Yesterday morning, they tried to take Jack off the vent again. While he did take a few breaths on his own, he still ended up panicking and clamping his mouth shut and turning blue.
When I met with his doctor she said, they don't understand why he's not breathing on his own, and really have run out of ideas and tests to run. So they want to transfer him to The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia and have them see if they can find out what's causing this. It's supposed to be one of the best hospitals in the country.
To say I was upset would be an understatement. Even writing about it right now is making me start to cry again. I don't think I've ever cried as much as I have in the last 24 hours.
After I talked to the doctor I just went and sat with my boy and held his hand and cried. He was so worn out from the whole ordeal of having the tube taken out, he barely opened his eyes. They had his little arms pinned down again because he'd been so agitated he'd been pulling out his lines and the tube. The nurses turned the lights down in his section so the other parents wouldn't see me crying. I can't believe these nurses who love him so much won't be taking care of him anymore.
I just don't understand. I want to understand why, why is this hapenning, what is the reason. My mom kept saying, you always have faith. You always know everything will be okay, you know it will this time too. No, honestly, this time I don't.
I can't stop going over my pregnancy. I want to go back. I would do everything differently. I would never forget my vitamins, I wouldn't lay on my right side so much, I wouldn't eat that bologna sandwich, I'd drink more Ensures like they told me to, I wouldn't take any chances.
So probably Tuesday they are transferring him. Philly is about 2 hours from us, so we'll have to stay down there. I look at my girls and cry some more because I don't want to leave them, but really can't see taking them. My mom and my aunt and mother in law and sister in laws are going to take care of them in shifts.
I know now it was easy to have faith, to always believe everything would be okay, because it always was. Faith is about believing and knowing it will be okay, or at the very least you will get through it, even when it isn't okay. I don't know if I have that in me anymore.