Wednesday, January 9, 2008

One week

Thank you all so much, I can't believe how many people were praying and thinking of Jack. I read every comment left on the last entry, and on my post on the Nest. I really took so much comfort from them. One of the things that's helping me is knowing that Jack touched so many people, and all those notes are proof to me. I look at them and think how one little sick baby will be remembered by people all over the world.

I want to write about Jack's last few days, but it is just too hard right now. I will say that the last hour I spent with Jack was the most special, incredible thing I've ever gone through. I feel so incredibly honored and blessed to have been there not only when he entered the world, but when he left it. He left with such grace, and peace, it too has given me some comfort.

He also made it clear he was ready to go. I feel like it was his last gift to us that he made the decision a little bit easier. It really wasn't much of a decision at all. He got progressively worse from Sunday to Monday.... by Tuesday evening, they had to sedate him and turn his vent all the way up to keep him from having more bad episodes where his heartrate dropped into the 50s, and his oxygen saturation dropped down at one point to 8 percent. They kept him comfortable and alive because I was not ready to let him go yet.

I'm not angry at God anymore, I made peace with him those last days I spent with Jack. A huge part of it is that, he has my baby now. I can't be angry with him. I have to have faith. I have to believe I will see Jack again.

I know Jack was here for a reason, and he was only meant to be here such a short time. I told PJ, Jack did more good and touched more people in less than 3 months than I have in 38 years. We need to spend the rest of our lives trying to catch up to him, though I don't think it's even possible.

Jack's funeral was amazing. So many people came to say goodbye to Jack, even some of the nurses from his time at St. Barnabas, which really touched PJ and I. We will never forget the nurses we met, both at St. B and at CHoP. They are the strongest, kindest women. So many of them told us how much they loved Jack , that they would hold a piece of him in their heart forever. They loved him and cared for him. They cried with us when we let him go.

Bloomfield made Jack an honorary firefighter. He had an honor guard standing next to his little casket. When they carried it out of the funeral home, the street out front was lined with fire engines, and a row of firefighters all standing at attention from one end of the street to the other. The procession had a police escort, blocking off Bloomfield Avenue through six towns. Two officers on motorcycles rode alongside the hearse, one on each side, with the fire engine leading the way. Everyone we passed stopped and looked, some made a sign of the cross, some even saluted. I wanted to yell Jack's name out the window, say this was my boy, he deserves all of this. My little cross eyed baby, who couldn't even breathe, never even left the hospital, got all this.

The priest at his funeral talked about how Jack had cracked open all our souls. I think he did. He opened them up, and we all have let so much in because of it. So much love, faith, hope. I hope it means we've let some out too. I hope we never let them close again. We have to keep them open for Jack. Don't let him fade away. Remember him, please. Remember him by being kind to each other, loving your family as much as you can. Being a good friend, a good person. Don't let little things upset you. Keep the perspective on life that I know Jack has given me. He fought so hard, he was so brave, he gave so much love without ever saying a word.

We chose a local cemetery for Jack, and I'm so glad. It's in my hometown, and close enough that I can walk over with the girls and we can visit him whenever we want. The day PJ and I went to pick out his plot, we were standing on the spot we chose, under a tree right near the road where children walk by and people walk their dogs, when PJ said, Meg, look!! He pointed to the street sign right across the road. The name of the street is Jackson Place. We couldn't believe it. We knew for sure then, it was the right place for our Jackson.

That Sunday before he died, when I walked in first thing in the morning to see him, he was laying in his crib, eyes wide open, staring at himself in the toy mirror Santa had given him. He was waving his little arms around, and his eyes were big as saucers. He looked so happy, this baby who couldn't smile, he was smiling. That is the moment I try to think of when I remember Jack. He did have joy, even with all his pain, his suffering, the tube down his throat, he still had joy.

228 comments:

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Anonymous said...

I'm deeply touched by Jack and your family. I'm sending healing prayers your way. God bless you and your girls.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your story. Jack will always be in my thoughts.

astral said...

I'm very sorry for the loss of your son Jack. From reading what you wrote about him I know that he was very much loved and a very special baby. I wish you all the best during this hard time. Katie and Charlotte are beautiful. I wish you all the best with your girls.

katd said...

What a beautiful, moving post - a lovely tribute to your angel son. I am so sorry for your incredible loss. You are in my deepest prayers right now.

Anonymous said...

I have read your story from the beginning and prayed for Jack to come home to you. I am sorry for your loss but please know that because of you being brave enough to post your story. I hold my son a little tighter, kiss me a little more and let the small things slide a little more often. So thank you for being brave and sharing your wonderful family with the world.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. Even though I have never met you or Jack, I feel like he has forever touched my heart. My heart goes out to you and your family. Also, I must say that you are an incredibly strong woman to have gone through this and at the same time shared the store in such a beautiful way. God Bless You and Your Family.

Anonymous said...

This is the most beautiful thing I have ever read in my life Megan. Rest in peace Baby Jack. You have all touched my life so deeply.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your life with us...
Jack has made me give my little boy even bigger hugs and kisses! He will always be remembered!

Anonymous said...

Megan- I have follwed your story on the nest and want you to know what an amazing woman you are! Your son has touched so many people- Those whom never even met him, or you for that matter are forever changed because of your amazing little boy. You should take great pride in knowing that your little boy did so much for the world- he touched more hearts and cracked more souls than most people have as adults. Your post was beautiful. I am glad that you have found peace and may God bless you, your husband, the girls, and of course baby Jack.

Anonymous said...

I've been following you blog but have never commented before. You are right that Jack has touched so many lives, I know that he has touched mine and I will never forget him or his story. I am so sorry for your loss and I admire you for your strength. I wish you all the peace and happiness with your 2 sweet baby girls that you deserve.

Anonymous said...

I too discovered your blog through the Nest, I cried when I read Jack had passed but couldn't get anything out then. Nothing seemed quite enough for what I was feeling for the sweet little boy I've never met but have loved and was cheering for. I am sorry for your physical loss but in awe of your strength, courage and the love you are able to express.

I'm crying again but this time it's different. It's the tears that come when you are in the presence of so much love and just touched beyond being able to do anything but cry.

We're all here still wishing the best for your family and our Angel Jack.

Anonymous said...

Jack truly was and continues to be a very special boy. Thank you so much for sharing the story of his life with all of us. I have told many of my friends and families about him and your family and they all feel the same way.

Also, your faith in God through all of this is such an inspiration. I have been going through some tough times lately and have been questioning my own faith. But reading this entry and then rereading the earlier ones have helped me so much. Thank you so much for that.

You all continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

akayf

Anonymous said...

What a beautiful tribute. Jack deserved to be honored the way he was. I will continue to pray for strength for all his loved ones.
Nestie Cristallynn

Unknown said...

I dont even know you and I cant stop thinking about you and your family. I found your blog on the nest, and I have checked it frequently hoping for an update saying that you all hanging in there. You are an amazingly strong person, and its wonderful that you have taken so much good from such a horrible situation. Hold those adorable little girls tight at night and always keep baby Jack in your heart. I know theres a lot of us that will never forget him. God bless you and your lovely family.

Anonymous said...

First thing that comes to my mind after reading that is WOW. That is so beautiful. You and PJ must feel so honored, as you should. Jack has touched so many lives, its amazing - people who don't even know you and your family like myself. I can assure you Jack will never be forgotten. You guys are strong and an inspiration to everyone, always remember that.
Christine
(Christine76)

Rachel said...

You are so strong. It's amazing. I can't even imagine the amount of love and hurt and sadness and LOVE that you are feeling right now.

I will never forget Jack. Never.

Anonymous said...

What a wonderful tribute to a special little baby. No baby or Mother or Father should ever have to face what you have. But we get no choices in this life. All of you faced it with such grace, strength and honor. There will be a place for all of you together again. Bless all of your family.

Mom N' Dad said...

I've been following your story and praying for your family for a little while now. I thought of you and prayed for you during a song that Natalie Grant sang at our church on Sunday. I hope that you are able to find peace in God's comfort. Here is the lyrics to the song in case you want to read:

"Held"

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Anonymous said...

We never would have known about Jack if it wasn't for your voice.
Thank you for sharing your personal and innermost thoughts.
Your heart has made Jack's voice heard, even though he never said a thing.
You should feel very proud of the mother you are.

Julie said...

I discovered your blog a month or so ago when someone posted it on the Boston board of the Nest. I have checked in from time to time, your story so touching. I have been hoping and praying for your little ones, but also for you and YH. I had forgotten to check over the past week or two, and was so saddened to see that Jack has passed. I know he is in a "better place"... I know this. But it still breaks my heart and I'm just so very sorry. I will keep praying for peace. Jack has touched the lives of so many people -- those that knew him and for those, like me, who wished we had. I will also keep praying for your two girls, and that they will keep growing healthy and strong and bring the light of their little brother, as well as shine for themselves as well.
May peace and love surround you all. (Julie from the Boston board)

Unknown said...

Hi Megan, my name is Leigh and I work with your friend Melba. She told me about your blog months ago and I have been reading it religiously ever since. I fell in love with all of your babies before they were even born, and I never imagined that things would turn out the way they have. I do not have any words to offer that could possibly ease your pain, especially since so many people have already said it so much better than I ever could. But I just wanted to let you know that I will never forget Jack's adorable little face. He holds a special place in my heart, and you and your family are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

I stumbled across your site and just wanted you to know what a beautiful baby Jack was... As the mother of 3 special needs kiddos, your site has touched my heart. We have had many close calls over the years and while I don't know your pain... I can certainly sympathize with it. My God continue to lift you up and hold you as you learn to live with out your precious son.

Anonymous said...

I can't stop crying! What a beautiful family you have. I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. I cannot even begin to imagine the grief you must be feeling. But, through the Nest, I was able to follow your story, and also know what joy little Jack brought to you and the rest of the world. He will be in our hearts forever. May peace be with you and your family....

Anonymous said...

I happened to stumble on your blog today through the Nest. I cried as I read your entires. I can not find the words to express my sympathies. I can not begin to fathom what you and your family have been through. I am so, so sorry for your loss.

Anonymous said...

I just stumbled upon your blog this morning, and have been so touched. I went in immediately and picked my son up from his nap and held him an cried. I can not imagine losing a child at any age, and I pray for strength for you and your family.

Our life is a bowl of Barry's said...

I hesitated in whether to go back this far and post a comment...I've been following you for over a year now and I had gone back and read all that had happened when I started following your blog. I went back today to read it again because I wanted to be present in the emotions you are feeling, especially at this time of year. I cried all over again as I read this post and even though 2 years have slipped by, I'm sure it feels like only days sometimes for you. Jack has touched many people and even though I haven't donated a toy or made a monetary donation, please know that I think of him and of your family often and pray you still feel peace. What a sweet little life and a bright light too.

Anonymous said...

quite interesting read. I would love to follow you on twitter. By the way, did you learn that some chinese hacker had busted twitter yesterday again.

Anonymous said...

great article. I would love to follow you on twitter. By the way, did anyone hear that some chinese hacker had busted twitter yesterday again.

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