Saturday, November 15, 2008

Thinking of you

There are days when all I want is someone to say his name.

Not my husband, or my mom, or the people I know are thinking about him, missing him like I am missing him.

I want someone else, someone I don't expect, to bring him up. Days, weeks can go by where no one mentions him. No one. I know, as time goes on, it will be easier and easier to let him slip away.

It's not like he'll come up in conversation. "That Jack, he loved the Giants!" or "Jack always put the star on top of the tree....."or "Jack would have ordered the chocolate cake, he couldn't pass up chocolate, remember?"

No. We don't have those kinds of memories. We don't know who Jack would have been. What he would have loved. But he was still here.

Jack had the chubbiest little boy hands.
Jack had his mommy's nose.
Jack loved to be held.
Jack would grab on to your finger and hold on for hours.
Jack would fight to stay awake if he knew you were there.
Jack got to ride in a helicopter.
Jack had two sisters.
Jack was here.

I miss the world with Jack in it.

I know it takes courage to say his name to me. Say "I was thinking of Jack today...." Say "I know you must miss Jack." His name is like magic. Saying it brings him back into the world, even if for just a little while.

Of all the cards the girls received for their birthday, only one mentioned Jack. I didn't expect anyone to mention him, I'm not upset that people didn't. But the one that did, my sister-in-law's parents, meant so much to me. I love them for having the courage to mention Jack. They had written across the bottom, under the "Happy Birthday Katie and Charlotte!",

"We are thinking of Jack today too."

Thank you. Thank you for thinking of Jack today. Thank you for telling me when you do. Know if you are thinking of him, I am thinking of him. I am always thinking of him.

65 comments:

Meg said...

It's always the pink elephant in the room.
Thinking of you!

Sara said...

So many people think that bringing up Jack will make you sad. These kinds of posts are so important because it lets people know how you feel and what you need. I always think of Jack when I see your name on the Nest or read your blog or see your name on Facebook. Always. :-)

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you and Jack.

sarah said...

i don't know you....but i think of jack often. all the way in ohio.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of Jack. I will light a candle for Jack today.
Lori

Jennifer/Sulla said...

Oh, Megan. I don't even know you and I still give my boys extra kisses for Jack. He will never be forgotten, and you should take comfort that his name is being spoken all over, even if you can't hear it. :-)

Amanda said...

Oh, Megan. PLEASE, do not think you little boy is forgotten. I think of your family often, even though we have never met. Each time I saw a butterfly this summer, I thought "Jack". And each time I see your posts and your two beautiful girls, I think "Jack!". Know that he is in the hearts of many, many strangers

Allison said...

It's funny that I think of Jack so much and I didn't even "know" him and I don't really "know" you. I know of your son through the Nest and through your site but I think of him so much that sometimes I wonder why? I wonder why that sweet little face is in my mind so often. So, even though people may not say it, they're thinking of him. I think that so many people think of your little angel baby that he's constantly showing you signs that he sees and hears us all.

Maria said...

My husband and I don't know you but we read your blog and talk about your Jack all the time. Please know that there are more people than you will ever imagine who think about Jack. We wish so much for you and all the world that he could be here. And we miss him for you.

Anonymous said...

Megan, Jack may not have been able to be with us for long , but he lives forever in your/our hearts forever. He will not and can not be forgotten. Even if you are not hearing the words he is mentioned everyday throughout the Unite States and beyond. Most of us on here may have never met you or your beautiful children, but we hold them close to us every day and that includes Jack too. I know I light a candle for him and my child and I make sure he is added with his sisters in our pryaers every night. Baby Jack will always be with you, your husband, and with his sisters and also with all of us together we will keep his spirt alive . God Bless you Jack and God Bless Megan and your family.

Rebecca Nixie said...

I think of Jack often. I even mention your site just as often, to friends and to patients who have lost their baby. I check your site almost daily, looking to see how you are doing and how your girls are growing. And I think, I wonder what Jack would be doing? How would he interact with his sisters? I talk about Jack with my own children who also read your blog. Jack will never be forgotten. He has touched so many people through you and this blog. Your ability to share your story and feelings will always keep him alive. Thinking of you and Baby Jack often.

(((HUGS)))

Molly said...

I just had a friend that had twins at 29 weeks and lost the little boy. I immediately thought of you and of Jack. Because I don't really know what to say to her but I thought of you and you know what she is going through. I hope to pass your blog onto her so that maybe she can read it and know that she is not alone in her sorrow.

Lani said...

I don't know you either, but I have followed your blog for a while now, and I also think of Jack often. I have talked about him many times with my mom, and my other multiple-mom friends. The first time I saw that picture of him in your blog header, he captured my heart. You can just see what a sweet, sweet soul he has. I can't imagine how hard it is to be in your position, but please know that he is most definitely NOT forgotten. He has touched the lives of so many people through you, and your blog.

Kelly said...

I don't know you, but I think of your sweet Jack quite often. Just yesterday my son and I were outside and we saw a butterfly. My son asked what the butterfly's name was and I told him I thought it was Jack. He will never be forgotten.

Anonymous said...

I check your blog every day. I am so totally in love with your girls and especially Jack. I look at his picture and can see his sisters faces in his. Don't ever think Jack is forgotten. He is and will always be a special little boy and we are all so sorry we never got to meet him. God bless you and your family.

Lisa said...

Jack.
Its a beautiful name.

I liked what another poster said, butterflies should be named Jack :) I'll remember that when I'm outside playing with my son. I will point out the butterfly and say his name is Jack.

I'll be thinking of him when that happens. Thank you.

Lesley said...

What a beautiful post. You stated so eloquently how you are feeling and how much Jack is present in your life. He will always be present, for he is you.
I hope those in your daily life will say his name often, bringing you a shower of pretty shiny stars each time you hear it.

Naomi said...

Even all the way over here in Australia, Jack is remembered. Jack has a special place in a lot of peoples hearts! More then you realise. God Bless!

Anonymous said...

Even though I don't know you or your family, Jack has touched me in a way I won't soon forget. I think of him often, and you.

tbonegrl said...

I am always thinking fo you, and of Jack. Every day.

Anonymous said...

I think of Jack often I share your blog with my daughter who loves to look at all the pictures you post. We don't personly know you but through your blog your family has become a part of my family. Whenever I hear Alicia Keys song I think of you and Jack and I get very emotional. I feel for you and all you have been through. Please know Jack has touched sooo many peoples lives and he will never be forgotten.

Anonymous said...

The other day MH was telling me how someone had asked him what other names we considered before we settled on Wyatt. He told them how we had liked the name Jack (as well as a few others) but that in the end we liked Wyatt.

I bent down, Wyatt was in his bouncy, and I told him how I "knew" a little boy named Jack, and that he was very brave. I truly do love that name, but after your Jack left you, I decided that the name, to me anyway, would always make me think of YOUR JACK, and that the name was too big to use.

I may not know you, I may not have ever met Jack, but please know that I, a perfect stranger, a girl on a message board, think of Jack a lot.
Regina
(turtle520)

mommyoflove2 said...

I stumbled across your blog recently from someone else's and spent a long time reading your story. I was so profoundly touched by the birth of your precious ones and the loss of baby Jack, that I cried for you. I have prayed for you several times since then. He was a beautiful little baby.

Lori said...

i have been following your blog for a long time...
i think of jack even before i click on your blog
so if i could say it so you can hear it, i would say,
"i check in on your blog to see jack's beutiful picture on your header and to hear from jack's momma!"
much love!
lori

proudmama02 said...

We think of and talk about Jack a lot, here, too. I think, as so many have said, that many, many people do - they just don't know if telling you so will make you feel sad, and so they (we) don't say anything. (You've had enough sadness, I know I would never want to cause you more, for any reason!)

And...I have a butterfly necklace, and every time I wear it, Evan points at it and says "Jack's necklace", because I wore it to the golf tournament. :)

We will always remember him. And as someone else here wrote, I check in to your blog not only to read about your gorgeous little girls, but about Jack, too; even if he isn't here to report on every day. In a way he is, because of your postings about him.

xo Jen, Evan and family

Patyrish said...

I think of Jack often. The thought of him makes me smile.

cori said...

i think of jack everday--i see his picture everyday and think of you guys and the girls and how strong you all are. he is my reminder of how precious life is and how we only have today to make good on our promises and make a difference in this world. everday when i talk to my dad in heaven i ask him to watch over jack. rick and i won't forget--especially rick--it was his greatest honor to stand honor guard over jack and stand beside you and phil for support. we are both here and we won't forget.

Lisa said...

Like so many others, I think of Jack often, too. Whenever I come over to your blog (at least a couple of times a week) I first think of Jack, and his mom and his sisters, but first Jack. He touched a lot of us, all over. And he's never far.
Lisa
Rochester, NY

Anonymous said...

I don't know you - I have NEVER posted on any blog before - but I HAD to post this time and let you know that my tears in my eyes right now are for Jack - I think of him often - he has touched my life!

Jody said...

I think of Jack a lot, actually. I talk to my kids about him, even. They know all about Katie and Charlotte, and their beautiful brother Jack who died.

I think that people don't know whether it's ok to bring him up. God knows my family didn't speak of anyone who died for years. It made for a whole lot of ghosts. I think that if people had just brought them up, and talked about them openly, we all would have been happier. I don't know how to make people realize that, but I hope that Jack finds you through others more often.

Cherie said...

I don't know you either. . .but I still think about your baby Jack often. Your story touched my heart in a very special way.

Whenever that Alicia Keys song (No one) comes on the radio. . .I think of you. Sometimes I even cry for you.

I have a Jack too. . .who is also a triplet. His birthday was last week and I thought of your Jack.

Your baby has not been forgotten.

Love,
Cherie

Anonymous said...

I don't know you but I have been reading your blog since the beginning. I think of Jack often, he has touched many people.

Anna said...

I really don't "know" you except through the Nest but Jack's picture is up on our fridge. Everytime Sophie, my daughter, sees it she says "Hi, baby!" and gives him kisses. So please know that lots of people think about him always...and a little girl names Sophie always gives him kisses everytime she sees his picture!

Roxanne Schwandt said...

I've never met you, but I come to read your blog occassionally, and I applaud you for this post. Letting people know what you need means more to Jack than we could ever imagine. He loves his mommy and misses daddy, too. He will never be forgotten. A strong little fighter. I do, as well, think of your Jack often.

Anonymous said...

I think of you and Jack every time I hear Alicia Keys singing No One on the radio.

The Tukua Family said...

Megan, I am also a stranger and think of Jack very often, I can't tell you how many time I have thought of him throughout this past year. I see him in all the pics of your girls, I see him when I see your beautiful family. Although, I don't know you, or will most likely never meet you, I am here thinking of you and Jack. I know that you will never ever let any moment of his beautiful life be forgotten. Your strength and honesty inspire me on a daily basis.

TBG said...

I don't know you in real life and only read your blog. But I think of Jack at random times, like when I drove by CHOP last week. I can only imagine what you are going through. To lose a baby is the most tragic of situations and no one should ever have to experience it.

I think of Jack. I guess I should tell you that. This is a great post and I think that people don't want to upset you more than you already are and I am sure that is why they don't mention jack.

www.thebossyyankee.wordpress.com is my website. I am no longer at Blogger

Holly said...

I have your blog bookmarked as one of my favorites - it's title is just "Jack". Just know that even though the people you see and know don't say his name out loud to you for fear of bringing sadness to a happy moment, people everywhere think of your baby boy regularly.

Anonymous said...

Maybe it's because I am also the mom of GBG triplets that are close in age to yours. Or maybe it's because my Patrick has chubby cheeks like Jack. But I think of you and Jack almost daily. I've never met you, but your dear son touched my heart all the same. When I'm having a tough day and not being the best mom, I think of Jack and he reminds me to try harder. He was here such a short time, but still made such a huge impact.

I'm sorry that so many of us forget to tell you just how much we think of your precious angel.

Jennifer
Triplet Mom in MN

leona said...

When I think of you and the girls I always think of Jack. I never just think of the girls. They come as a package in my head. Jack will never be forgotten.

Anonymous said...

I am a stranger to you, but I read your blog and often think of Jack. I think of him when I kiss my little boy and girl. I think of him when my son puts on his Lightning McQueen pullups. I think of him when we see butterflies. My heart aches for you, but I am also grateful to you for sharing your family with us. Your son is touching lives in ways that you can't imagine! He is not and WILL NOT be forgotten.

nestie melissaandeddie said...

Don't ever think people are forgetting. I don't know you or Jack but please know the sweet sound of your precious little boys name is uttered EVERY SINGLE night in my house. When I put my son to bed and we say his prayers, we ask God out loud to "please take care of baby Jack", it is said aloud and has been every night since he went to heaven. People around you may not know what to say, but it doesn't mean his name is never spoken. This stranger in NY and her son say Jacks name and think of him and you and your girls, nightly.

Anonymous said...

I do not know you personally, and I have also never posted on anyone else's blog, but I felt I had to write. My aunt found your site while Jack was still with us and I began reading as well. I read it daily, waiting for your posts. I will never forget the day Jack died. I cried at work. I still cry when I read some days. But he IS watching over those sweet girls, and they will be better off for it. He will never be forgotten, and it is amazing how many random people are thinking of him and your family.
I will also begin naming all butteflies Jack. :)

Anonymous said...

I don't know you, but I think of Jack every day. Every night, I give my son an extra kiss.

Franco*Filly (Jess) said...

Hi Megan,
I feel a little embarrassed, but I am glad I read this blog entry. I was going to send a birthday card to the girls, and I wanted to mention Jack somehow. But I did not want to upset you. The dilemma was (for me) to wish those beautifulg irls a happy birthday, and somehow mention Jack and not upset you. I took the easy way out and did not even SEND the card. I felt awful and still do. So many of us (esp Nesties) think of Jack and your family....even without this blog, I think of him often. I never met your son but he had a profound effect on me and the way I look at my own son. I'm sorry I didn't send a card. But I am glad you addressed it...Jack is like Magic. That should be the title of your book should you ever write it.

Anonymous said...

i honestly think of your little guy everyday since i started reading about him 2 months ago....your blog has introduced your beautiful little guy to the entire world and i think you writing about him is inspiring to all of us that have lost children in our lives......it means a lot and everytime i think of our little emily, i think of jack too and of all the little angels heaven has gained in my lifetime.......stay strong....you are an amazing human being.....thank you and thanks to jack too.....he was amazing as well.

Becky said...

I don't even know you, but when my boys were in the NICU I thought about Jack a lot and said prayers for him up in heaven!

B&C said...

I think of your son Jack a lot, especially when I see butterflies in our yard. I never will meet your family seeing as I live in Scottsdale, AZ but I think of your son often - especially when I walk our dog around the lake and there are little boys playing at the park.

I have shared his story with a lot of people and despite the fact he is no longer here - he inspires a lot of my friends to have hope.

-christi in scottsdale

Anonymous said...

I am a lurker - here and on the Nest, and I can assure you that Jack is remembered, thought of, and spoken about often. Very, very often. Sometimes when I hold my baby boy, I think of you both and wish you were holding your boy as well. He is loved!

Anonymous said...

Lurker here again - forgot to mention that when I see Cars anything, I think of Jack and his sweet picture on your blog. There is a lot of Cars stuff out there!

Parcells Custom Painting said...

Megan, I think of Jack so often. I am sorry that I didn't mention him on their birthday, but know that he will never ever be forgotten. I just saw the wonderful toy drive that is being organized in his honor - what a beautiful way to remember him. Love & hugs, Liz

Anonymous said...

I know what you mean. NO ONE mentions my baby that I lost by miscarriage - NO ONE. It's as if they never existed - even to my family. :o(

JD

brandie said...

Within the last week I came across your blog. So I've spent my mornings catching up on your story from the very beginning, sobbing through most of it. After mentioning it I learned my MIL has been a follower since your babies were born. I have a 4 month old Jaxon of my own. Now I everytime I kiss, hold and hug him I'm thinking of you and your Jack.
And from now on, ALL butterflies will be named Jack.
Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers, always.

Anonymous said...

I don't know you, and I didn't know Jack, but I have read your blog for a long time now, and your little boy will not be forgotten. I think of Jack often for someone who did not know him, but your lovely boy will be remembered in all corners of the world. A beautiful name for a beautiful person.

There will always be 'what ifs', and there is no way to know the wonderful man he would have become; a husband, a father. But now you have an angel; a son, a brother, and he will ALWAYS be thought of. Many don't know him, or know of him, and for most, there is no way to see that he isn't there. He will live on in hearts the world over, and he will always be one of your three children.

Lisa D said...

Oh, Megan, I do hope you know that every day, all over the place, so many people are thinking of Jack, and of you and your family. I am a Nestie and I met you once very briefly at your Nestie shower -- I certainly don't "know" you, but I cannot tell you how often I think of Jack, and Katie and Charlotte too. Your story is part of our lives -- it always will be.

Stacey said...

We don't know each other. Heck, I don't think I've ever commented on your blog before. Earlier this year, I discovered and read your blog from beginning to end and read all about Jack and his beautiful sisters and their wonderful parents. Even though I have no ties to you or anyone in your family or your circle of friends, your story touched me and I think about your Jack all the time. My heart breaks for you, but I know that little Jack is watching over and protecting his sisters.

alicia said...

it's so hard to watch everyone go about their lives while your heart breaks everyday. I think how much I still hurt, and then I think of you and Jack and can't imagine how you must ache. I think of your family often.

Gillian said...

Every time I hear Alicia Keys's "No One", I think of Jack. I know that is YOUR song w/him, but I still think of him, and I always say "Hi Jack" when I hear it.. also, the day of his tournament, I was walking into the club a Monarch butterfly flew right along side me, and immediately I thought of him-- do you remember me telling you that? It put a smile on my face, as it normally does when I think of your beautiful son, and how much he has touched my life without ever having known him.

fern said...

Thank you, for this. As you know, it's so scary to bring up friends' little lost ones, but you have reminded me how important it is.

And your Jack -- oh, I think of him. The first time I read your blog was only a couple months ago, and I sobbed through it all. I think about you, and your girls, and Jack -- of course, Jack -- probably every day.

Anonymous said...

So now you're just making me cry on purpose!! ;-)
I read your blog for a couple reasons - 1) I love your they way you put words together 2) my 8 month old Ava LOVES to watch your ladies's videos. They crack her up! and 3) I FEEL when I read your stories about Jack. My heart hurts, my eyes leak, and I FEEL. I hope to God I never feel what you feel. I can do without the gut-wrenching. (Wish you didn't have to deal with it either) But sometimes it just is nice to have a reality check, be grateful for my good fortune, and to count my blessings. Ava gets an extra schmooch for Jack after I read your stories. I would not get to feel these things if it was not for your words. You do a remarkable job getting out of bed each morning. You're a great mom! (Davezwife from SaIF)

Anonymous said...

I came across your blog several weeks ago and have spent many hours reading every entry about your lovely family. Your story is very touching and I honestly think of Jack each time I hear the name mentioned on TV or in passing. You are a very strong mother and I have honestly learned from you. Not only Jack, but Jack's mom has touched my heart and I check back often to see updates on your family.

Stay strong during this difficult time. I miscarried twins in December of 2004 and always have dificulty during this time as well. You are not alone!

Michele

Anonymous said...

HI Megan,
I wanted to tell you that everytime I hear Alicia Keys- No One, on the radio, I think of Jack. It usually comes on in the morning when our alarm goes off, and I always think 'Good morning, Jack!'
Lots of hugs this holiday season
Jackie, bbzangel70j from the nest

jennbecc said...

I just found your blog today and this post has me in tears. My heart breaks for you as I can't imagine your loss but what a joy Jack was and what a profound impact he made on the lives of many in such a short time. He accomplished what he was here to do. That should make you so proud as his Mommy. Enjoy the holidays with your twin girls. My twin boys will be 2 next month. Warm Wishes!

Rich said...

I am thinking about him. I am sorry he is not with you and his sisters. I came over via the shirano blog... I have a soft (especially soft) spot for multiples that are not with each other. Our boys both survived twin to twin transfusion syndrome but I know many who did not and my heart breaks for them and you.

brossettelewis said...

Sorry, that last one posted under my DHs login.