Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Three Months Gone

Jack's been gone three months. It hit me the other night, that he's been gone longer than he was here. He lived 82 days. Only 82 days. Not even 12 weeks. Just short of 3 months. The girls are twice as old as he was when he died.

I felt for so long like no one could ever understand what was happening to us, what we went through... and now, almost every day, I stumble upon a blog who's story is so similar to ours it breaks my heart. Babies lost, one of a set of twins or triplets. Lost after fighting for weeks, after being on vents, after having hope and then losing hope. Babies who's siblings survive and grow healthy. Women who rage against God at the same time desperately feeling they need him, need hope, need to hold on to the dream of there being some meaning to the short life of their child.

I find so many women who say what I feel, what I think, but so much more eloquently than I am able to. I don't know why I'm always surprised that this has happened to someone else. I lived in such a bubble my whole life, that bad things RARELY ever happened to anyone. Now I know. It happens every day. Life is unfair, every single day.

Sunday we are supposed to go to a memorial service at CHoP for children who died there in the last few months. When the letter originally came in the mail, I was excited, sent Jack's picture in for the slideshow, told everyone in the family we should go. Now that it's almost here - I am dreading it. I think of going and start to cry. The thought of that long drive down the Turnpike, pulling into the parking garage, riding on the elevator with the stars on the ceiling, walking past the gift shop and the McDonalds, the same path we traveled over and over..... but with no Jack at the end. I don't know if I can bear it. Everyone else wants to go, PJ, my mom. I know Jack would understand if I can't go. I am going to try, I can't stand the thought of not being there if the rest of my family is. But I dread it. I don't want to be there if Jack isn't there. Some days, I feel like I don't want to be anywhere if Jack isn't there.


I need to do a "Gin In My Apron Pocket" update. I should do a self check of how my self esteem, self improving and general mental health is doing...

I did get that pedicure. Eyebrows have been tweezed. My hands are still terrible but I ordered an adorable ring from Mom-O-Matic that I'm sure will help them look a bit better. I still am eating WAY too much candy and cake and way too little real food, but I figure if my worst vice right now is a Tastykake, I'm doing okay.

As for the blaming myself over Jack, I'm working on it. I think now I wish we had an autopsy done, I would love some answers, some concrete final closure answer on what was wrong, and why, a piece of paper that in a way says, Megan - not your fault (or if it is, it is... I want to know) ..... when Jack died we couldn't even think about having an autopsy done on his poor little body.

I was looking at pictures from my Nestie baby shower the other day to see if I could find any I wanted to post with my last entry. It's a big step for me to even be able to look at pictures of myself pregnant. It's hard to even think about that time some days. But I looked through them for quite awhile, and it was nice to remember such an exciting, happy day.

And while I did have a lot of feelings of sadness at how much I wish I could go back to that day, at my little name tag that says "Mom of Triplets", at how excited we ALL were, I also could look at them and feel a little bit of the joy. And one of the overwhelming feelings I had looking at them was....

I miss my pregnancy boobs. I really do. They were great. Such a shallow thought. Definitely a step in the right direction. If, along with all the other emotions, every picture makes me think, wow, I really want a boob job - I must be feeling a little like my old self again.

(My apologies to all my family members reading this who I know want to neither discuss nor see photos of my boobs. Hi Dad!! Here's some cute pictures of the girls from yesterday after our trip to the mall with our friend Melissa to make up for it.)

Charlotte is such a character. The pose... the look on her face... I have a feeling, when she starts talking we're in trouble. I can't wait.


Hyperfertile Infertile said...

I still have the pregnancy boobs and they are less fun than they seem... at least maternity shirts are cut to fit them. These days, my shirts all pull up in the front. Very unattractive. Plus, they are big, but spend half of their time in a pump. Also unattractive! Moooooo.

I can understand why you wouldn't want to go. But, I hope you do. I think you'll regret it if you don't, as hard as it will be.

The problem with the Internet is that, no matter what, you can find someone experiencing pain and loss that is beyond what anyone should ever have to deal with. It makes it very hard to remain sheltered. If I am ever pregnant again, I will probably need to be locked in a psych ward for the duration out of sheer terror.

Amber said...

Hi there.

I just found your blog while on a self-imposed bed rest day and read the entirety of it yesterday. I wept for you, and for Jack's sweet soul.

Please know that while there will always be some pain and feeling of loss, eventually, there will come acceptance. There will come healing. And finally, there will come peace.

I am praying for you and your family. You have unknown friends out here. :)

the schirano triplets said...

i just love the looks your girls give the camera. they are such precious little angels.

boobs after a pregnancy just aren't the same. i don't even recognize mine anymore! it is so sad...

i just want you to know that i think you are an incredible woman. your ability to push through, move forward and care for your girls amidst your own pain is something i admire. and you are much more eloquent at sharing your experience than you give yourself credit for.

and i agree with jody. i hope you go too.

My name is Tammie said...

I have no words. Your post just makes me miss Jack for you. ((hugs))

BUT, theres always a but right? Your boobs in those pictures DO look great.

Millicent said...

I hope you manage to go. I never thought about it in the way you put it and can understand why it would be so hard. I wish you some peace when the time comes. I will be praying for you.

As for the PG boob's, I still have them too curtesy of breast feeding. I know I am going to get depressed when I stop and they deflate once again. I made DH promise me a boob job after this baby is weaned. After 4 kids I deserve it. LOL.

Love the pics of the girls!! But then I have always had an obsession with stripes.

TeacherGirl said...

Megan, I love reading your blog. I am able to experience the full range of emotions. One minute I feel close to tears and the next I am laughing hysterically.

Gibson Twins said...

The girls look absolutely gorgeous in their stripe dresses, sooo cute! They look so happy too! What an awesome job you are doing :)

klanteigne said...

It must be hard. But I think you should go. Enjoy the memories that you did have with Jack when he was here.
And to just think that he was here. Some women can't even get pregnant or have a hard time doing so.
I will be praying for you and your family.

Lotta said...

Those are most excellent boobs. I would like mine back if my butt could stay the size it it now.

Glad you are taking care of yourself, tiny steps is the way.

I think it's an incredibly hard thing to do, but so brave and good. In the long run it will give you peace of mind to know you honored Jack in every way you could.

Lisa said...

Love, love, love the dresses on the girls!! Let's pick a day in the next few weeks when I can come babysit for them!

mackislandmrs said...

I've been reading your blog for a while now, I stumbled upon a post on the nest that asked for prayers for you and your family when the babies were born.

I haven't commented before, but I cried thru every post about Jack, and smiled at your Christmas pics w/him and w/the girls. And then Jack's passing. My heart broke for you and PJ, and the girls who will never get to play with their brother.

Just remember grief has no schedule, it's not going to be that one day you will wake up and not think of Jack or miss him. But the pain will ease and your memories of him in his short life will bring you peace and comfort.

I was sad about your comment wishing to go back to your shower and the name tag "Mom of triples" - Megan you will always be a Mom of triples. Do you have a picture of Jack to put in a locket? You could wear it always so Jack is still with you. And when people comment on the girls being cute twins - it's okay to say "no, they are triples but their brother Jack has passed" Then you could show the picture from your locket. I know you may not want to share your story with every stranger, but it will help you heal.

God this is long and I so sorry to write so much, but your babies have touched my life and I will always pray for the best for them along with PJ and you.

Todd and Kristin (kekis) said...

You'll make the right decision about this weekend. I can only begin to understand your apprehension. Between your heart and your head, you'll know what to do.

In your post you mentioned your "Mom of Triplets" nametag. Did you know that you wear that same nametag every day? You still wear it proudly with every post you write, everyone you contact about Jack, every star you wish upon at night, every day with the girls, and every thought you have.

You ARE the mom of triplets and always will be. Sadly, one of those three is in heaven now, but you'll all be reunited again someday. Until then, you have memories of brief time together that you can share with Jack's sisters and the rest of the world.

Melissa said...


I've left a comment before and I still come to check up on you and your little girls every week since I heard your story on the nest. Ever since that day, not a single day has gone by that I haven't thought of you, your girls, and especially little Jack. Your story breaks my heart, but its filled with so much hope and optimism too that one second I'm in tears and the next, chuckling at the adorbale pics and goings on of the girls.
I saw your link to the March of Dimes on your page, and I too am doing the walk, for I have several friends who have lost their babies, or had them in the NICU bc they were tiny little preemies. Point is, I hope you don't mind, but on my MOD sponsorship page, I mention Jack and that I walk in his memory too. I still don't know why I am so moved by your story. I think its just the purity and strength with which Jack lived and loved, and how you and your girls carry that same purity and strength despite all you have faced. God Bless.
Nestie MelissaandEddie

Harris Boys said...

Hey Megan...I'm really sorry that your having such a hard time with the thought of going to the ChOP service. Every time I hear that ALicia Keys song on the radio I think of you and Jack. I still can't imagine what you are going through. I wanted to let you know I think of you often and hope you find that peace with Jack passing and can come to realize its not your fault. I pray for you and your girls a lot and just wanted to let you know your not alone.

::HUGS:: coming your way!!!


Patyrish said...

Honey, it's not often I find myself crying at the computer and then hysterically laughing seconds later.

I have not lost a child, but as you know my Makily was born with a severe genetic condition. It has robbed her of the ability to eat, talk and at four years of age, she's still not walking. I have some of the same feelings you blog about as far as RAGING against God and then needing him so desperately sometimes I feel like I can't even breathe. I can't even go to Gainesville without feeling my heart pound because that is where Makily lived the first month of her life in the NICU. It's where they diagnosed her, where my life changed in the blink of an eye from that happy bubble to having an open wound on my heart every day.

I am just now FOUR YEARS LATER able to look at my pregnancy photos with out crying.

I did a little video about Makily's life that totally explains all these feelings. It's here and I hope it gives you some kind comfort knowing that everything happens for a reason:

I hysterically laughed at your "boobie thoughts". Being shallow is good sometimes!

lindselizbeth31 said...

i admire you so much. i found you through my sisters blog. you are an incredible person for what you do for your girls and i know your jack is so proud of you and glad to call you his mom. you are your family will always be in my thoughts and my prayers.

debbie said...

I have been lurking for a while, and am finally de-lurking. Hello, my name is Debbie and I just wanted to say I totally understand your feelings of not wanting to go to the service. I too had the unfortunate opportunity to go to a lost baby's memorial service. I am SO SO SO glad I did go. It was hard as hell, and I sobbed the ENTIRE time, but there is much more of a sense of peace afterwards. I don't know what it is about such a ceremony - but it truly was healing - granted only time will heal us all, but it was a big step in the right direction. I wish you peace and truly hope you make it to the ceremony.
PG boobs - yeah, I so miss mine... never thought about a boob job, but yeah, maybe.... :)

Busted said...

Everything you say about others is what I think about your blog. I've alway been amazed at how eloquently you express yourself. I too read your blog before our loss thinking, "I can't believe this happens to people.". Now that I'm thinking "I can't believe this happened to us," it helps so much to hear that others have felt exactly what we're feeling.

I think about you and Jack all the time. I think he would understand if you can't go to the memorial. I am terrified of ever going back to the hospital where I delivered, even if that means I am going to deliver a healthy baby.

Jessica B said...

Hey I took those pics ! LOL.
Megan I completely think it is understandable for you to dread going. No one would fault you for not going. But what a BEAUTIFUL way to honor those babies. He is such a special little boy. The girls are goreous. Try to take it one day at a time...I think you have a heart of gold and youre the strongest woman I have ever met, even if you sometimes think you're not...I think you are amazing.

Shell said...

3 things...
1. You are beautiful, with or without pregnancy boobs.
2. Those girls are too cute, can't get enough pics!
3. Jack is wherever you need him to be, if you stay home, he will be with you, if you go, he will be there.


Momma-of-5 said...

I'm not 100% sure how I got to your blog, but I want you to know, I'll be praying for you. I can't IMAGINE what your feel looking at your two little girls. My heart breaks for you.

My sister-in-law (also my best friend) died in her sleep at the age of 30, 4 years ago. It hurts everytime I see my niece. Yet I love her to pieces and love spending time with her.

Go to the service. Cry. Mourn. Celebrate. Run the gamit of emotions. If you don't, you'll always find an excuse to not go to another one.

You can do it...

velmadinkley said...

You don't know me in person...but your strength and honesty continue to touch me. I pray that you find the strength and courage to attend the memorial service for Jack and other NICU babies. I think you will be upset with yourself in the long run, if you don't attend. But no matter what decision you make, I know Jack will understand. He knows how much you love him. And I have no doubt that he knows you are missing him all the time.
Thinking of you...and sending BIG hugs your way.
--A Mom in Jacksonville, FL

Kelly30 said...

I can't believe it has been 3 months. Please know everything you feel and have felt is VERY normal. I recently lost my daughter after 4 months of fighting and it's not easy...You have always been strong through your entire journey. Thank you for sharing it with the world. Being vunerable in front of everyone is hard... that in my mind makes you incredibly strong.

Kelly - Mom to Julia

Megan said...

The girls look so much alike in this picture :)

Dianna said...

It's been two years today that we lost our little girl. We didn't have her as long as you had Jack. She was a 21 weeker and not viable in the eyes of medicine. She lived for 3 hours. We didn't hold her and for that I am sometimes sad, but it was a decision that had to be made quickly and we were in no emotional shape to do it. I have her picture on my mantle and I know that she was Josh's guardian angel when he was born at 24 week. He is now 14 months old.

I started reading your blog the day you lost Jack and it broke my heart. It still does, but I come back from time to time to check on you. He will always be with you and I can say that the pain never goes away. You have his two beautiful sisters to raise and I understand how hard that is without him. Bless you and your family.

Gabrielle (MrsGabbs4Ed from the Nest) said...

Awww memories of the Nestie baby shower. You got me in the background making my crazy faces. LOL. :o)

I love the feeding video too!

Pam said...

you are so amazing and strong. whatever you decide to do is what is right for you.

the girls are just beautiful, and looking more alike every time you post!

Deb said...

You were one hot pregnant momma! I laughed at the apology to your relatives, because I know someday I will be blogging about a boob lift and doing the same sort of disclaimer!!