Yesterday was such a nice day, we had our first Music Together class, then our first trip of the summer to our town pool. Both girls loved the water and were happy as clams.
And all I could think about, all day, was Jack. Six months ago today Jack died. Six months ago yesterday was the absolute worst day of my entire life, and I hope it holds that title forever. I hope I never have a worse day than that one. I still don't want to write about it, the last few days. My Jack, he suffered. I was there alone with him for two days, and I held him while he had attack after attack, not being able to breathe, turning blue. I won't ever forget that. When I feel like I can't stand it anymore that he is gone, I try and think of those moments, and how much he suffered, and how glad I should be that he isn't suffering anymore. Sometimes it helps, other times... I still selfishly want him here.
Six months ago today was the saddest day of my life, but it was peaceful, and I am still so grateful Jack didn't die on New Years Day, that awful day before.
When I thought about what to try and say here, it all felt so disjointed. I feel 100 different things every day about Jack. I still cry every day. I miss him in new ways every day. I am not angry, I am not depressed. I am sad for my baby, I am sad for his sisters, for his daddy, for his grandparents, but most of all I am sad for him.
Everything we do lately, I think how Jack is missing. I think how he should be there, how much better everything would be with him there, whether it's a trip to the pool or the baby's christening day. Katie and Charlotte are so amazing and beautiful and I love them more than anything in the world but there will always, always be someone missing. And it's a really huge hole he's left behind.
Today the girls had their first trip to the zoo, and it was a lovely day. I thought about Jack all day - I bought the girls stuffed monkeys at the zoo gift shop, and a little ball with a monkey's picture on it for Jack. We brought it over to him after we left the zoo, and of course on the way to the cemetery his song came on the radio... of course. Just to let us know he was there.
Hope you like the ball Jack. We miss you.