I'm going to try and go to the memorial, I've decided. I want to, I think. Thank you for all the support and notes about it. It helped me to feel like I CAN go, and get through it. I think I feel like, I got through so much at CHoP already... I held it together through everything. I really did... I talked to doctors, signed papers, met with social workers, eavesdropped on rounds, and held myself together, FOR JACK, even on the very worst days. Now Jack is gone. I'm worried, there is nothing to make me hold it together anymore.
My hope is, the memorial service will give me some closure on CHoP. It will make it a place I can look back at with loving memories of my son. It will stop it from being this devastatingly sad place in my mind and in my dreams.
In totally and completely unrelated news, the girls have had some FOOD. Sort of. The pediatrician had said to wait until the babies were six months, but we cheated and tried a few days early. Shoot me - Katie just seems really hungry to me. She is obsessed with our food and watching us eat. So we tried some rice cereal... and no one loved it. Katie was better with it than Charlotte though. She actually opened her mouth, took the food in, sort of swished it around, then made a horrified face and spit it out. Charlotte pretty much just wanted to chew on her bib.
We had the same results with oatmeal.
I thought maybe if I gave Katie something she liked, we'd have better luck, so I hauled myself out to Whole Foods yesterday (with Charlotte) and bought about 10 organic bananas, mashed part of one up this morning, gave it to Katie and... same results. So now I have a ton of organic bananas which will probably make some great bread or cake, at least.
I've decided to give it a break for a few days, see what the doctor says on Tuesday. We will try again though!
Yesterday PJ put the girls high chairs together - they look so cute and seem to really like sitting in them. Of course I took a ton of pictures, and I'm sorry to say, made them all into a 4 minute montage... that's right FOUR MINUTES. What can i say, I got carried away. Here is my masterpiece though, a little film I entitled, Let's Eat!!!
Sorry so long.... that's four minutes of your life you'll never get back!! :)
Jack
October 11, 2007 - January 2, 2008
Woo hoo!
For MoMs
No Clue What We're In For...
16 weeks PG in this picture... we're happily oblivious to how hard this is going to be!
25 comments:
They are just so CUTE sitting there in their high chairs!!! :-)
They are so cute. We just started rice cereal about a week and a half ago. They weren't big fans of it (or eating from a spoon for that matter) at first, but they're learning. We got the go-ahead for green vegetables, too, so that's next. Fun stuff!
Hi, I've been reading your blog for a long time now and haven't posted. I lost my husband to cancer a couple of years ago. I really think that you don't have to hold it together when you go to the memorial. I think you should allow yourself to feel any and all feelings in the moment that you are feeling them. Embrace them and let yourself be. Nurture yourself as you would, if it was Jack or one of the girls.
I hope I'm not coming across as a person telling you what you should or shouldn't do. I've had a difficult time feeling my emotions and putting a lot of expectations on myself on how I should be and how I shouldn't be. I've finally have let go of my own expectations and have let myself be in the moment. I don't make myself hold it together anymore, because I need to feel those emotions. It seems like when I try and hold it together, it only makes it worse later.
My heart goes out to you, Dusty
Dusty
oh my gosh, it you looks like you all had an enormous amount of fun making the let's eat video! the girls look adorable in their big highchairs!
i am happy to hear that you are going to try going to the memorial. i know you can do it! and honestly, if you can't hold it together anymore and you lose it, that is okay. it is part of the healing process. if things get rough just think of your friends out here in blog-land, always here for you, helping to hold you up when you need it. always praying...
I am happy not to get those 4 minutes back, it was worth it! The girls look so cute. And looks like they are enjoying the high chairs.
As for the memorial, I am so glad you are going to go. I hope it goes ok. I will be thinking of you and praying for you and Jack.
I've been checking on your blog via another friend's blog I visit. I have to say that is the cutest video I've ever seen! You're such a great mom! Keep having fun with those girls!
I'm glad that you've decided to go to the Memorial, as I think it will truly benefit you in the long run.
The video was TOO cute. Loved their facial expressions. Your girls are so pretty!
I think you have the same Eddie Bower highchair that we have. If so, I LOVE it. Easy to clean, looks nice, and the legs aren't super wide like some of the plastic/metal chairs we looked at.
Thanks for another sweet update.
:)
--A Mom in Jacksonville, FL
Megan, my thougts are with you and Jack today. I hope the CHoP Memorial gives you comfort.
CT Knottie Jenn
That was a wonderful four minutes!!! Your children are too cute for words.
We'll all be thinking of you and your family during the memorial service. There is no need to keep it together.
beth
Keep trying the food. Josh didn't like lots of things but we kept trying and he is finally taking to some of the things he didn't like at first. It's such a new experience and texture that they are probably just not sure!! Try adding a little formula or breaskmilk to the banana's for a smoother texture. Good luck! I am sure they will decide when the time is right that they like food!
I am sure it is going to be a hard thing to go to the Memorial but down the rode you will probably regret you didn't go and you know Jack would be so happy that you were there for him. Be strong and if you need to cry you just cry as hard and as long as you need to. Then one day you can tell the girls about their little brother and what an awesome little guy he was. Stay well.
Keep trying the food. It takes a while for them to get used to it. After all, it is a totally new experience for them both taste and texture wise! It takes an average of 12 times to know whether you really like/dislike something! :o)
JD
Love the video! I hope the service at CHoP today brought you some comfort. I can not begin to imagine how hard it was for you to walk through those doors again, but I think you are so brave for doing it!
It took my daughter about a week of "horrified looks" while having cereal in her mouth to actually decide she liked it and wanted to eat it (she, like Katie, was always interested in our food too). So keep on trying and don't get discouraged, they'll eventually catch on. (p.s. it was also like starting all over when we started veggies, but after some frustrating days, now she likes those too)
I loved the video. So cute!
Your girls are getting so big. They both look like Jack now.
I hope the memorial brought you some peace. I will keep you, Jack and your family in my prayers.
Meg, You are too funny! I love the photo montage! The 4 minutes went by quickly!!
I hope the memorial service does bring you some peace. I would think it would be incredibly difficult, but I think you have the right idea about how it can make you remember the hospital differently.
And on a much lighter note - Katie and Charlotte are just too cute :)
PS> I got horrified faces with rice cereal, too - and my little one wanted to EAT in a big way at around 5 months. So we switched over to oatmeal (also better for the whole pooping thing, lol) which went over MUCH better!! Ask your doc - maybe he will OK the oatmeal and you may find feeding time a much more pleasant experience. (At 9 1/2 months, we still give Noah oatmeal - mixed with prunes - for breakfast every day.)
Hope that helps!
Love, Jen (& Evan & family...)
The video was wonderful! Your girls are getting so big. :)
I hope the memorial service brought you some peace. Look forward to hearing your thoughts on the day.
So cute! I've just about stopped taking pictures of the kids. So bad! I need to start again.
Your video is adorable. I love your sense of humor!
I wouldn't like rice cereal or oatmeal either. What worked for my kids, is really, really watering it down. They seemed to choke on it less than.
So glad you're going to the memorial service. I can't imagine what emotions you and your husband are going through. It may be good to see nurses and doctors again and be at the last place where you saw Jack. But what do I know?
Hey there!
The solid food never seems to go over well right away (except, maybe the fruit!) Stick with the rice cereal at first, it is easier on their tummies. Your little girls are adorable. I'm so sorry for the rough times you are having with the loss of your beautiful Jack. I can't even imagine. Every time I read your blog, I think to myself how eloquently you write what is really in your heart. I don't know how you do it! You are an inspiration!
This is just too cute. It made me laugh. They are gorgeous! :)
Loves the video...it was worth four minutes of my life!!!
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