Friday, May 2, 2008

How My Mind Works

(I'm riding in the car with both babies and they're sound asleep in their carseats.)

I really really want a coffee.
But I can only get coffee from a drive-thru... not taking these girls out of the car.
Where is there a drive-thru?

There's a McDonalds not too far.
Forget the coffee, I'll try their new Sweet Tea.
I love anything with the word sweet in it. Sweet potato. Sweet roll. Sweet Tarts.
Can't just get iced tea though. I'll get an apple pie too.
I haven't had a McDonald's apple pie in forever.

No, I had one at CHoP.
We ate a lot of Mickey D's at CHoP.
We ate a lot of McDonald's at St. Barnabas too.

We ate McDonald's the day the helicopter came to take Jack to CHoP. We brought the food up to the little family lounge in the NICU and ate it and watched out the window, waiting to see the helicopter fly in.

When they finally arrived, the team of doctors and nurses rushed around getting Jack ready, I was signing forms, PJ had to run downstairs and get copies of Jack's xrays.

As they were about to load Jack into his little carrier, one of the pilots made everyone stop what they were doing. He said "STOP!! Let mom kiss him goodbye."

And they all watched me as I walked over and kissed him and held his hand and said I'd see him in Philly. I told him he was going to ride in a helicopter to a wonderful hospital where they would make him all better.

Why didn't they make him all better?

Why can't I kiss him goodbye, just one more time.

How did I start thinking about this. Now I can't stop crying.

I really want a coffee.

I really want that day back, even just to say goodbye to Jack one more time.

All roads, they lead me back to Jack.
You're gone four months today Jack.
As cliched as this is, it's true.... I miss you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow.
Every day, you feel further and further away from me.
And every day I miss you more.



46 comments:

heeda said...

Megan, you are an amazing woman. I love that you share these feelings with all of us. You always make me laugh and make me cry. :-)

Anonymous said...

meagan, you are a wonderful writer. I just love reading your blog, you can make me laugh and cry at the same time. It is good that you can share all your feelings. You are a great mother. Your little girls are very lucky. You will always have Jack in your heart, just hug your girls alot and love Baby Jack through them,
Hugs,
Linda F

the schirano triplets said...

i know your heart is breaking and i so wish that i could give you that day back. but i can only pray that in time your heart begins to heal and the weight begins to lift, even if it is just a little bit. every time i hear the alicia keys song i tell baby jack to go give his momma a kiss or to go say hi to her because, i tell him, his momma misses him. just know that though he isn't with you, he definitely isn't gone. he is still here megan, he is still here touching so many of us every single day.

Anonymous said...

I can feel your pain through your writing. I hope with each day you find more peace. This quote helped me through a terrible loss of someone I love: "Some people live in our hearts forever." I read it every day still- 13 years later. Hugs to you and your beautiful girls!

Diana said...

My heart goes out to you every day. I have tears in my eyes reading your pain.It's so hard to imagine it getting any easier but it must. It just has to. Give your girls an extra hug and kiss and imagine all the virtual hugs you are getting.

Anonymous said...

I really wish you could have your coffee, too. Not as much as you do, but still...

Jessica B said...

:( I wish your pain would lessen, Megan. But the pain just shows you how much Jack means to you and will always mean to you and your family. He is not here physically but no one will ever forget him or love him any less. Especially you. I hope with time it does not hurt so much. :(

Jessica said...

Amazing how the mind works, and all roads lead to things important to us. I am so sorry that you are hurting so much. I can not imagine your pain. As you know, this is all the healing process that you must go through, I wish there were an easier way for you. It's so good that you get your feelings out and that you never forget your little Jack. My thoughts are w/ you and your husband and two beautiful little girls.

Emily said...

You really do have the gift to make your readers laugh and cry all at the same time. You are a strong and amazing woman and I know Jack is proud to an angel watching over his Mom and beautiful family...BIG hugs...

Anonymous said...

As the previous poster wrote, Jack has a wonderful mother and he will always be with you and with us through your words, actions,...you have an amazing way that touches people...I know I smiled and cried reading your words today....I can also relate to wanting that coffee...I will pray that your pain is lessened...

Hyperfertile Infertile said...

We miss you, Jack!

Sara said...

I have followed your blog since you had your babies but never commented before. I just wanted to let you know that I pray for you and think you are a wonderful mom.

Liz said...

damn you get me everytime! I do have to share something with you-
my husband clicked on your blog from the link on my blog and he told me of course he wasn't expecting to find what he did (re:loss of Jack). He told me he started reading and your entries really got to him. He had to stop. Now for him to admit that and even mention it to me, that says a lot! Jack's story gets to everyone somehow or another.

Anonymous said...

Today was the first day I have read your blog. I read every single post from the the very beginning to this post.

I laughed, I cried, I cried some more.

I wish I could give you a big hug right now. You are stronger than you now.

Much love to you and your family, and a big prayer to Jack, who has touched the world ten times over.
Monica

Lisa said...

I have been reading your blog for a little bit now. I followed a link from a friend and was so touched by what you write. How wonderful to have a place where you can say all the things that your heart needs to say. I admire you for doing just that.
I lost my Joshua in the NICU after 7 weeks and 2 days. He was very premature and suffered the complications of that. His 5th birthday would have been on April 19th of this year. We celebrate it every year. We always will.
I really identified with this post (as well as so many others) because there is always that place in my head and heart that takes me to him when I see/hear/smell/experience certain things. Those times can make me cry or smile, but always reaffirm to me that Joshua is forever a part of me. As your Jack is a part of you.
He's a beautiful boy, you are a beautiful Mom and you have a beautiful family. I am glad that I finally had the courage to tell you so.
Much love from a fellow Angel Baby's Momma,
Lisa

Lotta said...

You make me think about grief in a way I never had before. I didn't even imagine how hard it would be to get further away from the death. The opposite of what we are told will happen.

Just keep praying, and know that Jack hears you and loves you still.

Nicole Philen said...

Meagan, you are a very heartfelt writer and an amazing mother. Jack is with you forever, and he will grow up living in his sister's hearts.

Brian & Debbie said...

All thoughts leading to Jack just show exactly how much you love and miss him. And he knows this! He's with you all the time.

You mentioned the McDonalds at CHOP. My Mom was in Univ of Pen right next door. We lived at that mcdonalds (yuck). I can count the times I've eaten it since on one hand. It reminds me of that time. For some reason it only reminds me of the bad parts of our Philly days and not the better days (I guess if there were "good" days we wouldn't have been there in the first place).

Anonymous said...

Megan, Our minds are soooo alike. I am praying for you this morning that you will continue to heal, that you can always remember the wonderful feel of your little Jack's warm hands, that you will always know that Jack was comforted every time you touched his little hands and face, that you will know that Jack is with our heavenly Father and that you will hold him again when we all go to our Home in Heaven. Megan, you truly are an amazing woman and Mom. I pray that you know how much God loves you and that you will be touched today. I cannot begin to know what you feel, but I join you in prayer for strength to believe.
Your baby daughters are so precious and have such wonderful expressions. I can feel the love that you have for them as I read through your blog.
I hope you don't mind that I prayed this prayer for you on your blog. I just had such a strong need today to express this prayer for you.
God Bless You and your wonderful family.
Sharan, RN in Texas

Pam said...

only you can make me laugh and tear up in the space of one post. you pay wonderful tribute to jack in your blog, i hope you keep these posts in a permanent place so you don't lose them ever.

Anonymous said...

My mind works exactly like that. Sometimes I start talking about something (that in my mind fit perfectly into the sequence of thoughts) and my husband will look at me like I'm nuts. lol! It's part of my charm! HAHAHAHA!

When Jack died I came home and told my son who is currently 8 1/2 months all about him. We pray for you and your family every night.

Your blog makes me laugh and cry (and jealous that your preemie girls to more than my preemie boy, and he's 2 months older).

HUGS!

tbonegrl said...

((HUGS))

I heard Alicia on the radio yesterday and I cried a tear for Jack and the doodles.

Millicent said...

"When the rain is pouring down
And my heart is hurting
You will always be around
I know this for certain..."

Just keep singing it Megan, I will be singing along with you...

velmadinkley said...

Oh Megan,
My heart hurts for you. Isn't it amazing the "snowball effect" our thoughts have sometimes? We start off with one simple little thought (coffee) that grows and grows and grows (Jack is SOOO very missed).
I continue to pray for you, dh, Jack and your girls. Thank you for continuing to share yourself with your readers.
HUGS!
--A Mom in Jacksonville, FL

Nicole said...

God Bless You!

Anonymous said...

I can understand how your mind would follow that path back to Jack. Jack will always be a part of everything you do. I wish your Jack was here with you in person and I wish it didn't hurt so much that he can't be. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

Jennifer in MN

Monica said...

Megan -- you are amazing. And Jack's short life makes me hold my own son closer each night -- thank you for that.

Molly said...

I check your blog at least once a week. I never posted on the nest where you did but for some reason, when I heard your story, I just could not stop thinking about it. Every week something tips me off about Jack. Usually it's the Alicia Keys song and that reminds me of Jack and that I need to check your blog. I know it probably doesn't make that much of a difference. But I want you to know that Jack is everywhere. When I hear the song on my radio, he is in my car. When I hear the song on my computer at work, he is in my office. When you say he is further and further away from you, don't believe what your head is telling you. Because he is right there. Jack is right there and everywhere at the same time.

AddieLynn said...

God Bless you and your family! I pray that every day gets a tiny bit easier for you! Thank you for sharing such raw emotions with your readers. I think about Jack all the time, and it usually ends in tears for me too. (Sorry I'm going through IVF now and am a crazy hormonal lady!!!)

Anonymous said...

Hugs Megan.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry, I hope you have a better day tommorrow. Hugs to you!!
Lori

Anonymous said...

I don't even have words to tell you how my heart breaks for you. Please know that your precious Jack has touched so many hearts, mine included. Lots of hugs and love to you.
N.

Anonymous said...

If more people had your courage and strength, the world would no doubt be a better place. You have inspired so many to be better people, love more give more.... you are truly an inspiration.... i think we all need to keep jack closer in our hearts when our own burdens seem to weigh us down..... many blessings to you and your family

leona said...

My heart goes out to you....the mind works in mysterious ways... sometimes in good ways and sometimes not in good ways. But this is the way your mind is not allowing you to forget Jack. He will always be with you even when you're just getting a coffee.

Katie M said...

I think it's natural, the mind keeps going and going...eventually all thoughts lead to Jack. He's always on your mind even if you are thinking that all you want is coffee. He'll always be there, he's always watching. Your WHOLE family is in my prayers every night.

davezwife said...

I keep thinking that lil' Jack is giving you wonderful simple things to write about just so the world can share him. Holy crap, you're a great writer.
I'd love to have that cup of coffee with you anytime, just to hear more stories about your babies!

Niki and Brian said...

Just a note to say that I have been reading your blog since your babies were born. I put a link to your blog on mine. I hope you don't mind.

You are in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Megan, just letting you know that I am thinking of you and your family. I care so much for your family.
Randi Booth
MA

Suzanne said...

holy cow, woman...i am BAWLING my eyes out over here. i cannot begin to imagine your heart ache. i know little jack is so proud of his mommy and loving you from above.

TeacherGirl said...

God Bless You, Megan!

Anonymous said...

Megan
I so hope that you write a book someday. You have this incredible way of putting in print exactly how you feel (and how others feel at times). I love your blog-read it every week...and I think of your Jack often.

Cristy
CT Nestie

Sandy said...

You are such a sweet, sweet person. That Jack is so lucky to have you to call his mom forever.

God bless you and your beautiful family.

Laura said...

Megan, I have been reading your blog since shortly after your dear babies were born. I have never written because...well, maybe because I admire you so much that I have been unsure of what to say. You are an incredible writer, with the seemingly effortless ability to bring out true heart-wrenching emotions in others as well as make them laugh out loud. You are also an incredible mother to all three of your children. Your girls are growing more beautiful by the day, with so much personality emerging! I have never lost a child and don't know what you appreciate hearing and what you don't, but I will say that so many of us love Jack and think of him often.
My Sophie was born at only 23 weeks and by some outrageous miracle, survived--reading your story makes me appreciate every single second with her even more than I thought possible.
Thank you so much for inspiring us all.

Anonymous said...

*****hugs******

Jennifer (Nestie Sulla) said...

Megan, I'm still giving lots of extra hugs and kisses to my boys for Jack. Thank you for reminding me of what really matters.

Patyrish said...

My mind works much like yours. You start out thinking of something totally insignificant and it ends up leading you to something so deep.

Thinking of you....and always remembering sweet Jack.