Monday, January 14, 2008

The Grief

I thought I knew a little about grief. I've lost people I loved, a grandfather, aunt, a good friend. But this is different. This Grief, it's like it's own entity, something that moves in with you, becomes a part of you, and never leaves your side.

Some days, this Grief is loud, and angry. He stomps around you, screaming into your ear, things that bring you to tears, how your baby's gone, gone forever, laying in the cold dark ground. That you will never see him again, you will never see his sweet face or hold him in your arms. The Grief pokes you in the chest over and over, till your heart literally aches. People around you can almost see and hear this Grief themselves, he's so loud. They look at you and just know, he's there.

Things you knew would bring the Grief roaring to life always do, like the sight of Jack's empty crib, still set up and waiting for him. Other things you never expected, like taking your baby girls to the doctor, or the store, and having someone say, oh twins!! You're so lucky to have twin girls! Do you say, to a perfect stranger, no they're triplets but my boy is gone? No, you nod your head, and say yes, we are lucky, and listen to the Grief screaming in your ear. And hope Jack understands why you don't tell them about him.

Then there are days the Grief is quieter. You can see him out of the corner of your eye, and you know he's still there, he'll never be gone, but he's softer, calmer. He whispers into your ear this time, that you miss your baby. He lets you look at pictures of your baby without making your stomach clench and your eyes water. No one else even notices he's there. But he's always there.

I guess you just have to try and have more days where Grief is calm and sitting in the corner, and fewer days where he's reaching into your chest and squeezing your heart. That's the best you can hope for.

The last couple days have been hard. I think it finally seems real to us that he is truly GONE. I want just five more minutes with him, five more. One more trip to Philly, the trip we thought we hated, I dream about. I miss all of it - the long drive down the turnpike, the crowded rest stops, the dreary parking garage, then the ride up the elevator to the 2nd floor, waiting to be let in the NICU.... finally walking in and seeing Jack. Everything was worth that moment. I want to do it all, just one more time.

The girls are finally feeling better, after 4 trips to the pediatrician and one late night visit to the ER. They had colds that turned into coughs, and with little babies who were preemies you can't fool around with anything breathing related. The trip to the ER was probably unnecessary, but I don't think anyone would blame me for being a little bit overly cautious. Anyway, they're finally better, only a little congested. I can't believe they are three months old.... it seems like a lifetime ago they were born. And yet it seems like yesterday.

Three month pictures:

Charlotte:



Katie:



And the girls at 3 months and 1 month - big difference!!

81 comments:

AllieQBTB said...

Your strength is pretty darn amazing. Thinking of you and your beautiful family ...

Sarah said...

I'm praying for you and your family. I am a mom myself, but I don't have a clue as to what you are going thru. I hope the days become easier for you. Little Jack has taught me not to take life for granted and to cherish every precious moment I have with my daughter. Thank you for sharing your story. Much prayers and thoughts go out to you. Your girls are beautiful and Jack will always be handsome.

Ally said...

I pray that God grants you and your family strength during this difficult time. You are truly an example of a strong woman.

The Murray Crew said...

I cannot imagine the Grief you burden every waking moment...We are constantly thinking and praying for you and know that eternity holds much better than this fallen world of hurt.

Anonymous said...

Continuing to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Wishing I could ease some of your pain. Your strength continues to amaze me. Thank you for sharing yourself with us.
--A Mom in Jacksonville, FL

Rachel said...

Megan, I continue to pray for your family. I cannot imagine losing a child. I admire your strength for the sake of the girls. Jack was lucky to have you for his mommy. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with all of us. God bless.

marree27 said...

I cannot imagine the grief you feel, whether quiet or loud, I can't imagine.

I pray that GOd continues to give you the strength he has been giving you.

Amber said...

Stay strong!

Your girls are absolutely beautiful.

Mrs.LB705 said...

Oh Megan. I can't even begin to imagine.

You are so eloquent, and I am truly thankful for the opportunity to share this experience with you through your writing.

I don't know what to say about your Grief. I wish I could make it easier for you, do SOMETHING to help.

Please know you are all (and especially Jack!) still in the thoughts and prayers of SO many.

Linda

Sommer said...

Holy Moly.. Look at the girls! I hadnt even realized how fast they grew! aww.

Just know that you can get through this.. at least to the point that you dont cry and can remember in a happy light.

Anonymous said...

"I guess you just have to try and have more days where Grief is calm and sitting in the corner, and fewer days where he's reaching into your chest and squeezing your heart. That's the best you can hope for."

You will reach this point...it will happen for you. I lost my son in Dec 2003 when he was born prematurely @ just 22 weeks gestation. It does take time. Your grief is your own. No one can tell you how long to mourn...although they will try. :You will realize one day that you were able to get through the day without breaking down. You may break down the next day...but you will have had that one day. And soon it will be two days and a week and finally you will be at the point where you will think of your beloved son and not feel your heart break into a thousand pieces.

Please know that you are in my prayers. Your girls are beautiful. I'm glad they are feeling better.

Jessica said...

As always, I'm still praying and thinking of you everyday.

Gillian said...

Your writing continues to be a wonderful testament to your love for your family and the strength that you show to them.. Although it doesn't seem like it, Jack is helping you get through each day and deal with the Grief that is inevitable..

As always, my thoughts continue to be with you, PJ and the girls.

Amanda said...

Megan- Look at how much those girls have grown already! I am sure that they also feel Jack surrounding them everyday. Your strength is so amazing and I wish you and your family the best

Jessica said...

Megan, I think one day you should gather these entries and submit them for a book. These are beautiful and people really are affected by your writing. I'm so sorry you hurt. I hope the girls feel better soon. Cant wait to see you.

CRS said...

Wow, the girls have grown so much!

As for the grief, I hope you find ways to keep him at bay and not snarling in your ear.

-smallbutfeisty

bosha711 said...

My heart truly aches for you.

Thank you for sharing Jack with all of us.

You say that Jack has touched so many, but it is by your writing that he has been allowed to do so. It is a God-given gift.

AmberZ said...

Megan - from the first day that I read your blog, I haven't stopped thinking about you and your family.

I'm not a mother so I can not relate, but I believe the strength you have demonstrated in the past few months proves that you will make it through.

And I agree with the poster above, about putting your thoughts into a book. One day. Once you have a chance to grieve. I think you speak so beautifully and your thoughts will only help others relate in their times of grief and I think it would be a beautiful tribute to Jack.

I just hope I'm half the mother you are one day...

Knottie Amber

Alicia said...

the girls are beautiful and i can't imagine how hard it is to take compliments on them. he will always be with you. i'm thinking of you always, you and your family.

leona said...

The girls are so beautiful! You are constantly in my thoughts. May God continue to give you strength. I have never loss a child but I know exactly who Grief is and is way to familiar with it. The 1 good thing that has come out of knowing Grief is that I appreciate life so much more and I now know I can conquer anything in life.

Anonymous said...

give yourself time. someday you will be able to tell that stranger about jack.

Anonymous said...

I cannot imagine what you are going thru but just wanted to let you know that I am continuing to pray for you and your family and thinking of you all. I appreciate you sharing your stories with us. I agree with a previous poster, Sarah.. the girls are beautiful and Jack will always be handsome! God Bless!

Anonymous said...

Your description of your grief is incredibly powerful. It is amazing how you are able to write so eloquently during such a difficult time. I think of your family often and your daughters are beautiful.

Anonymous said...

I contine to be amazed at your strength. Your words stay with me for days and I think of Jack and the girls so often. Not being a mother myself, I don't have the wise words or anything that says I understand. I cannot fathom what you go through on a daily basis. I hope you take comfort in knowing that there are people around this entire country and maybe this entire world that are praying for you.

Jack's story has given me so much perspective. As I sit here planning a wedding and stressing over napkins and matches, your entry after Jack died pops into my head. Napkins and matches don't matter, being a good person matters. Megan, I think you are a wonderful person and I thank you for giving us all the perspective we sometimes forget to have.

Prayers to your family.
CT Knottie Jenn

Anonymous said...

I really don't know what to say, but you are all in my thoughts.
afg

Anonymous said...

Megan,
it may not even be plausible right now, but your story is a book and a best seller at that! Your writing is amazing, your love for Jack, Katie and Charlotte is even more amazing. Your dedication to the journey that life has taken you on is worth it- I hope some day you consider writing a book about your journey from a life as a single woman to a mother of triplets to the loss of Jack- this is truly an amazing story and has all that a good book needs, love, laughter, saddness, heartache and triumph!
GOD BLESS

Amy said...

You are amazing. My prayers are still with your beautiful family!

Catherine (cat429) said...

The girls are beautiful. Continue to enjoy every second of them and know that Jack is watching over you all. You have taught us all to appeciate every moment. Hang in there.

Tommygrl14 said...

You are such a strong, beautiful person, and I hope one day I am half the mommy you are. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. I said it before and I will say it again... I have no idea the pain you are in,but if I could take it away for even one minute I would. Thank you for allowing us to know and love Jack.

Anonymous said...

Oh Megan, your shoulders are so heavy with grief. I am so sorry. I hope that they lighten with time, not because you are less sad that Jack passed, but because you realize all the good that little boy brought into the world and he is safe and happy and healthy right now with God. I wish I could give you a big hug. I am so sorry.

Anonymous said...

Megan you are one strong woman. Just remember you have the most amazing angel looking down on your family. Our thoughts and prayers are always with you, PJ and the girls. God BLess

Nicole(mikeandnicole05)

Anonymous said...

Megan - My heart hurts for you like you would not believe! I cannot imagine the bitter sweet feelings when you receive compliments on your beautiful "twins" that are not "twins".the girls are gorgeous and getting soo soo big. You are in my prayers and on my mind more than you can imagine. (((hugs))) angela (&Frank)

Anonymous said...

I continue to be inspired by your strength. Your words have helped put so many things into perspective. On the brink of motherhood myself, I will be blessed if I become half the mother and woman you are. (((HUGS)))

Millicent said...

I just lit another candle for Jack. I am going to go back now and light one for you. I hope today is even a slightly better day. You, PJ, the girls and of course Jack are in my prayers.

Amy said...

Megan - the grief will always be there. I continue to pray for strength for your family.

If I can help in any way, please contact me through my blog, or e-mail me at makeitgrandetc at yahoo dot

Stephanie said...

I think about your family often, especially since Jack has been gone. I can only imagine the pain that you are feeling and the incredible stregnth you have to go on. I truly hope that you find comfort in knowing that your beautiful little boy will always be looking down on you, your husband and his sisters.

I did not get the pleasure of knowing Jack, but he taught me never to take one sinle moment for granted. Every moment is a gift that is to be truly cherished.

You and your whole family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

Megan, The grief is part of the healing process. I think if any of us could take some of it for you, we would. But I do believe that the sadness helps us somehow, and as soon as I figure out how, I will let a lot of people know! I do know that Jack is happy and whole and very blessed to have such wonderful parents. He will always be a part of you, one of your triplets, just the perfect angel one. Iam praying very hard for the Lord to bring you peace.

fancy1969 said...

Your girls are getting so big and are so beautiful. Stay strong. I have never been through what you have but I can only imagine how you are feeling. My life has been touched by your story and I will continue to keep you, PJ and the girls in my prayers. And I thank you for sharing your story.
Dawn

Olivia said...

Megan,

I am so sorry for all of the grief and heartache you are feeling. I think of you often and keep praying that you will find comfort and peace. If I could, I would kick "grief"'s butt for you and make him go away forever.

In my mind, you are truly superwoman. You have shown nothing but strength, grace and dignity throughout such a difficult time. I hope you know how many lives you and your Jack have touched.

Take care,
Olivia
ohamtobe

Noah&Zach'sMom said...

Your girls are beautiful. Don't worry; no one will ever forget Jack. Lots of love and light headed your way.

Noah and Zach's Mom (Multiples Board)

Tanya said...

I'm so so sorry. My heart breaks for you. I check your blog to see how you're doing since Jack had to go. Saying "I'm sorry" just isn't enough.... (((hugs)))
Tanya
Austin Nestie, Tanya1975
Mom to one after IF

Anonymous said...

Meghan,

Once again I am "broken open" as you described your priest saying at Jack's funeral. Your words are so poignant and honest. I also agree that one day, I hope you put these thoughts in a book. There will be so many others whose Grief will be kept at bay by your amazing gift with words...

I have never lost a child but your story and Jack's story have literally changed my life. Mothering will never be the same for me- I know this true for others who read your blog.

Many prayers and thoughts,

Becky (octoberlove1002)

My name is Tammie said...

You are in my thoughts. May your days with Grief at your side be quieter and calmer.

Casey's trio said...

It must take so much strength to deal with the grief that never leaves you. I know it won't ever go away, but I pray that it somehow gets easier.

Hyperfertile Infertile said...

I wish I knew something to say that would help, but I can't fix things for you as much as I wish I could. Just know that I think of you often, and Jack. And, knowing what you've gone through helps me keep some perspective.

It's been hard lately. My kids keep asking about Baby B. What would we have named that baby? What if there had been three? I try not to think too much about that, but it's difficult when they do. But, I think that in the end that loss is so small compared to what you're struggling with and I try to remember that.

Oddly enough, the other day, my oldest said that, if Baby B had been a boy, he would have liked to have named him Jack.

dinkey said...

I think of you often and I can't even imagine your pain. Because of Jack, I know I will be a better mother, friend and person. He has touched a place in my heart I did not know was there. Jack will always live in our hearts. You are an amazing woman and your husband so strong. Your girls are lucky to have you both for parents and so was Jack. You are always in my prayers. Happy to hear the girls are feeling better.

Allison said...

Your baby girls are beautiful, I can't believe how big they've gotten! I'm praying for you...that your amazing spirit and strength carry you through.

Vicki said...

Your beautiful family continues to be in my prayers.

Heather and Brett said...

We are still thinking about you and praying that the grief gets a little easier each day. You are an amazing family!

Michelle said...

Hello! I have read your blog and I just want to extend a virtual hug to you and your family. You are so strong. You summed up greif so accurately and I am so sorry that you are having to feel it. You and your family are in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Your girls are beautiful Megan. I can only imagine the waves of grief that come and go. I'l continue to pray for strength for you and PJ

Linda

Meegs said...

I'm so sorry for your lost. But you have such amazing grace... hold on to that and to your family. You will get through this.

http://ingliseast.typepad.com/ingliseast/2008/01/to-the-mama-wit.html

Adrienne said...

I can't even begin to imagine the grief you feel. You all continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
MrsAdrienneT

Anonymous said...

Megan,
You are such an inspiration. You are such a strong woman! I continue to pray to God for you and your family.

(((HUGS)))
Jessica!
Dibsgirl

Anonymous said...

My heart is just breaking for you. You are such a strong woman, and I hope you find peace.

jenEblue said...

Dear Megan,
I couldn't answer your previous posts, as I can not even imagine the grief you are going through. You are such a brave, eloquent woman. But, I prayed a lot in church for you over the past few months. On one particular morning, actually the Feast of the Holy Family, Msgr. Joe at Sacred Heart gave a sermon about the Blessed Mother at the foot of the cross, and how could she know that at the time she was holding her precious baby, she would witness the grief of watching her son die. I cried, thinking that she had 33 years to love Jesus, where you have had merely a few months to hold Jack. A few days aterward, I checked your blog and read your very sad news, and I feel compelled to tell you that you are such an inspiration, and a beacon of hope to all of us mothers.

Anonymous said...

I am amazed at how eliquent you are. I think it is a tribute to Jack that you are able to share your feelings. I pray that you may find a little more peace with each passing day.
Love,
Tara njbride2000t

Anonymous said...

Megan,
I do know grief. Not the grief of losing a child, which is the worst grief of all, but that of losing a mother.
Your description of grief was so right on. I used to describe it as coming in waves. Some days, it would just lap at my toes. It was there, I could feel it, but I could get through the day. Other days, it would be a tsunami. Those were the days I'd stay in bed most of the day and cry. You do not have that luxury, since you have Katie and Charlotte you have to take care of. I think that might be a good thing. They will help you carry on, and somehow swim through the grief. It will always be with you, but you'll learn how to manage it. They'll be less tsunami days, and more gently lapping days. Jack will always be with you!!
You are amazing!!
Tara
tpquinn72

zarabel said...

You and PJ are in my thoughts. I hope you find some comfort through all of this.

Anonymous said...

Your strength will guide you through this journey. I can not imagine what grief you have at this time, but you and your family are in my thoughts and prayer!!!
God Bless!!!
Elyse Hahne

Anonymous said...

Megan,
I hate that you have to go through this greif for all of us to appreciate life and our children so much more. It is evident though you are a strong person, and like the Blessed Mother, God CHOSE you to be the mother of a VERY SPECIAL child. He knew you would love Jack whole heartedly and return him to heaven when his time on earth was over. I (and so many others) are praying for you to heal.

Anonymous said...

Your girls are beautiful. And so was Jack. It's okay to just think about him and not tell everyone who thinks they are twins. Don't ever feel guilty for making it easier on yourself. Remember that yes, your children have been through a lot, but so have you and your Husband. Take time for each other and grieve as long as you need. You're strong, so much stronger than you believe.

Patyrish said...

This entry has me sobbing. Especially knowing that you will have the "oh twin girls" comment throughout your life. Jack understands.....he was wiser than all of us. God Bless you honey. Your son and family has touched me deeply. I did a blog about him if you would like to read it here:
http://mynewnormal.blogspot.com/2008/01/shame-on-me.html

The girls are growing so much and are absolutely beautiful. I know Jack is watching over them both.

Anonymous said...

Hi Megan,
Just sending you warm thoughts and hugs . . . just want to echo others in saying that you are so strong and amazing. The way you are working through/with your grief is incredible, and however you reconcile it in your life - it is truly incredible and shows your unconditional love for Jack and your girls.

I'm also sending special vibes to your husband today . . . please convey my support and hugs to him too.

We all love you here!

Anonymous said...

Just breathe.....you will make it through.........just breathe......

carmeng said...

Megan, I continue to have you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. No mother should have to go through what you have been through. You are an amazingly strong person.

God Bless!

Christine & Aaron said...

First, your girls look excellent. Healthy and full of life. And I know for that you feel blessed. I found this month's entry so touching...the way you talk about Grief. It hit me when you mentioned being somewhere and somebody commenting that you had "twins". Oh, my heart aches for you and your husband. I do hope the two of you find peace one day. I felt the need to mention to you, and I apologise to you if you have been offered oodles and oodles of books to read. One in particular touched me way back when I lost a dear friend when I was only 16. http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0553565915/bookstorenow57

The book is called "Embraced by the light". It is a beautifully written book that gave me such comfort and that "ounce of piece" that you may need right now. It is a short true story book. I do hope you can read it one day.

It is funny, me a total stranger to you, feel the need to reach out, what to help, hug you, let you cry and be there for you. Dont want to sound funny, but your words are so touching.
I pray your family heals and at the same time...your family is so blessed. Those little girls are beautiful.

In my thoughts and my prayers,
Christine

Anonymous said...

Jack, a little boy I never knew
Yet those blue eyes, your angelic-like face
Enveloped me like a rainbow’s magnificent hue
Little angel please rest, so many loved you
Family and friends awaited your big debut
Your life, your love, you touched us dearly...

I mourn for the little boy I’ve never met
Because you had such a remarkable effect
So give all the angel babies my love
…and please smile down
On your mommy, daddy and sisters from above

Mrs.Rizzo said...

I wanted to tell how much your story has touched me and everyone I have told about it. Your writing is articulate and accurate about the experience of loss. I read this last entry to my mom who lost two daughters and she just nodded along as I read it to her because you truly captured what grief is. You are an amazing person. I have learned so much from and haven't even met you.

Anonymous said...

I hope your wonderful ability to express yourself brings you comfort and peace. I'm very touched by your experience. And by Jack.

Anonymous said...

It won't always feel like it does today. It won't ever hurt more than it has the last couple of weeks. But it takes time...time to heal, time to let yourself move forward, time to accept what's happened.

It's okay to tell people "Actually, they are triplets, but we lost our son", if it helps you. You don't have to go into lengthy explanations if you don't want to...but at least you acknowledge Jack if that's what you want to do. And if you can't do that yet....I know Jack understands.

Like so many others, I am always holding your family close in my prayers.

Amanda said...

Your girls are beautiful.
I know the Grief you're describing. I have to warn you, it gets worse with time. People keep telling me time will heal, but so far, it's not. I wasn't prepared for it to get worse, so I'm telling you not to be mean, but to warn you so you can try to prepare yourself. I'm so sorry.
It's the oddest feeling, to be so elated with the healthy beautiful survivors, but to be so devastated at the same time. It's hard.
And know you're ALWAYS going to be a mom of triplets. The girls aren't twins. They never were, and they never will be.
I think of you often, though I don't know you, and you're in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Megan- tons of hugs, vibes and prayers your way for continued strength. The girls are getting so big!

Ginny

Robin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Robin said...

Megan I have not been online much recently. I just caught up on your last 2 posts. I just want you to know I am thinking of you. I hope that as time passes, grief will find its way out the door.
You write beutifully, I really enjoy reading your blog.
Robin/whirlygal

Anonymous said...

It just amazes me how you are able to write so beautifully even through these hard times. Thank you so much for taking the time to put your feelings into words. Every time I read your blog it reminds me to not take my healthy baby for granted.
Nestie LissaLee

Anonymous said...

Oh Megan, I know that grief. It still lingers in me. Your life is never the same. You long for the way you used to be. You ask "why me?" You try to be nice to people who don't know your real story.

I know my situation is different, but I'm still grieving almost 9 months later. Wondering if I did the right thing.

I wish you peace and healing.

Your girls are precious. Thanks for sharing the pictures.


Stacey/Mazzystarz

whitelabelady said...

I've been following your story for a few months now. You've really grabbed my heart. 30 years and 7 months ago my first child ( a little girl who lived 9 weeks) died. It was a very bad time and I can tell you one child can never replace another, but I had another little girl to raise. Crying at unusual times becomes a way of life. On what would have been my first daughter's graduation day, I cried buckets thinking of what could have been. The day after my daughter got married, my husband and I visited that little gravesite to leave the bride's bouquet. I'll try to recall a poem I received so many years ago

When God calls little children, to be with Him above, we mortals sometimes question the wisdom of His love. Believing this is difficult, but angels are hard to find.

I will continue to keep all of you in my prayers. Grieving will always be a part of you, but will become bearable. SGR

A said...

Oh Megan.....I cannot even begin to imagine the sheer pain and the pure joy you must be feeling all at once. How strange to be mourning the loss of your beloved son and rejoicing in the life of your beloved daughters....

I'm so so so sorry for your loss. I'm a mother myself, to a beautiful and healthy baby girl. Your strength amazes me, and inspires me to be a better mother.

I'm sure somewhere up there, Jack is looking down upon you and the rest of your family. He will guard you and your daughters for the rest of time.....

Jack was a beautiful boy....beautiful, and so wise beyond his time here on earth.

Peace be with you and your family...

tbonegrl said...

as always, still praying for you. That God lifts that burden of grief, even if only for a little while.

Anonymous said...

i just wanted to say that this blog is such a wonderful tribute to your son. i am currently pregnant with twins and often worry if i will have the strength to deal with the NICU and all the other things that could happen...then i read your blog and see how you have turned this horrible time in your life into such an opportunity to make a difference in the lives of other children. it is insipiring. i think that whatever you do with the money, whatever you decide, it will be the right thing to do.