Saturday, November 10, 2007

Faith

Yesterday morning, they tried to take Jack off the vent again. While he did take a few breaths on his own, he still ended up panicking and clamping his mouth shut and turning blue.

When I met with his doctor she said, they don't understand why he's not breathing on his own, and really have run out of ideas and tests to run. So they want to transfer him to The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia and have them see if they can find out what's causing this. It's supposed to be one of the best hospitals in the country.

To say I was upset would be an understatement. Even writing about it right now is making me start to cry again. I don't think I've ever cried as much as I have in the last 24 hours.

After I talked to the doctor I just went and sat with my boy and held his hand and cried. He was so worn out from the whole ordeal of having the tube taken out, he barely opened his eyes. They had his little arms pinned down again because he'd been so agitated he'd been pulling out his lines and the tube. The nurses turned the lights down in his section so the other parents wouldn't see me crying. I can't believe these nurses who love him so much won't be taking care of him anymore.

I just don't understand. I want to understand why, why is this hapenning, what is the reason. My mom kept saying, you always have faith. You always know everything will be okay, you know it will this time too. No, honestly, this time I don't.

I can't stop going over my pregnancy. I want to go back. I would do everything differently. I would never forget my vitamins, I wouldn't lay on my right side so much, I wouldn't eat that bologna sandwich, I'd drink more Ensures like they told me to, I wouldn't take any chances.

So probably Tuesday they are transferring him. Philly is about 2 hours from us, so we'll have to stay down there. I look at my girls and cry some more because I don't want to leave them, but really can't see taking them. My mom and my aunt and mother in law and sister in laws are going to take care of them in shifts.

I know now it was easy to have faith, to always believe everything would be okay, because it always was. Faith is about believing and knowing it will be okay, or at the very least you will get through it, even when it isn't okay. I don't know if I have that in me anymore.

47 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am crying for you! I am so sorry that things aren't going perfectly as you deserve. Please remember that this WILL all work out, it's just taking a little longer. Keep your faith...it got you this far and it will carry you forever!
Jennifer
(jenjen813)

Bake-a-lot said...

I am so sorry things are not going well... I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck with the new hospital- It will work out- Jack will get better and be home with your girls soon!

Linda said...

I am praying for Jack and your family Megan.

Anonymous said...

Megan,
I prayed this morning for Jack and I will continue to pray for him every chance I get. I know the question why all too well, and it is just about having faith that in the end it will all be okay. Many vibes and prayers to you and your family. Kristen8/16/03

Anonymous said...

Megan i am crying here for you! I'm so sorry Jack is going through this but please try to keep the faith that things are going to turn out ok. Jack really needs that now and i will keep praying for him. My heart is breaking for all of you. Praying to the blessed mother and St. Gerard to take care of all of you. Love Sandy

Anonymous said...

Megan,
I am praying for little Jack and your family. I have no idea what you must be going through. To be able to share with us is a testiment to your strength. Children's Hospital is a fantasic facility, he will get the best care.
Jenna (pd&j)

Anonymous said...

Megan,
My thoughts and prayers are with you, Jack, and your entire family. CHOP is a fantastic hospital and please take solace in knowing he will be taken care of by some of the best doctors in the world! Keep up your faith and remember to take care of yourself too.
Jackie
(notwifezilla)

Kate said...

I am crying right now for you. I am praying for you and your whole family. I wish there was something I could do to help you. CHOP is an excellent hospital-my friend used to work in their NICU. I wish she was still there so I could tell her to check on Jack. I hope they can whip him into shape:) I am glad you have some help with the girls. I know you don't know me but if there is anything I can do to help you out I would. Stay strong.
Kate (katethegreat10)

Anonymous said...

Megan,
I'm praying for Jack and your family. Be strong for your little one.

Hugs.
Stacey (Mazzy)

Anonymous said...

Megan- your whole family is in my prayers. As you know, I live in Philly and while you are here ANYTHING you need, just let me know- a home cooked meal, a ride, whatever.
Carly (mrs.carlybella)

Anonymous said...

Praying for continual strength for Jack and your family. Keep the hope and faith strong...it will get you through this. ((HUGS))
Nestie Cristallynn

Anonymous said...

Megan-
I am praying for all of you. Heaven, God and the saints are being stormed with prayers for all of you, but especially Jack.
CHOP is an amazing place - I am sure he will improve quickly.
Your faith has gotten you this far, don't let it fail you now....you are almost home all together!
Shannon (shannonkm7)

Heidi (heida73) said...

Oh Megan, I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this with Jack. He will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Lots of prayers for you and PJ to remain strong through this too!

Anonymous said...

I am crying with you as I read this. I'm a nestie that has been reading your blog for awhile and praying for you and your family the whole time... I am praying for you now too. I have heard wonderful things about the hospital Jack is going to. I will pray that this is a turning point in Jack's life when things start to get better and better!

Gillian said...

Oh Megan! I am so voery sorry.. if there is ANYTHING I can do, please let me know.. I am 20 minutes north of philly and can help with anything you might need..

Gillian
(Gillimax)

momofdom said...

OMG Megan! I don't even know what to say. I hear that CHOP is an excellent hospital and they'll figure out what's going on with Jack. He's going to be ok.

I know he's in the prayers of everyone on the nest. And...stop beating yourself up, you had a great pregnancy and did everything you needed to do to get the babies where they are. You can't control everything and you made it so much further than most people probably expected!

If you need anything, let us know. I know I'm a virtual stranger that you met once, but I'm here if you need anything.

Lisa said...

Megan - I am praying for you and for Jack. Continue to have faith and know that many, many peole have you in their thoughts and prayers.
-Lisa (~LisaD~ from the Nest)

Anonymous said...

Megan,

I'm a nestie who has been following your pregnancy and the birth of the babies, and you and your family are in my prayers. Keep your faith strong and just give him all the love you have. You are taking him to a wonderful hospital, and my gut tells me that you will soon be bringing home your wonderful, healthy little boy.
Lauren (lpwish)

Jan said...

Stay strong Mama Megan, I know it's hard, but look at all you have gone though to get where you are today. You have done nothing wrong, nothing so please stop beating yourself up thinking it. Besides creating three little miracles, you've got even this reformed catholic saying prayers for you, your family and expecially for baby Jack. Hang in there, keep the faith and many many HUGS!

Anonymous said...

Megan- I am so sad that Mr. Jack is not able to wean off the vent. I am thinking about you and your family and believe everything will turn out for the best. CHOP is the best of the best, it is a great place. I will continue to think about you. let me know if there is anything I can do.
Amy (zorahangels)

Anonymous said...

Megan,
You and your family, and especially Jack are in my prayers. STOP blaming yourself. You did NOTHING wrong!! You are a wonderful mommy, always were, always will be! Stay strong, and keep your faith!!
Tara (tpquinn72)

Anonymous said...

oh megan...i am so sorry to hear about lil' jack, but he WILL get better, and he will be home with the girls sooner than you know. and YOU did nothing wrong during the pregnancy. you can't analyze everything you did and didn't do. just keep looking ahead and know that we are all pulling for jack. things will look up, and know in your heart that you were a great mom during the pregnancy, and youre an even better mom now.

good luck, Ro (speranza821)

Laurie said...

Prayers for your little Jack, and also that your girls continue to get stronger and stronger!
Laurie
(Mrs.LM625)

Anonymous said...

Megan,
I am so sorry- but please keep the faith that little Jack will be fine in no time. CHOP is the BEST childrens hospital in the country - he will get outstanding care there.
I lived in philly for 23 years and my family is all there. Please page me on the nest if you have any questions or need anything!
Natalie042205

Dyana said...

I'm a random reader from Seattle that came across your blog through a friend who is pregnant with multiples. I've been following your story and just wanted to say that I'm concentrating all of my prayers to your little Jack and the rest of your family. Stay strong, your son needs you. Wishing you all the best...

Kristen said...

Megan - I am so sorry to hear the news about Jack. I have heard really good things about the Childrens Hospital - I'm sure he will be in great hands there. I will continue to pray for Jack and your family.
Kristen (daisynj)

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness...reading that made my heart ache, I can only imagine yours. that's a great hospital so I am hoping they have other ideas that can get Jack home with his family soon. Good luck and you guys are in our prayers.
Christine
(christine76)

C Laz said...

Megan, I am so sorry to hear about Jack. The hospital in Philly is supposed to be one of the best on the east coast, so you know your baby is in great hands. Not that it makes this ANY easier! You, your girls, PJ and Jack are in my thoughts and prayers!

Chrissy (Bluediamond923)

Anonymous said...

Megan, I am so sorry! I will keep your family and Jack in my prayers. I know your faith will get you through this.
-Erin (stormy101)

Anonymous said...

Megan & PJ - Alex & I send our thougts & prayers to little Jack. I'm sure he is going to get the help he needs in Philly. He'll be back home before you know it.
- patrizia (atsbride)

Anonymous said...

Megan,
Praying especially hard for Jack, you and PJ. CHOP is the place to be to help Jack come home. My brother lives in Philly....let me know if you need anything.

Ali
Dec2005bride

Anonymous said...

Megan-- Kevin and I are praying for Jack and your whole family. *tons of hugs*

Marissa (rissainthesky)

The Hyperfertile Infertile said...

Oh, sweetie. this is not something you did. It's really just not. Even the doctors and nurses don't know why this is happening right now... you can't try to blame it on anything you did. Sometimes, these things just happen.

Jack will be ok. I will have faith for you right now.

MC said...

Just wanted to add word that I am praying for you all and for Jack...and CHOP really is an excellent hospital. He will get the best of care there! I am hoping that they can figure out just what Jack has against doing all this on his own! You have a lot of people pulling for you out here!

Anonymous said...

Even if you start losing faith don't worry, the rest of us have plenty for you. You didn't do anything wrong during your pregnancy, please don't blame yourself. CHOP is the best place for him, they'll have little Jack turned around and home with you in no time. Hang in there. You're in our thoughts & prayers. (debfife)

Anonymous said...

Praying for you so much in the next coming weeks. Please keep us updated. Jack will be home before you know it!

Kimberly and the GA Guinn Trips
www.guinnfamilyhome.com

Anonymous said...

Megan, all of our prayers are with your family. My little one lit a candle for your little one today at church. She said "this is for the sick baby that needs our love". Everything will work out. CHOP is fantastic and took great care of us when we needed it.

The Home Cook said...

Megan - I'm keeping Jack and all of you in my prayers. I am so sorry you're going through such a tough time.

I also live about 20 minutes outside of Philly (same town as Gillia), so iff you need ANYTHING, just say the word. When my niece and nephew (twins) were born they spent some time at CHoP and it really is an amazing place. Jack will get great care there and hopefully they can figure out what's wrong.

Sarah
(oct11bride03)

Anonymous said...

Megan and family. I am so sorry to hear about Jack. You all will be in my prayers.I hear CHOP is an excellenct place for children. I am sorry you will be away from your girls for a bit.
And please, please do not beat yourself up over something you did during pregnancy. I think you were great and handled your pregnancy with grace. You are a wonderful mom!
Robin
(aka whirlygal)

Anonymous said...

Megan I am praying for you and for Jack. This is the best place for him right now. He'll get stronger & stronger everyday and he'll be home before you know it. Stay strong!

Anonymous said...

Fingers crossed, lots of prayers for Jack, you and PJ, and the girls. Love is faith... God will bless.

Anonymous said...

Oh Megan, I am so sorry. I don't want to sound contrived but CHOP is really a great hospital and hopefully now you can get some more answers. And please don't feel guilty about your pregnancy. The doctors told you that you were a baby making machine b/c you were so good! You did great! You and your family will be in my prayers.

Melissa (metucker)

pam said...

oh, sweet jack! i am so sorry you guys are going through all this. :( i hope he gets well soon and gets to come home and be with his sisters.

Jessica said...

My prayers go out to you. My girls were in the NICU for 23 days, only to have one of my daughters shipped back to the hospital to be readmitted 5 times, and then finally to be admitted to a hospital almost 2 hours away from home... All of this when I was still trying to nurse both girls AND take care of my 18 month old triplets... I ended up staying at the hospital for 2 months with my baby girl. Today is she is the PICTURE of health and perfection... I could not ask for more. BUT that time in my life was. H.O.R.R.I.B.L.E. and therefore my heart absolutely BREAKS for you. I wish there was something more that I could do for you, but please know that there is a large family here in VA praying SO hard for you. We too have a Jack, he's a big time fighter, and I told him tonight about your Jack... My trio said a prayer at bedtime for your trio... We are keeping you very close during this incredibly rough time. If theres anything that you need, or anything that we can do, please let us know.

Anonymous said...

Sending lots of vibes your way! I hope Baby Jack comes home soon and we will keep him in our prayers!
Gabrielle (MrsGabbs4Ed) from the Nest.

Adrienne said...

Megan,
I am so sorry that things with Jack are still so rough. You are all in my prayers. I hope that the hospital in Philly has some better suggestions for him and he is able to get better and come home soon.
MrsAdrienneT

Kelly said...

I'm keeping you all in my prayers. The NICU was the most horrifying experience of my life, and our time there was mostly uneventful. You stay strong, and I'll add some extra prayers to our Holy Mother in the name of your family.