Saturday, March 14, 2009

Degrees of Separation

I'm one of those people who can SLEEP. I love to sleep. My head hits the pillow and I am OUT.

Of course even I would occasionally (though rarely) have trouble falling asleep. Usually because my mind just wouldn't 'quiet down'.... I start thinking and thinking and can't stop and get myself all upset or worked up and then I can't fall asleep. My trick for when this happens is to play the "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" game in my head. Yes, that's right.... it quiets my brain. I am really good at it, I pick the most difficult person I can think of so i have to really work at it. Makes me stop thinking about anything else, stop remembering or worrying and just start trying to somehow connect Bing Crosby to Kevin Bacon... by the time I figure it out I'm usually halfway to dreamland.

This week, I've been spending a lot of time laying in bed thinking about Kevin Bacon movies. I just cannot sleep. At first I blamed it on our Keurig and the large volume of coffee I've been drinking, but I don't think that's it.... I've been drinking disgusting amounts of coffee since the babies were born. It's my mind... it won't stop. Even my little trick isn't working. I'm not sure what it is that's causing it, but I'm tired.

So much of it is thinking about Jack, and so often it's just the little things. Trying to remember exactly what songs we had on his CD player. The precise walk from the parking garage up to his crib. The names of his nurses. What his little chubby hands looked like, what his stinky little neck smelled like (the kid never did have a real bath). The sound of the machine that suctioned out his nose, and how much he hated it. The feeling of him grabbing on so tight to my finger.

I can go days, weeks now even and feel okay. Feel okay about everything, love my girls and my husband and miss my Jack but really believe all the trite things I tell other people - it's okay. Jack's in heaven, he's watching over us, he's here with me all the time, I will see him again, at least he's not suffering anymore, Jack was a little angel who was never meant to be here long....

And then something will remind me of him, and sometimes it's the craziest thing. It's U2 singing "Beautiful Day" on Good Morning America, or Alicia Keyes at the Oscars. The other week it was John Carter fainting on ER.... when he fainted, as he went down, his eyes rolled back in his head and I instantly thought JACK! Jack used to do that all the time, he didn't have very good control over his eyes. This melodramatic moment on television actually made me smile for a moment, thinking of my blue eyed boy. But then it started my mind going and no amount of Kevin Bacon movies could stop it.

I hope the memories never stop. One of my biggest fears is forgetting anything. Jack was here for such a short time, every day, every second is so important.

At least once a day I look at the girls and think, where would Jack be... where would he fit on my lap, which swing would he be on, who would he be pushing off the firetruck, which direction would he be running in and how would I ever catch all three of them. And I always know we would make room on my lap, and it would be the swing right in between the girls, we would share the firetruck, and I would just have to run a little bit faster. I wish, I wish, I wish.

17 comments:

Star said...

I worry I will forget Roger a lot. Its probably one of the number 1 reasons I blog. I want to remember every single story and every single moment we had together.

And I think about Roger in a similar way. What would we have done for our 1 year anniversary? What would he look like grey? Would he have gotten a little tummy like most husbands? Would we ever have kids? I'm sure you are familar with the same game different players...

BenLand said...

yours was one of the very first blogs i started to follow about a year ago....when i saw the pictures of your 3 beautiful kids i was hooked.....i was so touched by your story and i have to tell you that i think of little jack a lot....and his cute sisters too....

~colleen,pa

Millicent said...

Its funny you write this post now. I have had probably the worst week of life so far. I found out my oldest daughter (8) was being sexually abused at school for 18 months. These feeling are so hard to describe.... But I went to speak to a friend only to find out they are dealing with the same thing, but it is the grandfather. I was driving home feeling totally overwhemled and sad. Then for the first time in months "no one" came on the radio. I look up and said "thanks Jack". I believe he was letting me know its going to be ok and he is watching over our special girls as they work through this. No mattter what he brought me some peace when I desperately deserved it.

Emily said...

Your sweet Jack is there each and every day - in the girls smiles, in their laughter, in your tears and most of all in your hearts - forever and always. His spirit will forever live on & though it is not enough, I am so glad you have your memories...Thinking of you and your sweet angels!

Molly said...

I have trouble sleeping and I don't have even a reason like yours. But my mind runs and runs when my head hits the pillow. If it's really bad I usually have to take something to "quiet" it down. I have decided to take a class on meditation and maybe try acupuncture. I've been wanting to do this for awhile. The problem with that plan is time and money. I have little of either!

You will never forget Jack. I mean, random strangers like me are thinking about him from time to time! Just think about that when you think you'll forget something. Other people remember him. You'll never forget.

Following Him said...

YOU WILL NEVER EVER EVER FORGET JACK! He was apart of you in the womb and will always be in your heart.
Sorry you are having trouble sleeping, hope it gets better soon!
~Elyse~

Rachael said...

you know megan, i don't think you will forget. ever. but even if you do, you have here. you have us. you have this.

Katie M said...

He's impossible to forget, for everyone who he touched, so that goes double for his Mommy.

I heard Alicia Keys on my way home Thursday, I was going to send you a msg, I wish I had.

Lani said...

I have trouble sleeping ALL the time.. same thing, my brain just won't stop. I listen to audiobooks on my ipod, that usually puts me right to sleep.. like being read a bedtime story:)

Thank you for reminding again, that every moment with my kids is precious. Even the screamy, snotty sweaty, whiny moments are ones I'm lucky to have.

Anonymous said...

I have a Keurig too and drink way too much coffee! Jack will never be forgotten...I think about Jack often too....your girls are beautiful! I hope you have a good night sleep!

Marie said...

you will never forget him. that is one of the most touching stories i have read. you guys are in my thoughts...and little jack is too even though I never met him or well even know you really lol :)

The Mommy said...

It may seem strange, since I only "know" you from following your blog, but for some reason today - before I even read your entry - as I looked at your header my first thought was, "where would little Jack fit into the scheme of things at their place?" And I said a little prayer for you all, because I'm sure you think that regularly. I was right. You will always remember. And you won't be alone.

motheringmymiraclemultiples said...

We will never forget your Jack....
I think of all of you when hear the song.

Sending a hug your way....

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

The Eadle Family said...

I am so sad for you. Really. Everywhere I look parents are losing their children. I never can sleep anymore. My mind is always on the move.

BananaBlueberry said...

My heart is with you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Gingergirl. It's MrsFinny from the nest - you prbably dont even remember me, but I was pregnant with triplets about 6 wks behind you. I check up on you and your gorgeous girls from time to time but its been a while. I lost one of my babies during pregnancy, but I have felt the way you describe - How would I ever handle all 3? What would the other baby be doing right now, How would Sean and Mary get alone with their sibling??? Llts of questions, but the same answer...
Thinking of you
And the girls are getting more beautiful with every new picture.

tbonegrl said...

beautiful. I cried at this one.