Friday, February 1, 2008

Month

Jack's been gone a month. It seems much, much longer. It feels like forever since that day, forever since I last saw him, held him. It feels like an eternity already.

Every night I stand on our backsteps and talk to Jack. There's one star that I like to think is him.... it's almost always there, no matter the weather, this one little star is always visible. It's not the biggest or the brightest, but it's the one that looks the most like it's watching over our house. I stand on our steps and talk to Jack, up in the sky. Tell him about our day, about his sisters, tell him how much I miss him, love him, and blow him a kiss goodnight. It makes me feel better, better to think he's a twinkly star in the sky than he's laying in the ground.

On January 2nd, Jack's last day, they had PJ and I go into a private room while they got Jack ready and took out his vent. When they brought him in to us, his little face had a citrus smell to it - PJ said he thinks it was what they used to get the tape off his face, that had been stuck on there for months.

That night after we got home, I kept smelling oranges. I would look around and try to figure out where it was coming from..... was it a candle, a cleaning fluid? Then I'd realize, it was the same smell that had been on Jack that morning. It happened a few times over the next week. I felt like it was Jack telling us, he had come home too.

When we visit him at the cemetary, I never say goodbye. I always say, see you at home Jack. And I always do.

This song was our song, mine and Jack's. The very first time I heard it, it touched me so much. I put it onto Jack's little music box, and it played over and over again for him, and I would whisper to him, this is our song Jack..... it's still our song, though it hurts a little to listen to it now. This is for Jack. I just want him close, where he can stay forever.......

39 comments:

Hyperfertile Infertile said...

The adhesive remover smells like oranges... that is one thing I learned during my hospital stay. It's kind of a nice scent, isn't it, as hospital scents go? I think it would be a nice scent to remember during those last moments.

I think of you and Jack a lot as I hold my girls. I can't imagine what you're going through right now. Having two babies that bring so much joy, but also mourning Jack's loss. I'm sure that he is with you in whatever way he can be.

Millicent said...

It's funny you know, when ever I get a sudden, out of the blue urge to check your blog... There is a new entry. I like think it could be Jack, reminding me I need to check on you. And take some time to remember how lucky I am. Hug my kids tighter and just be thankful for all I have.

I agree citrus is a nice scent. One of my favorites. What a nice feeling it must be to know he is close by. What sweet boy he is...

Anonymous said...

I don't know why Megan, but this post made me more emotional than any you've written. I think Jack will be sending you lots of reminders for a very long time.

Linda

Collins Family said...

I love the song and it is perfect for such a perfect little boy!

Anonymous said...

Jack is with you - I'm confident of that. You continue to amaze me with your strength and your spirit. Sending ((hugs)) to your family, Megan.

Anonymous said...

I hear that song almost everday and have never listened to the words. I don't think I will ever not "hear" them again and not think of your sweet angel in heaven. He is looking down on you and your family Megan, and all those litle things, the oranges, the star and that song are his way of reminding you of that. My thoughts are with you.

Sarah said...

That song is absolutely perfect for you and Jack. And I am sure that star is Jack shining down on you. He probably knows you worry and he just wants you to know he is there, as the perfect little star he is. Won't it be great when several years from now you will catch a smell of citrus and immediately be able to remember his sweet little face. You continue to be in my thoughts.

velmadinkley said...

They say that the sense of smell can trigger memories for a lifetime. What a blessing! Your strength continues to inspire me. Thank you for the memories and honesty you keep sharing with all of us!
--A Mom in Jacksonville, FL

Anonymous said...

Megan, This post was so incredibly touching. You and Jack are in my thoughts and prayers. The song couldn't be more appropriate.

-Loren

Alicia said...

its so wonderful that you still have a wonderful relationship with Jack. Im still not there. In some ways i thought wow it's been a month and then like you said. I can't tell if time is my friend or enemy. It's how we judge time... every picture i see is dated before and after my dad, it's been x days, x months. We are going through or firsts. Then it's the more time that goes by, the more the outside world thinks your pain should ease. it's been just over 3 months since my dad died and i still miss him as much today than i did the night he left me. The only difference is then it was normal, expected even for me to be sad and frankly be lost. But 3 months later, i am still that way. I feel like I just have to hide it more and it's so hard. I have to remember that I am still here and i have to keep making him proud. I am sending you a big hug. Keep taking it day and if i can be of any help please let me know.

Anonymous said...

When the rain is pouring down
And my heart is hurting
You will always be around
This I know for certain

You and me together
Through the days and nights

I don’t worry cuz
Everythings gonna be alright
People keep talking
They can say what they like
But all I know is everything’s gonna be alright....

Just keep singing it Megan...

Rachel said...

Megan, your strength amazes me. I am sure that star is Jack watching down over your family. Surely he is with you each day, trying his best to comfort you. I love that song!

Jessica said...

It's funny, I read your blog before I left the house this morning, and as soon as I got into the car, that song came on. I literally said, Whoa.

It's sort of weird and special I think...that even though I might not have met Jack..I still think of him, almost daily. Is that weird? He is such a special baby Megan...he touches so many people still.

sldnic said...

It is funny, I read in one of the other comments that when ever she gets an urge to check out your blog there is a new entry. It is the same exact thing for me. I think about you and your family all the time. My heart just aches for your family. I am sure that Jack will be sending you little messages from heaven letting you know that he is okay. He will be your own personal angel in the sky always looking after you and your family. Please know that you have a lot of people thinking of you constantly and wishing you peace and happiness.

Anonymous said...

The day Jack passed I was reading this book to my daughter and it reminded me so much of Jack I wanted to send it to you but I didn't want to intrude or didn't know if it would be of any comfort. After this entry, I realize this book is perfect. It's about a little star that goes to visit this little girl and the little girl loves the star so much that she doesn't want to let it go. However after time she realizes that the star belongs in the sky where it can shine so brightly and she lets him be free into the night sky, knowing that the little star will always be with her and he is safe and happy where he is. And she can always looks up to the sky if she wants to talk to him or see him.

http://www.amazon.com/Lauras-Star-Klaus-Baumgart/dp/1589253744

Brian & Debbie said...

It's funny what you say about smelling that smell at home. After my Mom died I would sometimes smell white rain hairspray (it was all she ever used). Sometimes it was so strong and overwhelming. Seven years later, every once in a while, out of the blue that smell comes back. I like to think it's her visiting.

I hope you get to experience Jack's citrus smell often. There's an odd comfort that comes from it.

Anonymous said...

Continuing to pray for you all...

Lesley (vedahanks) said...

I love that song. The words are perfect. Listening to it now with new meaning made my eyes fill up.

Carrie said...

I know this souunds weird and you will think I am crazy but... my two and a half year old daughter walks around and sings that song and I have no idea where she ever heard it from. I think maybe she knows Jack the way I feel like I know you.

Amanda said...

I think that star is Jack- and I think that he waits all day to have his mom come outside and talk to him and then kiss him goodnight. The adhesive remover does smell like oranges, but I bet when Jack is thinking of you, he sends that scent so you think about him. I really believe he is with you, happy to be home, excited to see his room, and watching his sisters grow.

Davezwife said...

Megan,
I still think of lil' Jack often, and tell his story when ever I can.
In regards to picking a child for the donation money - has anyone pointed out CaringBridge.org yet? I would imagine so, but you can find alot of kids fighting a good fight on there, and most have friends listed in their "links" tab that leads to more and more kids that need some help in some ways. There might even be a way CaringBridge can help directly.

Second, your writing is AMAZING.
Every single time I sit down to read your stories, I am impressed a great deal with how you can take an idea, and form it into a nice story. You don't junk it up with rambling sentances and pointless points (um, like I do...lol) and it's nice to read what you write.
Think about that down the road. Perhaps there's something you can do with your talent!

Kristie said...

I second what the last reader said. I am sitting here bawling because your last entry touched me so much. Jack was indeed a special baby, and believe me you are an inspiration to so many people, especially women you don't even know. I think you should consider compiling these entries into a book, as hard as it will be. Probably the last thing on your mind right now, but as she said something for the future. All the best to you.

Patyrish said...

Wow Megan, THAT IS MY SONG TO MAKILY! I sing it to her all the time and it makes me cry. It's such an amazing song. You should do a montage of pictures of sweet Jack to it.

I believe with all my heart that Jack is still with you. He always will be. Continue talking to him, he hears you and knows how much his mommy loves and misses him.

Anonymous said...

I will think of Jack when I hear that song...

Today my Toddler daughter(her name is Megan too) was sitting on my lap while I read your blog. She pointed to Jacks picture and said "baby"...I told her that's baby Jack....she said "cute Jack".

He has admirers everywhere

Cristy (CT Nestie)

Diana said...

That is so wonderful that you can pinpoint his star watching over your family. It's a beautiful way for him to show himself to you.

leona said...

I love that song also. It is such a beautiful song for you and Jack.

Harris Boys said...

I heard that song on the radio the other day while I was driving in the car with my boys and I just started crying and thinking of you and your family. I think about you often and wonder how lil jack is doing in heaven. Megan you are so strong and I give you so much credit for being so strong for your girls. Take care. I'm praying for you and your family.

Lotta said...

You're giving me chills over here. If I can feel that big giant heart of yours all the way over here. I have no doubt Jack is basking in it.

Allison said...

I truly believe that our loved ones send us little signs to let us know they are always with us. When I was pg with Olivia a pink rose blossomed right in from of my kitchen window, in the middle of the grass, nowhere near where any other flowers. My Dad's favorite flowers were roses and I know the pink was for my baby girl. I'm so glad you have been finding signs...baby Jack is always going to be with you. God bless.

Joy said...

Your strength and incredible honesty amazes me. I can only imagine how difficult this has been for you and your family and I think and pray for all of you often. I know Jack is with you and knows he is loved. The song is amazing...

Renee said...

what a beautiful song for a beautiful baby boy! i don't know you, but i've been following your blog for a while since i came across it on the nest. you are such an amazingly strong woman and mother. i have no doubt jack is with you.

Lisa said...

I love your writing and the way you express your love for Jack. Your entries always make me teary and this one was right there with them. Just knowing that you go and talk to him every night is so sweet.
Take care and I am thinking of you and your family.

~Lisa~
(CT Nestie)

Anne said...

I have been praying for your family for months. I was thinking of your concern about the general population thinking you are the mother of twins, and how to answer that. My husband gave me a sterling silver bracelet for Christmas that has our three childrens names on it. I thought that maybe you could have something like this that you can wear all the time with your babies names on it. I thought about ordering it and sending it to you, but thought that seemed too personal from someone you do not know, but check out the website. You can even get little ones for the girls. God bless you.
http://www.pinkpapillon.com/product_info.php?products_id=184&osCsid=dfe36a48cd0bc90494a845c720371f36

carmeng said...

I continue to think about you and Jack.

Anonymous said...

I sat and listenend to that song so many times but today when I played I just bawled. The words are so powerful and I guess it just hit me. Jack will always be with you and he will let you know he's around in his own special ways.

Kathy from the Yahoo Board.

Anonymous said...

I think about Jack all the time...and now that song will also remind me of Jack and how special he is...I sing "twinkle, twinkle little star" to my little boy and it calms him down...I like the idea of thinking that Jack is that star...I'm rambling but I want you to know how special Jack is to someone who never even met him...thank you for your entries...

Anonymous said...

Megan,

I haven't posted before, but I have been reading your blog for months. Your love for Jack and your girls is beautiful and amazing. I get teary every time I read one of your posts and this one really got to me. Jack has had an effect on so many people and I thank you for sharing him with us. Also, your writing is truly great. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

nestie melissaandeddie said...

You don't know me, but I've been reading your blog since I heard about you from the nesties. I've been moved by your story and by Jack and I think about him every single day. Jack has made me a better mom, bc I appreciate every little moment more now. He touched my life in his short but enormously important time here. If every mother who reads your blog and has heard about Jack gives their child one extra kiss or hug before they go to sleep at night (and Im positive they do) then Jack has generated and been responsible for creating more love and affection throughout the world than most of us will in 50 years. That is quite the accomplishment and you should be so proud of him for that. Any person who spreads love by simply being who they were was an exceptional, exceptional person.

Becky said...

I love this song. Now it will mean even more because I can think of Jack and say a little prayer for all of you whenever I hear it...

I first read this post a few days ago and I played the song- I picked up my 7-month-old, Jonah and we danced around and I thought of Jack. Maybe it sounds crazy but I swear despite never having met Jack, I feel a strong connection with him because of your amazing story and the candor with which you have shared yourself with all of us since that first post on this blog. Jonah was giggling like crazy as we danced around and I had tears in my eyes but still felt a sense of joy that Jack was watching us, watching all of you and all the many people his life has touched. He is truly an angel and I feel privileged to have shared in some very small way in his journey from eternity into the world and then back again to God's waiting hands... Thank you for sharing this song with us.

Praying for you and your family, as always...

Becky