feel embarrassed. Read and see, see what truly incredible writing is really like.

So thank you for remembering my Jack today, and please, remember Abigail, and Spencer, and Ames, and Maddie, and the Doodles, and Matteo, and Annaleigh, and Liam and Sydney and Carynne and so so many other sweet babies who've been lost.

And the saddest part of today for me was realizing how since last year, that list has grown so much longer.