Monday, April 21, 2008

Good night

Sometimes it just hits you from out of the blue....

Sunday morning I was trying to send my sister-in-law a picture I had taken on my cellphone of Katie enjoying her sweet potatoes, but my cell kept giving me a message that my picture inbox was full, or something along those lines.

So I went through my inbox, starting way at the beginning, trying to weed out some pictures. At first they were all silly photos PJ had sent me from the firehouse, or pictures I had sent him of our poor cat, from back when he was still the baby of our household. And then, suddenly, it was all pictures of Jack, picture after picture, tons of them.

Many of them I remembered, had downloaded and looked at over and over, but some I had forgotten about. When any of us would go to Philly, we would send whoever was left at home pictures of Jack from our phone. I thought I had every photo of Jack completely memorized, I had looked at them all so much.... finding ones I had forgotten even existed was like finding a treasure, a gift, and yet it felt like it cracked my heart right open all at the same time. All day Sunday, and even today, I couldn't stop thinking about them. I felt so sad, I really just wanted to crawl into bed and hold Jack's soft blue blanket I sleep with at night, and cry. And cry and cry and cry.

Two of them in particular I don't think I'd seen since the day they were sent to me.... my aunt had gone down to Philly and spent two days with Jack, just sitting with him and talking to him, something for which I am eternally grateful. I don't remember the exact date, it was late December I think.... I know it was towards the end, when we all knew Jack was not doing well, even if none of us wanted to say what we knew was coming.



Under the one of him sleeping, she had written "Good night mom and dad".

Good night, my sweet Jack.


I miss you.

30 comments:

Hyperfertile Infertile said...

Aw, that face. Those big beautiful eyes will get you every time. Hugs.

My name is Tammie said...

Tears. Good night sweet Jack.

Erin said...

You are so strong, your words inspire me, please know that.

The Sanchez Family said...

I found your blog through another one that I read. My heart goes out to you and your family. You are in my prayers. I love the pictures of the girls, they are growing so big. They are blesses to have such a great brother in Heaven watching over them.

Anonymous said...

My heart hurts for you. Your sweet little boy won't be forgotten. Wish I could help your pain to ease up a bit.
Thinking of you.
--A Mom in Jacksonville, FL

the schirano triplets said...

tears are falling... i am sending hugs and prayers your way. good night baby jack.

Millicent said...

Oh sweet, sweet Jack. I do not have the words. Good night does not seem enough...

Megan, I had a story I wanted to share with you and had wondered when I should. It happened about a week ago. And I kind of forgot about it until now. Anyway, I told you in a comment to one of your posts a little while ago, about Harry. Harry is my friend's child who is now living with us. One of the big reasons I decided to help Harry was because of Jack. His mother had decided she couldn't deal with him anymore and was going to hand him over to child welfare to be put into foster care. I just didn't feel I could let that happen to him.

I know you wanted to use Jack's legacy to help other children. So it seemed fitting we should help in whatever ways we could. So helping Harry seemed a way we could help keep Jack's legacy alive.

Harry has known us most of his life. He is 9 now. But for much of that time we have lived in another state, so we didn't get to see him (or his brothers and sisters and mother) all that often. Deciding to help him was no easy decision. Well it shouldn't have been. But I just 'knew'.

I won't say things haven't been tough. We have 4 children of our own. Jessica is 7, Caleb is 5, Mia is almost 3, and Paige is 7 months. It has been a pretty big adjustment. Harry has been a handful at times (understandably). I have him seeing the school physc. It looks like he has PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and I am starting to think he has an attachment disorder too.

These are some pretty hard things to deal with and overcome. And I was feeling very overwhelmed. I wondered if I had the strength to help him. If we had made the right decision for our family. I thought maybe I had been selfish in wanting to help Harry only to make things worse.

But something amazing (and the reason for this awefuly long winded comment) happened. I was on the phone waiting to talk to an on-duty physc at a children's mental health clinic. I was trying to find some help for Harry and for us. So we could decide which direction we needed to take. The one hold music was from a radio station. I am sure you can guess the song that started playing as soon as I was out on hold. It was "No One".

I had been feeling so over whelmed and so helpless. In a split second I got some hope. I truly believe that was Jack. I was so close to giving up. It was like he was saying it would be ok. I had prayed the night before for a sign. I had hoped it would come to me in a dream. But instead I got the one hold music. It was better than a dream.

So Megan I cannot thank you enough for sharing your story. I cannot really explain in words adequately what it is that drew me to your story. But I believe I was sent here for a reason. I also believe Jack was here to teach us a lesson. And I think God chose you to be his Mom for a reason too. Jack is already helping children. Harry is a testament to that. Anytime I am feeling helpless, I know I will remember that phone call and being on hold. And I know everything will be alright...

Emily said...

Oh Megan...my heart fills with sadness for you and your family. Sweet Jack ~ your guardian angel in heaven above. Sleep well sweet boy...

Lisa said...

Aw, Megan, hugs to you. I think I was with you when your Aunt was heading down to spend that time with Jack and I remember how touched you were that she was doing that. You have some very special people in your life and one very special little boy looking down on all of you.

Noah&Zach'sMom said...

Such a sweet baby boy.

Anonymous said...

Tears are falling down my face. Maybe this was Jack's way of letting you know he is always with you.

Jessica B said...

He is so beautiful, Megan. Just like his Mama.

Gillian said...

Megan.. you continue to be one of the strongest and most amazing people I've ever "known".. those pictures broke MY heart..

I think of Jack often.. please know that.

Katie M said...

Such a sweet, precious face.

Barbara Manatee said...

Such a handsome little guy. Thank you for sharing his story and life with us. He is a very special little guy!

irongirl said...

That sweet boy. I love the pics. He looks so peaceful in his green sleeper. HUGS. Baby Jack, you are loved!

saucysarie said...

I sit and read your posts and I cry for you. I cry for your sweet, sweet Jack. He looks so precious in those pictures. Every night when I write my blog, I think of you and your family. And I think of little Jack.... my heart goes out to you and your family and I pray for you every night when I get through reading. Hugs.

Anonymous said...

I found your blog when someone posted it on the Nest. These most recent pictures of Jack are so sweet. You and your husband have been through so much; your story is inspiring to so many. Take care.

DIY Bridezilla said...

I am so touched by your posts. My heart goes out to you. I can not look at a picture of your sweet Jack without crying, as I am right now.
My prayers and wishes to you and your family.
Goodnight, sweet Jack.

Patyrish said...

As always when I read your blog, I have tears and chills. Looking at sweet Jack again made me smile and cry at the same time. I can't imagine your pain, how much you miss him and how you must wish for just one more moment with your sweet boy.

You are strong beyond measure and you inspire me.

You are missed little Jack.

Allison&Jeff (Nest) said...

Thank you for sharing this. Reading your blog makes me thankful for my children. I think about you and your family all the time.

Busted said...

Those pictures are so gorgeous. We all miss Jack - he touched so many. Big (((HUGS)).

Nicole Elerson said...

My tears fall freely for you. You are in my prayers

Amanda said...

At work the other day, a patient's little girl came to visit her and she brought her mom a balloon. It was a big butterfly one, just like the picture you posted after the CHoP memorial. My first thought "Jack's butterfly balloon!". He really is everywhere. I don't even know you but my heart aches for you.

Lotta said...

Oh such heartache my friend. What a loss. Hugs for you.

Lotta

Rolyndia said...

My heart goes out to you every time I look at your blog. It brings back memories of my three at the hospital and how it just broke my heart. Bless you and your family.

Anonymous said...

Lots of tears....good night Jack...

nestie melissaandeddie said...

Again, as always, I am touched by your entries and still think of you and Jack every day. Those pictures are too precious, he looks so peaceful and I love his tiny little hand. God bless you and take care!

Amber said...

Beautiful pictures and such a sweet post.

susanc said...

Hi, you don't know me but I found your blog and just wanted to say that your story has touched me so very much. My sister lost a little girl not long after her birth (10 weeks actually) and even though she wasn't my baby I had a real insight into that heartache. I still do, seven years on.
I have had a rough time lately and wanted to tell you that through your blog I heard that song...it just keeps going round and round in my head that 'everythings gonna be alright'... I just wanted to say thankyou :)