Monday, November 10, 2008

Key

I feel like the 'theme' of my life the last couple years has been perspective. The thing that has kept me sane (or at least, kind of sane) has been trying so hard to keep everything in perspective. Through IVF, through a triplet pregnancy, through Jack's illness and the loss of my beautiful son, and now dealing with various problems with the girls, I've tried to say every day,

this is what matters and everything else is not worth worrying about.
this might seem awful, but it could be worse.
look at what I have. look at how lucky I am.

I started to cry recently in a doctor's office, I just felt like I'd reached the end of my rope. I said, I am so tired, we have been through so much, you just don't know, and it never ends. And she said...

"Yes, but look what you have. You have two beautiful girls."

And I do. And she's right. See, I lost my perspective. They are stars, my girls. Neither of them have anything life threatening, or anything that can't be fixed. They are smart, and totally caught up from being born premature. They don't walk, they RUN, they laugh all day, they eat great, they give hugs and kisses, they say Mama and Dada and Jack and uh oh and CAT CAT CAT (mostly cat).

Their problems are so small compared to so many others - compared to Jack's!! What I wouldn't have given to have heard that Jack had something wrong with him that was easily correctable!

But I am tired, tired of doctors and tests and waiting and worrying. My mother said it is part of having preemies, that some day the girls will be just like every other 'normal' child, and all these problems will be fixed and done. It seems like a dream.



19 comments:

irongirl said...

Those girls are so sweet! I know you have been through so much and how hard it must be, but you are strong and those girls are strong because of you! You're doing a great job for them!

Patyrish said...

I understand.

Your girls are amazing little stars but it's normal to get overwhelmed with it all.

(((hugs)))

You rock Mamma.

Mountain Girl said...

You are right, you do have adorable little girls. I'm sure there are some days that get old with the waiting, stress, etc. But, just keep looking at your little girls and up to Jack!

Paige said...

Things will get better in time, I had my twins 7 weeks early and I was so worried about them but 4 years later I can't belive how far they have come! Your girls are beautiful HEALTHY babies and Jack is looking down and smiling at them and you! I always try and remember this one thing.... Why worry about things that are out of our control? Enjoy the moment, Live for today!"

Mommy07 said...

I understand the tired, throw in the towel kind of feeling. After awhile doctors, tests, waiting, worrying...it really does just weigh you down!

Lisa said...

Honey, I pray for the day when you're only running to the doctor because Charlotte stuck a Cheerio up Katie's nose!

Anonymous said...

Honey, when was the last time *you* went to the doctor? I don't have the reasons to be tired that you do, but I was EXHAUSTED all the time. Thought it was because I had a two-year old and I was old. Turned out I had anemia. Fixed the problem and I feel like a new person. Get yourself checked out -- it could be something minor for you, too!

Following Him said...

You are so strong for yout sweet little darlings and they are so precious! Here is a virtual HUG and REMEMBER that you are one awesome mama!!!
~Elyse~

rachael said...

worrying comes with being a mommy; but it is magnified with preemies and even more so with multiples. you are doing an incredible job with those beautiful, sweet, perfect little girls. i know it can get difficult, with all the what-ifs and the what-wills...but, when you get overwhelmed just remember that this is all fleeting because time passes so quickly. stay strong, stay positive and if you need anything at all...

Allison said...

You have every right to be tired. You don't need to justify it or look for someone to tell you that you have plenty to be thankful for...you know that already. Be tired, be exhausted and be sick of it all...you've earned that much.

Shereen said...

Yes, things could be worse. Yes, their problems will all be fixed one day - BUT - you have been through more heartbreak in the past few years than most people go through in a decade. Don't feel guilty for losing perspective. Don't feel guilty for crying. You more than deserve some good news and you definitely desesrve a break down every now and then!

Mommy Brain said...

I'm in my local Mothers of Multiples club and I enjoy going to the family events and meeting the twins/triplets/quads who are 5, 6, 10+ years old. Especially the ones who were born at 28 weeks and you can't tell them apart from the ones born at 40 weeks.

Your mom is right, these problems will go away. Just take it one day at a time and someday a new M.O.M. will look at your girls and express their disbelief that they were preemies.

Gwen said...

Your girls are beautiful and amazing, but it's totally normal to feel how you do. Sometimes you'll just be tired of it all. You have been through a lot. So sorry that you've been feeling overwhelmed with it.

Katie M said...

Your girls ARE great and it's because of you and PJ, and maybe a little help from their brother too. I can say it since I've seen it with my own eyes. You'd never know they were preemies and you'd never know how much their mommy worries about them. I hope the day when the doctors and the waiting is all over comes very soon for all of you.

Momma-of-5 said...

Hang in there...
One day at a time.
Your girls are beautiful and you're doing a wonderful job!
You've got the right perspective though...keep focused!
I'll be praying for a good day and some encouragement your way,
Amy

Jen said...

What a great reminder to keep things in perspective! I'm so happy that you have two healthy, beautiful girls. You and PJ will never forget Jack, because every single day, you'll have his sisters there to remind you what life is all about!

proudmama02 said...

Perspective is definitely key. Sometimes I think that is one of the purposes for kids in our lives - to give us perspective, so we stop getting annoyed over the dumb little things and just say 'THANK GOD I have these gorgeous kids!' :) Unfortunately, I think the worrying never goes away. My boys are healthy, Evan is almost 11, and yet I lay in bed at night freaking out over Everything...lately it has been, 'what if something happens to me? The boys would be split up, may never see each other again...' I start to lose it. My husband thinks I'm nuts. But I think it is part of just being a mom. :)
Hope you do get to breathe easier soon and that the doc visits become fewer and less stressful. And I agree with the prev poster above, you've been through so much - you deserve to rest and don't beat yourself up if you do lose perspective. You are an inspiration!
- Jen, Evan and family

Randi said...

You have multiples! And they were born early. That alone is enough to make anyone wiped let alone the devastation you went through with Jack and his illness.
You are doing well, as your girls are. Thank you for posting.
Randi

The Microblogologist said...

Perspective is awesome but sometimes you just have to let it out. You are amazing as are your children =).