Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Speechless

I feel like I have nothing to say here. Nothing new anyway. Today: Girls are sweet and funny and perfect. Jack is gone and I miss him so badly I can never adequately describe it. Tomorrow's Forecast: More of the same.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I find myself lacking words in real life too. I have a list of phone calls I need to return, friends I need to contact. I will, eventually, I want to, soon. I just don't feel like talking. If I see you all the time, then it's different.... you know what's going on in my life, I don't need to fill you in, don't need to recap the past months. Because honestly, I can't.

I always have pictures though, lots of pictures. Life has been busy lately.



There will be a real post tomorrow - it's the babies 8 month birthday! I can't believe it! We went and visited the hospital where they were born today, to see all our friends at the NICU and let them see how big the girls have gotten. I'm really glad we went, we got some ideas about things to do with Jack's Fund and everyone said how great (and chubby!) the girls looked, but it was hard. All I could think of was Jack. I haven't been back since the day Jack left on the helicopter. It felt like he should still be there. Everything about it brought back so many memories. As hard as that time was, when the babies were in that hospital was actually a happy time. We still had hope. We still really thought Jack would be okay some day. Everyone there loved him. It really was his home.

18 comments:

Kristin (kekis) said...

Continuing through life is so hard when a big piece of your hear is now missing. It's only been a little over five months since you all lost precious baby Jack. Grief and healing take time, so please be patient with yourself and ask your IRL friends to do the same. We're here for you along the way.

Thanks as always for the pics of your chubby girls! :)

My name is Tammie said...

And beautiful girls they are!

Millicent said...

I understand that feeling, if only to a small degree. I have meant to email you. But Harry has left.

The depression is really getting to me now. I know I am not going through anything near what you have. But I have found from the experience I have had, that after all the flurry of actions and emotions you go through dealing with a hard situation, it is the stillness and quiet after that kills you. Life is still busy, don't get me wrong. But the soul is still. What do you do after all the 'stuff' stops? Why does everything have to feel dull, less sharp and real and new? I wish I had answers. I wish I could help you feel differently. Hopefully knowing you are not the only one struggling to make those phone calls, etc will help. (I so wish I was better with words, I hope this jumble of words makes sense)

Kalena said...

I have been following your blog for some time, but have never really left a comment. Thanks for sharing the pictures of the girls as always...they are adorable! I love their little bathing suits :)

Anonymous said...

I can't imagine what you're going through. I just want you to know that we're here to listen. Your sweet girls in their pool--so precious!

Franco*Filly (Jess) said...

I think even if you wrote gibberish on this blog, I'd still fanatically refresh my screen. Something about the way you write, not WHAT you write, is what draws me back. I cannot get over those girls. They have to have a playdate with max, lol. Now that they can defend themselves against his grabby hands...it will be a fair fight!!!
Gonna email you soon!

kelly said...

Your girls are simply adorable; thank you for sharing your pictures of them with us.

Anonymous said...

Your girls are so sweet and beautiful. I'm so sorry you have to feel pain as well. Thank you for sharing your journey.

the schirano triplets said...

love those girls, they are so beautiful!

Anonymous said...

I hope your heart finds peace. I wish I could help take the pain away!

The girls are so so SO cute as always. I especially love their swimsuits and large sunhats.

--A Mom in Jacksnoville FL

Rebecca Nixie said...

As time passes, they say the hurt gets easier...I hope so. Everyone deals with life differently, you have your way. Time. Give yourself time. Katie and Charlotte are beautiful as always. Gotta love the drool. One of my patients named their newborn Charlotte...I mentioned your blog. Always on my mind.

Anonymous said...

I hope one day you can wake up without so much pain in your heart. It will never totally go away but just ease up. Was so glad to see your post even if you had nothing to say. AND I LOOOOVE the hats! Those little girls are real fashion divas. We are all here for you even when you have nothing to tell us. Take care.
Love from the other side of New Jersey

Michelle said...

I've been a lurker of your blog for a long time too. I don't know how I ended up here, but I'm glad I did!

I totally agree with everyone here.

I wish I had some great words to offer.

Your children are beautiful!
You're doing a great job!
Keep up the faith!
Love,
Michelle from Houston

Oh, have you read this blog?
http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/06/my-purse.html

Anonymous said...

Hugs to you and your beautiful family. You always remain in my thoughts.
Tara
njbride2000t

Collegegirl said...

Girls are beautiful! Take your time with your lists!
~Elyse~

Anonymous said...

I love their big hats!!! You and your family are so blessed.

LauraBethRN said...

Hello,
I just wanted to let you know I stumbled across your blog through a friend's (And Babies Make Five). I went to the begining and read your story like a novel. I laughed, I cried, I felt like I knew you. You are truly an amazing person, woman, wife and mother and thank you for sharing. You've inspired me!

Deb said...

Explaining months of mental, physical and emotional static is so hard to someone who hasn't lived through it all with you every day. When you're ready, those calls will be cathartic as you recount your daily events of the previous months. The calls can wait, though. Friends always wait and love you from behind the scenes while you do what you have to do.