Thanksgiving '09

Thankful.... for everything.

My children. Husband. Home. Family.

For all of you.

For the unending love that continues to go out to Jack. For everyone who keeps him alive.

For the best job in the world, taking care of two crazy, adorable, hilarious girls,
and a husband who works two jobs so that I get to do the job I love.

For a good nights sleep
and Chipotle chips and guacamole
and the word "Mama! Mama! Mama!" said over....and over... and over again.

For my Keurig coffee maker
and online shopping (you try shopping in a store with two toddlers. Really, try.)
and Glee
and Cadbury Eggs - at Christmas!

For pink fuzzy slippers
and sloppy baby kisses
and Starbucks Gingerbread Lattes
and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star sung by two year olds.

For It's a Wonderful Life
and Christmas lights that make Charlotte say "Ooooh... pretty!!"
and swings and slides and monkey bars
and hearing Alicia Keys sing Jack's song. Any time, and every time.

Thankful to love and be loved.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving.


Two tired girls, after a long Turkey Day.

Burning Up

When your kids are sick, it feels like life just STOPS.

Charlotte has had a fever since Thursday morning (she probably had one during the night Wednesday but I didn't realize it). She has NO other symptoms... no cough. No runny nose. Throat looks good. Ears look good. I've spent a LOT of time at the pediatricians and they just don't know what's wrong with her. She acts fine until the fever hits about 104.... then it gets scary. Motrin brings it down, but it was only getting it down to around 102. Crazy how 101 degrees starts to seem low.

Today was a bit better- she had no fever this morning, then it came back this afternoon but only to 103 (only 103! crazy), and the Motrin brought it down completely. I'm praying it will be gone tomorrow, because if she STILL has a fever that's day four and the pediatrician said I've got to bring her back in. Which I dread.

Let me tell you - the 'sick' waiting room at a pediatrician's office is NOT a pretty place right now. I saw puke. Twice. I put so much hand sanitizer on Charlotte I think she may have gotten a small buzz off it. I can only hope we didn't catch anything worse from our hours spent there (part of which was while we were waiting to try and catch LaLa's pee in a bag.... I even went out and bought her a Sprite because she didn't want to drink anything... and she peed all right... but not one drop went into the bag. OF COURSE).

Poor Katie, while not sick (THANK YOU GOD) is what I lovingly call "my hemorrhoid" and normally sticks to me like glue every waking moment. All the time I've spent away from her the last few days, not to mention the attention I've paid to Charlotte, and the time poor LaLa has spent on my lap, has left Miss Katie none too happy. Some days I just need two of me - or a much bigger lap.

Anyway, I hope hope hope my poor baby is better tomorrow. And Katie doesn't catch it. And I get my life back. And I don't end up with typhoid from sitting in that waiting room....

Some pics from happier times, also known as Wednesday. :)

Don't Leave Katie Alone. Ever.

Mischievous. It's such a cute word, like you're talking about a little imp. Oh, my Katie, she is so MISCHIEVOUS lately!

Yes, it's adorable. Just (insert your own expletive) adorable.

Every morning I put on Max and Ruby, which used to guarantee the girls would sit glued to the television, and race upstairs to get dressed. Literally ALL I'm doing is putting my clothes on. I shower before I get the girls out of their cribs, I put my makeup on downstairs. I pretty much let my hair air dry and just use the straightening iron on it very quickly so I don't look completely insane. I take five minutes to get dressed (and trust me, it shows....). And in those five minutes Katie has found the time to be so so so MISCHIEVOUS.

For awhile now she has been very into the freezer. We have a fridge with the freezer on the bottom and it was far too tempting for her to stay out of. She would get ice cubes, which was not too bad. Then I found her sitting with a box of fish sticks. Not great. Once she took the can of frozen grease drippings and was trying to scrape some out with her fingernails... ok, gross. Then she found the ice cream and it was all over. Every morning (and honestly, any moment she could sneak out there) she would grab the ice cream and sit on the floor eating it out of the container with her grubby little fingers. And when I'd walk in and catch her she'd say "Ice cream! YUM YUM!" Well it is (as opposed to GREASE), but still... stay out of the freezer!

She drew all over my dining room tablecloth with ball point pen. She loves ball point pen. She also likes to draw on her feet. And on Charlotte.

She went into my breakfront and found a candy dish - with candy in it from last Christmas - and graciously shared all the year old Andes Candies with Charlotte. Mmm, a nice big chocolatey mess.

She figured out how to hit the 'copy' button on our printer and made about 100 copies of a letter I'd left on the scanner.

She climbed up on a chair to reach our thermostat and turned our heat up to 74 degrees.

Today though, today was her masterpiece in mischievousness.

Today she climbed up on the dining room table and got my makeup bag.



I guess I need to take them upstairs with me when I get dressed.

(Just have to mention again... TOY DRIVE TIME! There will be frequent annoying reminders. :)

Toy Drive Time!

I can't believe we're half way through November already. I'm really excited for the holidays this year. My girls loved Halloween, I can't wait to see what they think of Christmas.

Speaking of Christmas, the Jack's Fund Toy Drive has begun!! Please, check out Jack's blog for all the information. We again have an Amazon Wishlist so anyone, anywhere, can purchase a toy. The Fund has really had an incredible year, especially considering how the economy is right now. It is so amazing how generous people can be.

The one thing I am dreading is the real cold weather starting. It will mean an end to our daily trips to the park, which my girls just adore and never ever seem to tire of. I have no idea what we're going to do with ourselves all winter.....

Turn Around

Tuesday was Katie and Charlotte day, also known as the day they came home from the NICU. I don't remember a lot of things from the first few months of the babies lives, but November 3, 2007 is forever burned into my brain as one of the happiest and most terrifying days of my entire life. I wrote about it last year, and it all still holds true.



One thing about that day I didn't mention though, is the regret.

I hate regret. I've fought it my whole life, that nonstop feeling that I've screwed everything up, that I wasted an opportunity, that I said the wrong thing, wore the wrong thing, WHY did I act like that, why did I not see how foolish I was..... it took me a long time to stop. To feel comfortable with who I am and the choices I make.

But now there are a few things I just can't let go of. I have a list in my head that I go over and over, that I lay in bed at night and think about. The ache to 'redo' them sometimes is overwhelming. They are all about Jack, and they are all small things, not life or death moments. Things that I should be able to let go of but just can't.

The day we brought the girls home from the hospital, I wanted them to go in and say goodbye to Jack and take a picture of the three of them together. They hadn't been together since the moment they'd been born - the girls had been together in the step down unit, but Jack was over in the main NICU.

They wheeled me into the NICU, carrying the girls, to see Jack. And he was asleep, if I remember correctly, and had already been taken out earlier in the day (which was a big production) so PJ and I could hold him. And someone, I don't even remember who, said "there will be plenty of time to get pictures of the three of them. You'll have thousands of pictures of them." And I hated to disturb him when he was asleep, and all the tubes and the vent and the monitors made it complicated to begin with, and the girls were all bundled up, and so, we left.

We said goodbye to Jack, and left. With no idea that ten days later Jack would be flying to Philadelphia and never coming back. We left, with no pictures.



There is not one picture of my three children together. None. My girls will never have a picture with their brother. I want so badly to go back, to lay them next to him, put their heads next to his, let them be close again for even a moment. Give myself that memory of my three babies, all together.

I want to go back and shake myself, make myself turn around and say no, there won't be thousands of pictures of the three of them. There won't be any. THIS is your chance. This is it. You will regret this forever.

I'm sorry Jack, and Katie, and Charlotte. I wish I could have given you that picture, and that moment.

All Treats, No Tricks

Halloween was rainy and pretty crummy here in New Jersey, but that's one of the things that's so great about being two years old. You totally and completely don't care. As a matter of fact, there is nothing better in the world than a rain puddle. So despite the weather, we had a great Halloween.


Mommy, Daddy and Katie. My costume pretty much made picture taking impossible.

The girls loved every minute of it. They loved their pumpkins, their costumes, the candy, the trick or treating, everything. They were already obsessed with ringing doorbells so I had a feeling trick or treating would be a big hit... getting to ring a doorbell, have someone come out and tell you how cute you are AND give you a lollipop? That's a winner all around.



They loved handing out the candy too. They stood at our front door with their faces pressed against the screen, waiting for kids. As soon as some came up the steps they'd say "HI!! HI" HALLOWEEEEEN!" Katie would say "BOO!" and Charlotte would do what Charlotte always does now, which is introduce herself "I'm LALA!! LALA!!!"

Super, super cute.



I am in love with the age of two so far. I know it can get rough, but they are so happy and funny and silly and I can't get enough. When i walk in their room in the morning they yell "Hi Mama! Hi Mama!" over and over, so excited to see me. It is the best imaginable way to start my day, every day. Lucky lucky me.

Woof!

I updated Jack's blog - Jersey girls, there's one hour left to get raffle tickets for the Life is a Highway Photography Package (it ends at midnight). The big drawing is tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, both of my girls are very excited. Katie says HALLOWEEEEN all day. Every pumpkin, decoration, even orange cupcake sends them into fits of glee, and I'm not sure what they even think Halloween is exactly. But I do think they're going to have a really great time - let's just hope it doesn't rain.

I'll be back with many many pictures, I'm sure, but here's a little sneak peak from a Halloween parade we went to last weekend. As Charlotte would say, WOOF WOOF!!! Hope everyone has a really great day!