I thought I knew a little about grief. I've lost people I loved, a grandfather, aunt, a good friend. But this is different. This Grief, it's like it's own entity, something that moves in with you, becomes a part of you, and never leaves your side.
Some days, this Grief is loud, and angry. He stomps around you, screaming into your ear, things that bring you to tears, how your baby's gone, gone forever, laying in the cold dark ground. That you will never see him again, you will never see his sweet face or hold him in your arms. The Grief pokes you in the chest over and over, till your heart literally aches. People around you can almost see and hear this Grief themselves, he's so loud. They look at you and just know, he's there.
Things you knew would bring the Grief roaring to life always do, like the sight of Jack's empty crib, still set up and waiting for him. Other things you never expected, like taking your baby girls to the doctor, or the store, and having someone say, oh twins!! You're so lucky to have twin girls! Do you say, to a perfect stranger, no they're triplets but my boy is gone? No, you nod your head, and say yes, we are lucky, and listen to the Grief screaming in your ear. And hope Jack understands why you don't tell them about him.
Then there are days the Grief is quieter. You can see him out of the corner of your eye, and you know he's still there, he'll never be gone, but he's softer, calmer. He whispers into your ear this time, that you miss your baby. He lets you look at pictures of your baby without making your stomach clench and your eyes water. No one else even notices he's there. But he's always there.
I guess you just have to try and have more days where Grief is calm and sitting in the corner, and fewer days where he's reaching into your chest and squeezing your heart. That's the best you can hope for.
The last couple days have been hard. I think it finally seems real to us that he is truly GONE. I want just five more minutes with him, five more. One more trip to Philly, the trip we thought we hated, I dream about. I miss all of it - the long drive down the turnpike, the crowded rest stops, the dreary parking garage, then the ride up the elevator to the 2nd floor, waiting to be let in the NICU.... finally walking in and seeing Jack. Everything was worth that moment. I want to do it all, just one more time.
The girls are finally feeling better, after 4 trips to the pediatrician and one late night visit to the ER. They had colds that turned into coughs, and with little babies who were preemies you can't fool around with anything breathing related. The trip to the ER was probably unnecessary, but I don't think anyone would blame me for being a little bit overly cautious. Anyway, they're finally better, only a little congested. I can't believe they are three months old.... it seems like a lifetime ago they were born. And yet it seems like yesterday.
Three month pictures:
And the girls at 3 months and 1 month - big difference!!