Trio

My two girls are so crazy about each other. This morning, I realized just how much. Katie slept later than Charlotte so they were off schedule... when Katie was napping, Charlotte was awake. And Charlotte whined and fussed the entire time Katie was asleep, she didn't want to play, didn't want a bottle, breakfast, me - nothing. When Katie woke up from her nap I put them in their high chairs, side by side, and Charlotte stared at her, smiling, laughing. They reached out and grabbed each other's hand and giggled. It was a glimpse of my future, the two of them closer with each other than even with me, and that's okay. It made me laugh and cry at the same time.

Because, there should be three high chairs, and three babies holding hands and loving each other more than anything in the world. I kept thinking, do you miss Jack, babies? Do you look for him too? Do you wonder where he is, when he is coming home...... do you remember him, remember when you were all together? I hope you do, in some small way, remember that time you were all together.

Yesterday it was 5 months since Jack died, and we had an appointment with Katie's cardiologist, two things that kept me up all the night before, tossing and turning, worrying and remembering. While I was getting dressed before Katie's appointment, I felt someone touch me on the back - I thought it was PJ but when I turned around no one was there. Maybe it was Jack saying, I'm coming with you. I'm always with Katie and Charlotte, always.

Katie's appointment went fine, nothing new really - everything looks the same. Problems are still there but her heart isn't looking stressed. The surgeon is supposed to call me Friday so we can talk about when to schedule her surgery this summer. The longer we go, the more I dread it. My sweet Katie - it is so easy to forget there is something wrong with her, my chubby happy girl.

Every month, I find a different way I miss Jack. Lately, it is for the girls. I can't stop thinking of what they've lost. I feel the hole that's left for them. I think of how different the dynamics of our family would be, how different it would be if they had a brother with them to turn to, take sides, be a boy in between two crazy girls.

The hotel we stayed at in Philly when Jack was at CHoP had a big college bookstore attached to it. One night right around Christmas, PJ and I walked over and bought some books to read to Jack. One of them is called "Just Like Heaven", and it is the sweetest book. I don't know how I even found it, I'd never heard of it before (though I always liked Mutts), but there it was.... I read it to Jack only a few times, as it was very hard to get through.

Now I try to read it to the girls almost every day, though honestly I've yet to get through it with them without bursting into tears. Tucked into the back of the book I have some pictures of Jack. After we read it, I show the pictures to them and say, this is Jack, your brother. He's in heaven, just like in the book. I hope Mr. McDonnell doesn't mind me putting the book here... I will take it down in a few days. But for today, it means so much to me, I have to share it.

Just Like Heaven by Patrick McDonnell

One day, Mooch sat under his favorite tree
and took a nap (as cats often do).
While he slept, a deep fog slowly crept in
and covered everything.

Mooch awoke.
He looked left and saw nothing.
He looked right and saw nothing.
Up, down, all around.... nothing.
Mooch wondered where he was.

Heaven....? he thought.
I must be in heaven!

Mooch wasn't sure what to do.
So he just sat still.
But after a while, he became curious
and set out to explore.

He felt cool dew on his little cat feet.
He smelled a sweet perfume
and heard music in the air.

Wow, thought Mooch. What a great place.

He walked past the playground filled with children's laughter.
He walked past the town filled with friendly neighbors.
He paused at his own house filled with the people he loved.

So this is heaven, thought Mooch.

Then Mooch came upon a big dog chained in a yard.
The big dog growled (as unloved dogs often do)
and let out a BIG BARK.
In the past Mooch would have gone all fuzzy with fear and run away.
But here and now, Mooch wondered,
What would you do in heaven?
So he opened his arms and said....

"HUG TIME!"

And they did.

Wow, thought Mooch. What a great place.

Mooch continued exploring
until he ended back at his favorite tree
and took another nap (as cats often do).

Slowly the fog lifted
and the sun shone through.
Mooch awoke
to find his best friend Earl sleeping under their favorite tree.

Wow, thought Mooch. What a great place.

Just like heaven.