And all I could think about, all day, was Jack. Six months ago today Jack died. Six months ago yesterday was the absolute worst day of my entire life, and I hope it holds that title forever. I hope I never have a worse day than that one. I still don't want to write about it, the last few days. My Jack, he suffered. I was there alone with him for two days, and I held him while he had attack after attack, not being able to breathe, turning blue. I won't ever forget that. When I feel like I can't stand it anymore that he is gone, I try and think of those moments, and how much he suffered, and how glad I should be that he isn't suffering anymore. Sometimes it helps, other times... I still selfishly want him here.
Six months ago today was the saddest day of my life, but it was peaceful, and I am still so grateful Jack didn't die on New Years Day, that awful day before.
When I thought about what to try and say here, it all felt so disjointed. I feel 100 different things every day about Jack. I still cry every day. I miss him in new ways every day. I am not angry, I am not depressed. I am sad for my baby, I am sad for his sisters, for his daddy, for his grandparents, but most of all I am sad for him.
Everything we do lately, I think how Jack is missing. I think how he should be there, how much better everything would be with him there, whether it's a trip to the pool or the baby's christening day. Katie and Charlotte are so amazing and beautiful and I love them more than anything in the world but there will always, always be someone missing. And it's a really huge hole he's left behind.
Today the girls had their first trip to the zoo, and it was a lovely day. I thought about Jack all day - I bought the girls stuffed monkeys at the zoo gift shop, and a little ball with a monkey's picture on it for Jack. We brought it over to him after we left the zoo, and of course on the way to the cemetery his song came on the radio... of course. Just to let us know he was there.Hope you like the ball Jack. We miss you.
24 comments:
I just can't imagine how you feel. I don't know what I'd do if I lost one of my children. I think about it occassionally and I get this pain in my heart, in my body. And now I know that you carry this all the time. I'd be wondering too if my son/daughter would like the zoo, would spit out his food, be the first to walk, or the last... My thoughts and prayers go out to you. Your girls are so beautiful and I hope you can see a little bit of Jack in them.
I know exactly how you feel. Exactly. I so admire how you always include Jack, like buying the ball for him. It's inspirational. Thank you.
I thought about the date today in the car, it just popped in my head. And while we were on line and when I got home, I even mentioned it to my husband. As sad as I am for you, I love that Jack reminds you he's always there with you and his sisters. I'm sure he loves his ball, and he loves that you include him in everything you do.
Your post made me tear up and get chills. I'm so sorry. I wish you could have your little boy back to take to the zoo and the pool. I love that you got him the ball and his song came on the radio-he was letting you know he was there! Thank you for sharing with us.
Your post made me tear up and get chills. I'm so sorry. I wish you could have your little boy back to take to the zoo and the pool. I love that you got him the ball and his song came on the radio-he was letting you know he was there! Thank you for sharing with us.
Just want you to know I'm thinking of you. I think of you a lot, and Katie and Charlotte and Jack.
Jack is such a sweet boy to say thank you for his ball, with that song. :)
You and Hack are in my thoughts. The anniversaries are so hard. Katie and Charlotte are adorable as always...I wish your whole family nothing but the best, and I know that Jack is still with you in so many ways.
I hope Jack's sisters grow up to know how wonderful their mom and dad are. Jack made a permanent mark on so many.
I am sure that Jack is with you... I am so sorry.
Randi Booth
I read your blog at night and I go upstairs and give my son a kiss. Jack's life makes me look at my son and each day that I have with him and my daughter as something that I will never take for granted. I take time to enjoy every day with them and that really comes from hearing about Jack and his brief time here. Happy 4th to Jack & the girls, I'm sure he'll make himself known with some extra loud and bright fireworks....just enough to wake up his sisters from their sleep! Hang in there.
You've got a broken heart, you're allowed to feel however you want, however allows you to heal. No mother should kiss her baby goodbye, it's too much. But Katie and Charlotte will always know their brother through you and PJ, Jack will never be forgotten. Not by your family, not by the thousands of people who have come to know your story. Bless you for the courage you show in sharing your life and your heartaches with the world. Please know that your son has made a permanent mark in the hearts of people you'll never know, simply because of the beauty of his spirit.
I just found your blog last week. Reading what you went through is just gut wrenching.
My son is also named Jackson and I actually feel guilty that I get to live with mine and you don't. It's just not fair.
I could not imagine the pain and emptiness that you feel daily.
But, I must say I love that you keep him alive everyday, everyminute for all of us, we get to know him in a special way. He will forever be your son and your daughters' brother, and because of you your daughters will know and love him, just as you do. You are and inspiration to many. My heart goes out to you.
(((hugs))) Words seem so inadequate.
I haven't commented in a while, but I have been keeping up with the posts.
Todays entry made me so sad for you. I can't imagine what you go through every day. I think Jack is living on in the girls. They will know they had a brother who fought so hard to share this life with them but instead became the most special guardian angel a girl can have.
I think of you and your family everyday Megan. I hope you enjoy the 4th!
CT Knottie Jenn
I wish I could do something to give you one last day with your Jack and make it as special and happy as you deserve it. I wish you could have taken him outside to feel the warmth of the sun and the breeze on his sweet face. I wish your day could be filled with such laugher and happiness and erase all the sadness of the last-last days you spent together. I cry along with you and I am a stranger to you, but your baby boy is never far from mind when I kiss my own sweet boy. I hear his song and I always think of you and him and wonder if you are listening too. Its such a gentle reminder of you and your special family and what you have all meant to me and mine.
I miss Jack too and I never knew him.
I love that you bought him the ball and took it to him. I REALLY love that he always finds a way to show you he is forever with you. That song ALWAYS makes me think of you and Jack.....usually gives me a lump in my throat and then makes me smile. His memory will live forever, I will never forget him.
I want you to know that I was thinking of Jack at MT and the zoo also. I am so glad he gave you a sign to let you know he was with you and the girls.
Robin/whirlygal
I am sorry for the loss of your sweet baby boy Jack..I just read your blog from the time your trio was born up until now, and I have tears in my eyes. No parent should EVER have to loss a child. There is no great loss, no worse feeling than the loss of a child
Jack knew nothing but love. I am sure he is watching over you his mommy, as well as his sisters. Shine bright little man, and watch over those cute sisters.
There are days when I cry because someday something might possibly happen to my kids.
How you keep it together as well as you do is amazing. You are amazing and so are you daughters.
hugs, hugs and more hugs...
Reading through all the previous posts, I'd like to roll them all together and echo what they all say: I am so sorry, and I wish Jack were still here for you as well. He means so much to so many now, thanks to your sharing his story with all of us. Someday his sisters will read this blog and will know so much about him, about themselves, about you - about their family. And you make us all hug our babies tighter as you remind us of how much a mom can love.
((Hugs))
Jen (& Evan)
Jen
I grew up in NJ and loved Turtleback Zoo. I also admire how you always include Jack, and this will be of infinite comfort to your girls as they get older. My cousin died in the NICU at CHOP at 4 weeks when I was 12. The rest of the family almost never talks about him, and I know that hurts my aunt and uncle. But I always think about what he would look like and how old he would be, what he would be doing in high school, etc. But I know his parents keep his pictures out and often visit him with their younger children, who have no problems talking about him. It is much better to share how he is with you always - people want to talk about him, we just don't always know how.
I can never know how you feel, but thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with all of us. We're praying for you all and remembering Jack with you from afar.
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