Monday, November 26, 2007

Worst Day

Saturday was the worst day of my life. But it could have been even worse.

We spent all day Friday with Jack and it was a really nice day. He was so wide awake and alert. I held him for a long time, PJ held him. It seemed like he was better than he had been.

Friday pics:



When we got back to the hospital Saturday they said he'd had a good night, and had been awake for a lot of it (unusual for him). He was sound asleep and they were retaping his breathing tube to his face. While doing this, the tube became dislodged (the hospital says he coughed and it dislodged.... I won't say my opinion).

The alarm was pressed and people came running from everywhere. The numbers on his monitor were dropping, dropping... more people were being called. They were able to bag him with the mask over his face. After a couple minutes they told us to go wait in the family room across the hall. While we sat in there I could see more people running in and out, and we could hear people being paged CODE BLUE to the NICU. Nurses kept coming in and giving us little updates but we knew, it wasn't going well.

They couldn't re-intubate him for over 2o minutes, and the bag wasn't getting enough air into his lungs because he clamps his mouth down. They had to give him chest compressions because his heart stopped. They were about to call us in and tell us to say goodbye to him when finally one of the doctors was able to get the very smallest tube into him and get him breathing again.

That's a long time for a baby to be down.

The tube was so small though that he wouldn't be able to keep it for long, it would clog quickly. They called in the head of ENT (Ear, Nose and Throat) to try and re-intubate him with a bigger tube. They needed to do it in the operating room - they told us one of three things could happen - they would get the new bigger tube in, they would have to try and give him an emergency tracheotomy if they couldn't get the tube in, and if both those things failed, he would die.

I asked Jack's doctor if she thought we shouldn't do this - if we shouldn't make him suffer any more and just let him go. She said, he had gone through a lot. The time he was down had been awful and really difficult on him. But she said, he was okay now, and she thought it was worth trying to get the bigger tube in. So I signed all the forms, and kissed him goodbye and prayed for God and Mary to watch over him, and keep him from suffering anymore, whatever that meant.

When the nurse came and told me he was out of surgery and the doctor's wanted to talk to me at his bedside, I was still feeling such a sense of dread that I would walk in and he would have a trach in his throat. I think I feared that more than him dying - that's a road no one wants him to go down. When i walked in and saw him laying there with nothing on his neck, and the tube down his throat, I've never felt more relief in my life.

Today he is doing okay. They won't know for awhile how much damage his being deprived of enough oxygen for so long did to him, if it did any. For now he looks good..... as good as he can. He is swollen and sedated and so, so sad to see.

We finally have had to accept that he is a very sick baby. Sick as in, might not get better. I thought, while I was sitting with him, waiting for him to go into surgery, that maybe it was best if he didn't come through it. His whole 6 weeks of life have been nothing but pain and suffering. He has been through so much.

But then, when they wheeled him away, and I had to go sit and wait for word on what was happening, I wanted so much for him to come out of there alive. I never wanted anything so much in my whole life. I am not ready to let him go. Maybe that is selfish, I don't know, but I'm not ready. Maybe I am foolish to still have hope that he can be a normal little boy, but I do, a little. I have a little hope of that. He is such a sweet baby, and he is so tough. Even the nurses say, the way he survived this, the way he's hanging in there, he's such a fighter. He wants that tube out, he wants out of that hospital, he wants to fight.

That's the brief version. Today we came home from Philly because we just needed to get back, see our girls, try and get ourselves together. I never knew you could feel that much panic, fear, terror, sadness, all in one day. I want to say I'm cried out but I know I'm not even close.

43 comments:

The Hyperfertile Infertile said...

Oh, gosh, I am so sorry. I can only imagine how you felt, and I wish none of this was happening to you or little Jack.

He is a fighter, and I will keep on pulling for him. There is still hope, and I guess sometimes that is all we have to hold onto as mothers.

I hope you're able to get some rest and enjoy spending time with your beautiful girls... I have the feeling that you need them as much as they need you right now.

MC said...

I am sorry that you had such a scary experience. There is nothing worse than seeing a baby accidentally extubate himself, and I know that it is an awful thing to see! I hope that you get the answers you need soon and that Jack recovers quickly from this latest setback. I will be praying for you all...

Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry that you and Jack went through such a horrible experience. But like the Dr. said he is a fighter. He got his strong will from his mommy!! Your whole family will be in my thoughts. It's time for good things to start happenening. Please don't hesitate to e-mail me.
Amy (zorahangels)

Anonymous said...

Wow - what a horrible thing to go through as parents. There are so many people thinking of you and praying for Jack. Stay strong - you are amazing.

Adrienne said...

I am so sorry that you all had such a scary experience. It does sound as if Jack is quite the fighter and he isn't ready to give up yet. You are all constantly in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to be there. I hope you enjoy your time with the girls and have some good news about Jack soon.
MrsAdrienneT

Anonymous said...

Megan, I am praying for Jack and your entire family. Your nestie friends think of you daily. God bless you!!!!--Jessica B (Franco)

Lesley (vedahanks on The Nest) said...

My heart aches for you and PJ. What a nightmare you are living. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I wish I could hug you through the computer.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Megan I am so sorry you are going through this. Your whole family is in my thoughts and prayers. I am glad you get to spend some time with those little girls of yours and try and get some rest. Jack will be getting alot of extra prayers and vibes sent to him. Be strong. God bless.

nicole (mikeandnicole05)

Sarah said...

I have recently begun reading your blog. I just want to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and so is little Jack. All the Jacks I know are strong & stubborn, I'm sure your Jack is the same and he will pull thru just fine.

Jackie (ckj520) said...

Oh, Megan. I don't even know what to say. I have been reading your blog, but never posted a comment before.

I was reading your entry with tears in my eyes. I just wanted to let you know that Jack, and your family, are in my thoughts and prayers, as always, but even more so today. Please stay strong, you truly are an amazing woman.

Anonymous said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers - I am so sorry you are going through this.
~Lynn (SunriseProposal)

Anonymous said...

I am sorry you and your hubby are going thru this with Jack... I hope and pray that all works out for the best!

marree27 said...

I'm so sorry that you had such a scary experience, our prayers are with you

Gillian said...

Keep on fighting Jack!!! I know how scared you felt, and everything you're thinking and feeling STILL is normal.. you ALL continue to be in my thoughts and TONS of vibes are coming to Jack, you, PJ and the girls.

Thank you for continuing to keep us updated with everything you are going through.. so many of us are thinking of you guys all the time!

turtle520 said...

Megan, I was thinking of you all weekend long. I am so sorry that Jack had this set-back. Your little boy is a fighter. He wants to be with his sisters and his mom and dad.
Please know that I'm sending you all the positive energy I can. I can't imagine what you must be going threw. Hug those little girls and please stay strong.
Regina (turtle520)

Anonymous said...

Megan - I was so upset reading this latest entry. I'm soooo sorry that this road you are on has been anything but smooth. I know it's easier said than done, but just put all of this in god & the virgin mary's hands. they WILL take care of your little angel. God bless you and your family during this extraordinarily difficult time. Big hugs & strength coming your way. Angela(&Frank)

pam said...

oh, jack. he is such a trooper, i hope he gets better from this setback. what a terrifying thing for you to go through. :(

{{hug}}

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry! I can't even imagine the fear and panic you were feeling. Poor little Jack...he's had such a rough life already. I know it's hard to be positive right now but know that all of us are rooting for him, sending him thoughts and prayers. He's a fighter and I don't think he's ready to give up.
Sarah
(oct11bride03)

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for what you all went through. He is a fighter and sounds like an amazing little boy! I continue to pray for you all.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry! Little jack is so strong and I have been keeping him in my prayers. Believe in the hope thats there, as tough as that seems, he is a fighter!

Anonymous said...

Oh, Megan, I cried reading your last entry. You poor thing. Stay strong and keep the faith. That Jack of yours is a real fighter. Just from reading your entries, I love that little Jack. He may be sick, but he is very strong in spirit.

You, your family, and ESPECIALLY Jack are in my thoughts and prayers EVERY day!!!

I just want to HUG you!
Love,
Tara (tpquinn72)

Ali & Dave said...

UGH!! I cannot imagine. I pray for Jack, you and PJ nightly. He's a strong boy...he's going to get thru it. Stay positive. You're an amazingly strong woman.

rachael said...

I have followed your blog since reading a post of yours months ago on the nest. I also have triplets and they were born very prematurely so I know a little of what you are going through. My heart goes out to you during this trying time.

I just wanted to let you know that you and your family, especially little Jack, are in my daily thoughts and I pray for you all often. What an awful experience to have to endure. There is definitely still the hope that he can pull through this, babies are much more resiliant than I could have ever imagined. Just keep holding onto that faith in him. As hard as it is, he needs you to be strong and needs to feel all of that love and positive energy that only a mommy can give her son.

If you ever need anything, please feel free to send me a message!

Dana said...

Megan,
I am so sorry you and PJ had to experience that. Little Jack is a fighter and I know he'll be out of that hospital in no time.
My heart breaks for you guys and please know that I think and pray for you often.
Sending hugs your way!
Dana
(Blackbeltbride)

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for everything Jack is going through. He is one tough little cookie.
You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Shannon (shannonkm7)

Michelle said...

I am praying for you !!!

Michelle said...

I am praying for you !!!

Linda said...

Oh Megan, I am so sorry for everything you, PJ, and little Jack have been through. I pray that he keeps on fighting and you can keep the faith that he will pull through.

Anonymous said...

I wish nothing more for all of you than hope, health, and happiness. I know there's plenty of love surrounding you. Stay strong.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to hear what all of you had to go through on Saturday. Your family is in my thoughts. Jack is a fighter and so are you two. Try to stay strong for him.

Leona (inlove0924)

Anonymous said...

I'm at a loss for words and that's never a problem for me. I'm very sad reading your blog today. But I'm happy that Jack has been given the chance to spend more time with you, PJ and hopefully the girls once again... outside of the hospital.

I'm praying Jack every day. You are truly an amazing woman, wife and mom. I wish you the best.

(Stacey) MazzyStarz

Jessica said...

I so wish that I had words that would make it all go away, but I don't. Please take some time for yourself. Keep the prayers going to Mary, she's listening. He IS a fighter Megan, He IS. I believe that with all of my soul.
My thoughts are with you...

Anonymous said...

Megan - I am so sorry that you had such a scary experience with Jack. You, PJ, Jack and your girls are in my prayers and that you get through this tough time.
Kristen (daisynj)

Anonymous said...

I pray for your little boy every single day. I want him to get through this so badly....as if he was my own. I will continue to pray for him and hope for the best. I can't imagine what you are going through....but continue to be strong.....he can feel your strength.

Fellow Nestie
Maryann
(Maryannc)

Anonymous said...

Oh, I'm so sorry. You guys are very strong to still be holding it together at this point. I'm sure Jack can sense this too. God bless your little boy and tons of prayers that he gets better soon. Kristy

Anonymous said...

I pray for healing for little Jack and strength for you and PJ to pull through this! Your family is in all of our hearts and minds- you are amazing! Don't lose hope!
Cristal (cristallynn)

Anonymous said...

AS I read your blog I began to sob. I can not even imagine what you and PJ are going through. Take comfort in how far he has come. He is a fighter and so are his wonderful parents. In times like this you have to keep your faith and know that everything happens for a reason. You are all in my prayers and I will be saying an extra one for that little fighter.

Mrs.LB705 said...

Oh my gosh, Megan, I cannot even begin to imagine the emotional roller coaster you all have been on! I've been keeping up with your blog, and you have all been very much in my thoughts and prayers. Jack's story had me teary-eyed and breathless, and I will continue to pray that he finds the strength he needs to get home to you and PJ and his sisters (and big brother Leroy, of course!) where he belongs.

And I'm sending you and PJ both as much strength as I have in me! God Bless . . .

Linda
Mrs.LB705

Anonymous said...

Our prayers continue to be with you and your family. Alex's family also extend their thoughts & prayers to you. Patrizia & Alex

Kelly said...

Oh my. I don't even know what to say. I know that no words could take away the fear of that horrible day. I'm so glad they were able to re-intubate him successfully. He IS such a fighter! You all remain in my prayers. I'm praying healing prayers for Jack; and strength and courage prayers for your family.

Anonymous said...

I am very sorry that you had to go thru that, i could only imagine how painful it must have been.

Anonymous said...

I stumbled upon this blog while surfing the nest, and I have not been able to get you or little Jack out of my head. You have my prayers and thoughts. You seem to be an amazingly strong woman, hold onto that and your babies will feel it. God Bless you and your family.

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to stop in and let you and PJ know I am thinking of you. I wish I could somehow take your pain away..I am thinking of you and praying for you all.

-Abbie (tommygrl14)