Sunday, May 11, 2008

And my heart is hurting

I hope everyone had a nice day, whatever the day meant to you. I never before realized how difficult Mother's Day is for so many people, so many women. To have healthy, happy children AND a happy healthy relationship with your own mother seems to be almost impossible.

I have both. And yet, I don't. I don't have my Jack.

I was honestly blindsided by how hard this day was, this whole weekend really. I didn't dread it. I thought, my first real Mother's Day. With my girls. It will be nice.

It wasn't.

This has been the hardest few days for me since Jack died. I cried, a lot. I feel raw and open and tired. Every single cell in me misses him. Every piece of me hurts. I started crying early this morning in a way I don't think I ever have, and thought I might not be able to stop, though eventually I did.

I don't know exactly why all of a sudden it is so hard again. I think for the first time I really feel like, I am a mom. I am Jack's mother. And I am not with him, I can't take care of him, I couldn't ever really take care of him, from the moment he was born. And no one in my real life, not even my husband who I know loves and misses Jack just as much as i do, can really understand that. What it feels like.

Every second of the last few days I have thought about Jack. He has been with me, I know. It started Friday morning.

Friday was a rainy, grey, terrible day. The phone rang pretty early in the morning and it was a very nice woman from some kind of Child Services office who wanted to follow up on how my triplets were. She said, let's start with Baby Boy C, I don't even have his name. Could you tell me his name and how he's doing?

Sure. His name is Jack, Jackson actually. And he died.

But I still cannot get that sentence out without crying, which I did, and the poor woman on the phone immediately started crying also, and we ended up talking and crying for awhile. She apologized over and over, and she told me if I need help with anything to call her. She told me about a program where the State will pay for Jack's medical bills if they total 10% of our income. I told her the only way that will happen is if we end up having to pay for his helicopter flight which we got a bill for months ago, but I thought it was all straightened out.

After I hung up, the girls went down for their morning nap and I stood in the shower and cried. I thought of our song, on this rainy day...

when the rain is falling down,
and my heart is hurting,
you will always be around,
this I know for certain.

I said Jack, please, let me know you're around, send me a sign, something, anything, please.

Not an hour later the doorbell rang, and it was a certified letter. Containing a bill for over $9,000 for Jack's helicopter ride to CHoP.

I said Jack, if this is your idea of a joke, you're not funny.

But as I thought about it I realized the bill wasn't Jack's sign... the phone call was. That kind woman who called an hour before and told me, if you need help, I am here. That was Jack. And the phone call came before the certified letter, so I knew already, the minute I opened it, don't panic. It will be okay.

I read something so beautiful on another blog, a brilliant blog by a woman who writes in a way I can only dream about. After her son died, a twin, she wrote that now his soul was back with her. And everything she did, she did with him, everything she saw, she saw for him, everywhere she went, she took him with her. That is exactly how I feel. Jack is back in me, back where he started. And he's in his Dad too, and his sisters maybe most of all. Everything the girls do, every first they have, Jack has with them. Every time I kiss them, hug them, comfort them, I do it for Jack too. That is the closest I can get to him. That is the best thing I can do for him. Live life, see everything, feel everything. Be happy. And love my girls.

The loving my girls part is easy. Happy 7 months my babies, all three of my babies. I love being your mom.


Sandy said...

Megan i'm in tears for you. I'm so sorry this day was so hard for you. I wish you peace and strength always. I'm always thinking about you.

Anonymous said...

Oh Megan-what a beautiful person and mother you are-Jackson is so lucky to have you as a mother-I wish he was here with you too. Happy Mother's Day to you. Happy 7 months to your three children too.

Amanda said...

This day was so, so much harder for me than I expected, too. I love what you wrote about Jack being back inside you, I will think of my Spencer that way. Thanks. I understand everything you feel as I felt it all today, too. Happy Mother's Day.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry this was so hard for you. You are a wonderful mother and you will always have Jack in your heart and in your mind. Jack is with you Megan.

Happy Mother's Day.

Lotta said...

It's true angels are here on earth looking out for us. No doubt Jack was whispering in that woman's ear so she would prepare and help you.

Anonymous said...

My heart aches for you. I believe Jack will always be with you.

Millicent said...

There was another sign for you Megan, well in my mind anyway, the next verse in the song is... (as I am sure you know)

"You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don't worry 'cause
Everything's gonna be alright"

He is letting you know he is there and will be there, and it is going to be alright. Keep singing it and keep believing.

Happy Mother's Day.

Allison&Jeff (Nestie) said...

Happy Mother's Day to you. Thank you for making me appreciate every single moment that I spend with my children. I have a "challenging" little 3 month old boy and before I start to complain, I think about how lucky I am to have him....and then I complain ;-P I love your blog and your children are beautiful, I get such a kick out of the girls. I related to one of your posts where you said that the girls were crying and all you could do was cry along with them. I've recently been there and done the same and felt much better afterward. Hang in there Megan, Jack is all around you.

Anonymous said...

Continuing to pray that your heart finds peace. I know Jack will be with you (and PJ and the girls and ALL who love him) every step of the way.
--A Mom in Jacksonville, FL

Christie said...

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what you go through every day. You must be a very strong woman. An online friend of mine lost one of her triplet girls. I just read her most recent entry and thought of you. If you want to read it, her site is:
You will always be a wonderful mother of triplets. Never think you aren't.


Alicia Gould Photography said...

Megan - I can't think of anything to possibly say. I hope Jack keeps giving you signs, there are so many people around you who love you and want to help. Happy Mothers Day, you are a wonderful mother to all 3 of your beautiful children!

Patyrish said...

Thinking and praying for you always. I can't imagine the pain of loosing Jack and then the daily realization that he is not here.


Anonymous said...

I'm not associated with this organization at all, but know about it because of a former neighbor...she wrote this article.

Thought maybe you'd be interested

Good luck & my thoughts are with you.

Shally said...

I cannont imagine the pain of losing a child... I am so sorry.

But, I can relate to the joy of twins. Mine are two.

Good luck to you!

the schirano triplets said...

i am sending a big virtual hug your way...and lots of prayers. happy mother's day megan.

Busted said...

Megan, I'm so sorry this weekend was so hard for you, as it was for so many of us. I know how hard it must have been for you to be expected to be celebrating when such an important part of the day was missing for you. I know that Jack is with you.

It took my breath away when I saw the song lyrics you'd posted. The same song is the one that I associate with our Doodles, that will always make me cry but alos comfort me. The same lyrics you posted are the ones that resonated with me the most.

Thinking of you and Jack.

Rebecca Nixie said...

Megan, I'm sorry your first Mother's Day was so hard for you. Celebrate Jack every chance you can. Keep him close and alive through Katie and Charlotte. You are a GREAT MOM!!!!

Anonymous said...

Good God, Megan. I feel like I could cry for you, with you.

I can't imagine receiving that phone call. How do you respond, what do you say? It makes feel sorry for that poor woman, who had no way of knowing.

I continue to pray for you and all of your family.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry. I cried reading your post. My baby is 7 months today and I will hug him even tighter.

Sarah said...

I was on one of my friends blogs that also has lost a child, her baby boy was a stillborn. She found this poem that another Mommy had written about her baby she had lost. I thought of you immediately and thought it might bring you some comfort.

> What Makes a Mother>
Jennifer Wasik
> In memory of Zachery Wasik
> 1/29/98-1/29/98
> I thought of you and closed my eyes
> And prayed to God today.
> I asked what makes a Mother
> And I know I heard him say.
> A Mother has a baby
> This we know is true.
> But God can you be a Mother
> When your baby's not with you?
> Yes, you can He replied
> With confidence in His voice
> I give many women babies
> When they leave is not their choice.
> Some I send for a lifetime
> And others for a day.
> And some I send to feel your womb
> But there's no need to stay
> I just don't understand this, God
> I want my baby here
> He took a breath and cleared His throat
> And then I saw a tear.
> I wish I could show you
> What your child is doing today.
> If you could see your child smile
> With other children and say
> "We go to earth to learn our lessons
> Of love and life and fear.
> My Mommy loved me oh so much
> I got to come straight here.
> I feel so lucky to have a Mom
> Who had so much love for me
> I learned my lesson very quickly
> My mommy set me free.
> I miss my Mommy oh so much
> But I visit her each day.
> When she goes to sleep
> On her pillow's where I lay.
> I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
> And whisper in her ear.
> Mommy don't be sad today
> I'm your baby and I'm here."
> So you see my dear sweet one
> Your children are ok
> Your babies are here in My home
> And this is where they'll stay.
> They'll wait for you with Me
> Until your lesson is through.
> And on the day that you come home
> They'll be at the gates for you.
> So now you see what makes a Mother
> It's the feeling in your heart.
> It's the love you had so much of
> Right from the very start.
> Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
> Until their time is done.
> They'll be up here with Me one day
> And you know you're the best one!

I know I can't begin to image how you or my friend Lynne feels, but I know that Jack has to be watching down on you and your family. I hope the days get easier for you.

Jessica B said...

Hugs to you Megan...I wish I could just take an ounce of your pain a way just so it hurt a little less. I think another commenter said it best, you will always be the mother of triplets. Always. Hugs.

Gwen said...

I'm so sorry Megan. You are a wonderful mom, both to your girls and to Jack. And you did take care of him, although I know what you mean. I felt helpless when my girls were in the NICU too. But you loved him. That's the most important job that a mom does, and you did that for him, and still do.

Kelly said...

I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers daily. You are such a strong woman and mother. I know that Jack is in Heaven watching you proudly and telling everyone "that's my mommy!".

Anonymous said...

I was in tears reading your blog today. There will probably always be a little whole in your heart but especially on Mother's Day. But know that Jack is watching over all of you and he knows how much you all love him and miss him. You have a right to a hurting heart. Just give the girls extra extra hugs 1 for them and 1 for Jack. You are an amazing Mom and don't you forget it. God Bless you and your family.

Jean said...

Don't discount your writing ability. You have me in tears. You write from your heart. My heart aches for Jack.
I hold my own children closer and cherish them because I do know that there are mothers who aren't able to hold their own children.

Linda said...

I'm so sorry you're having such a tough day and a tough time. Try and take some solace in the fact that so many people love Jack. I hope you were able to enjoy some time with your girls on their 7 months.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you had such a tough Mother's Day. You are such a beautiful loving mom to all of your children.

Jennifer in MN

Anonymous said...

My heart hurts for you- you are such a strong woman. So many lives have been changed by your little Jack. His sisters carry him with them. I am sorry Megan.

Katie M said...

I was thinking about you on Sunday and prayed for you and all the others who were in pain for one reason or another. After reading this I wish I had prayed even harder for just you. I think you are brave and strong and probably more so now than you were before because your brave and strong little boy truly is back inside you. I'm sure he will continue to remind you he is always around.

Karen said...

Oh sweetie, I thought of you so much on Sunday and I just can't imagine the pain you go through every day. I am so unbelievably sorry for your loss and I just have no words of comfort for you. I know you are stronger than I ever could be and I know that you have so much love for your beautiful babies, all three of them. Your girls will know that love forever, and Jackson knows it, too, I just know that in my heart.

I don't know you, Megan, but I love you so much, and I love Jack and your girls and I'm here for you if you need anything, even across this funny place we call the blogosphere.

Casie said...

I keep coming back to your blog and keep crying at every post about Jack. What a beautiful thought that he is with you in every moment of your day. My only hope is that the tears I shed each time I read will take a few away from you. One less tear for you to cry.

Maybe better Mother's Days are in store for you. I'm sure there will be better ones, although never totally normal. Katie and Charlotte have such a good mommy and I KNOW they appreciated you on Mother's Day! :)

Mrs. Schmitty said...

Dear Megan, I just stumbled up on your blog and I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how bittersweet this day must be for you. Be strong.

Anonymous said...

Megan you were on my mind all day on Sunday. So was Jack, I was sitting outside and the wind wa blowing and I thought of Jack. I hope he showed you some signs on Sunday. I know he was with you and the girls and PJ. This post made my cry my eyes out. And although I have never met you in real life, my heart is breaking for you. I continue to pray for your family and especially for you and sweet Jack.

CT Knottie Jenn

Anonymous said...

This is the most beautiful blog I have ever read. This entry is so touching, so real, so raw. You should think about writing a book someday. Just beautiful....

Meredith said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Meredith said...

Thank you for expressing yourself in such a touching way. I read your blog often and I am touched by the poignancy of your posts. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

sweettea said...

I get you about Mother's Day. An older lady at church smiled at me as I worked at the registration desk for the nursery and said in response to someone saying "Happy Mother's Day": "What other kind is there?" My immediate thought was, "Well, there's sad..." Knowing all the heartache that many mothers feel from the sites I visit as well as missing my own Micah Rhys, it's also a sad day. But I can recognize that it's a happy day in that I can be happy I am that child's mother, even if they are no longer under my care. They're still my child, and I'm still their mama.

Elizabeth said... heart is breaking for you....I thought of you on Sunday and just read your blog are so strong. Jack is always in my thoughts. He's made such an impact in my are a wonderful Mother!

Gillian said...

I know I sound like a broken record, but Megan, you continue to amaze me. Your strength, your drive.. it humbles me.

Vanessa said...

Megan I've been reading your blog for a while now, and sometimes I laugh, and sometimes I cry. We all think something about us is not as thoughtful or eloquent, or touching, or meaningful a it is for someone else. You said that "I read something so beautiful on another blog, a brilliant blog by a woman who writes in a way I can only dream about." But you do Megan, you write in a way that touches people, and shows them how beautiful and special you are, and what a great mother you are, to both of your beautiful girls and you sweet baby boy in heaven. Keep writing this wonderful blog, because there are people who look up to you too!

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to share these lyrics with you

Flying With Angels

Where are you going, inside your mind
I guess were always livin'
on borrowed time
Yes I will be here, to hold your hand
just close your eyes and sleep
I understand

You're flying with angels
above us all and I'll be here
to catch you if you fall

If others leave you, you know I'll stay
My dreams will whisper to you
and guide you way
so sleep my darlin' (sleep my darlin')
one kiss goodnight (one kiss goodnight)
another song awaits you
with rising eyes

Chorus 2x

Oh I'll be here to catch if you fall

Nicole said...

Peace be with you.
Please know that every mother who reads this is thinking of you and thinking good thoughts for you.

My mom's grandmother told my mom, and then my mom told me, when I was a little girl, that we all have angels that look out for us in Heaven, not guardian angels, but other ones who help us out when we really need it and just look in from time to time.
I hope you can find solace in the fact that you know your angel's name: Jack.

Jenny May McKim said...

I know this post was from quite a while ago but I was so touched by it.
I have no way of understand your lose but I do remember how excited I was for my first mothers day and how I ended up spending it in the NICU with my little girls and how even though they were with me I cried the entire day... I look forward to reading more of your blog!