Jack's been gone a month. It seems much, much longer. It feels like forever since that day, forever since I last saw him, held him. It feels like an eternity already.
Every night I stand on our backsteps and talk to Jack. There's one star that I like to think is him.... it's almost always there, no matter the weather, this one little star is always visible. It's not the biggest or the brightest, but it's the one that looks the most like it's watching over our house. I stand on our steps and talk to Jack, up in the sky. Tell him about our day, about his sisters, tell him how much I miss him, love him, and blow him a kiss goodnight. It makes me feel better, better to think he's a twinkly star in the sky than he's laying in the ground.
On January 2nd, Jack's last day, they had PJ and I go into a private room while they got Jack ready and took out his vent. When they brought him in to us, his little face had a citrus smell to it - PJ said he thinks it was what they used to get the tape off his face, that had been stuck on there for months.
That night after we got home, I kept smelling oranges. I would look around and try to figure out where it was coming from..... was it a candle, a cleaning fluid? Then I'd realize, it was the same smell that had been on Jack that morning. It happened a few times over the next week. I felt like it was Jack telling us, he had come home too.
When we visit him at the cemetary, I never say goodbye. I always say, see you at home Jack. And I always do.
This song was our song, mine and Jack's. The very first time I heard it, it touched me so much. I put it onto Jack's little music box, and it played over and over again for him, and I would whisper to him, this is our song Jack..... it's still our song, though it hurts a little to listen to it now. This is for Jack. I just want him close, where he can stay forever.......