Sometimes it just hits you from out of the blue....
Sunday morning I was trying to send my sister-in-law a picture I had taken on my cellphone of Katie enjoying her sweet potatoes, but my cell kept giving me a message that my picture inbox was full, or something along those lines.
So I went through my inbox, starting way at the beginning, trying to weed out some pictures. At first they were all silly photos PJ had sent me from the firehouse, or pictures I had sent him of our poor cat, from back when he was still the baby of our household. And then, suddenly, it was all pictures of Jack, picture after picture, tons of them.
Many of them I remembered, had downloaded and looked at over and over, but some I had forgotten about. When any of us would go to Philly, we would send whoever was left at home pictures of Jack from our phone. I thought I had every photo of Jack completely memorized, I had looked at them all so much.... finding ones I had forgotten even existed was like finding a treasure, a gift, and yet it felt like it cracked my heart right open all at the same time. All day Sunday, and even today, I couldn't stop thinking about them. I felt so sad, I really just wanted to crawl into bed and hold Jack's soft blue blanket I sleep with at night, and cry. And cry and cry and cry.
Two of them in particular I don't think I'd seen since the day they were sent to me.... my aunt had gone down to Philly and spent two days with Jack, just sitting with him and talking to him, something for which I am eternally grateful. I don't remember the exact date, it was late December I think.... I know it was towards the end, when we all knew Jack was not doing well, even if none of us wanted to say what we knew was coming.
Under the one of him sleeping, she had written "Good night mom and dad".
Good night, my sweet Jack.
I miss you.