Honestly

I think, all things considered, I am doing really well emotionally. Maybe too well.... I worry maybe the crash is coming, I don't know. As excited as I am for Katie to come home, I wonder if that is what will do me in... having a tiny new baby at home, and 2 in the NICU.

Today though, was not great. The hormones, I guess pouring out of my body, have meant terrible night sweats almost every night since I had the babies. I wake up SOAKED. Drenched. But this morning, I was not only drenched in sweat, but also breast milk. It was everywhere. I took off my shirt and it just came spurting out. And then, as the icing on the cake, my old friend blood who I thought was almost gone, decided to reappear during the night. So i was quite a pretty picture this a.m.

After showering, and pumping, and trying to feel halfway human, I had to find something to wear which is almost impossible because who knows what I fit into and who knows where any of my non-maternity clothes even are. After finding something halfway decent, I dropped the hot iron on my hand and burned a big chunk of skin off.

Then I completely lost it and bawled for about half an hour.

I just want to cry today. I keep starting over everything. We got GREAT news that Katie is almost definitely coming home next week. She is up to 4lbs 3oz!!


Little Miss Katie in her OPEN CRIB - no more isolette!

She just needs to gain a little more weight, pass the car seat test and have a hearing test and hepatitis b shot and she's out of there. Little Charlotte is not too far behind... they took her IV off, she's eating great. She just needs to gain weight.

But Jack.... most days I can see Jack and rationalize with myself that he's okay, make PJ feel better about everything, tell everyone he's doing better, he'll get there, he looks much better... but today, I really just wanted to cry. He looked so SAD. His foot is literally purple and hugely swollen from the transfusion he received yesterday. They started him on medicine to try and close the little valve in his heart causing the murmur, so no food for him again. It's so bright and loud in the NICU he barely even opens his eyes, maybe a squint. When I talked to him and put my finger in his hand he grabbed on SO tight, it was like he was begging me not to go, to help him. His little arms are pinned down, and he keeps trying to grab some of the wires with his hand and pull them out.

We're torturing him. He should still be in his mom, floating around, happy. He was my craziest baby, he never stopped moving and kicking and wiggling. He was the first baby I felt move and the one I felt the most. He made me laugh every night with his acrobatics. Now he's pinned down with needles in every arm and leg.

I have never held him. He is 8 days old and has never been held by someone who loves him.

There are just two things I want right now, and I will be happy.

I want to hold my baby boy. And I want to see all 3 of my babies together. That's it.

I told him tonight, he needs to do this. Close that little hole in your heart. Rest up all weekend. Sleep tight. Get strong. And Monday morning, BREATHE. Open your mouth and take a big breath. Then you can move out of that terrible room. Those tubes and needles can come out. Mommy and Daddy can hold you and hug you and kiss you. That's all you need to do, is just breathe.

I'm going to keep reminding him all weekend.