Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Had a Bad Day

Tuesday was a bad, bad day. I seriously had a few moments where I felt like, I can't do this. Find a daycare, I'm going back to work, because this is just too hard.

People always ask me, what do you do when both babies cry, and I jokingly answer, I cry too. Tuesday, that's what I did. I didn't know what else to do, and felt so awful that I just could not calm Charlotte down and keep Katie happy at the same time, that I sat and held them and we all cried. I'd say for close to an hour.

I'm still not sure what Charlotte's problem was, she's been very cranky since Monday night (though today she was a little better). She wanted NO PART of any item on the Fun Circuit, not even the new Jumperoo, and Katie wasn't much happier.

When it got really bad, I had to step outside for a minute. I left my two sobbing girls and stood on the backstep and cried. I said, Jack, please help us. I hate to ask you for things but please, help us today. Help us get through this grey, rainy, terrible afternoon.

And soon after that, Katie fell asleep, and I was able to concentrate on getting Charlotte calmed and we were back to okay.

Monday morning I went to a Mass that was said for Jack at Seton Hall Prep. It was really nice, but it sort of started me on a few days of really really missing him again, thinking about him constantly, going over everything that happened.

My Jack, my boy, I miss him so much. I might have handled everything better on Tuesday afternoon if I hadn't already been feeling sort of down. When I stood on the step talking to him, the weight on my heart of him not being here was so heavy.

Then that night we got a UPS package and inside was the most amazing gift.

My sister in law had given a donation to an organization that rescues dogs. They had done a 'run' with that money in honor of Jack. In the UPS package was a beautiful photo album they sent us with pictures of the sweetest little puppy... and this is what was written inside....

"Dear Megan and PJ,

In honor of a recent donation made to our organization in loving memory of Jackson Malia we have named a puppy pulled for rescue Jackson. We hope you enjoy the following photos of the puppy Jackson taken shortly after his arrival.

Here is his story....

Little Jackson and two of his litter mates were pulled for rescue on January 12th 2007. Jackson and 21 other puppies were transported to 4 Paws Animal Hospital in Georgia. There they were vetted, fed, loved and prepared for transport to NJ.

Jackson and 17 others arrived in NJ on February 10th. They were greeted by about fifteen 11th Hour volunteers. These 17 lost souls started their new lives that day.

Jackson was by far the cutest. He was a 15 pound puffball and he was FEARLESS. Shortly after he was pulled from the transport van he started romping around with all the other dogs. He took to Mack immediately, Mack was a 75 pound Great Dane mix.

Jackson was adopted 3 hours after he arrived in New Jersey by (I won't post their name). They were touched and honored by the story of how Jackson got his name. They vowed never to change it stating "Jackson's name will live with us forever as will his memory."

Here he is.... "

I opened that album, looked at the pictures and just sobbed. Thank you Jack. You fill my heart up every day without even being here.


ccdean said...

I have had a couple of those days where the girls and I just sit on the couch and cry it out. I hate that I can't make them all happy at once. Know you are not alone!!

Casey's trio said...

Sending you positive thoughts and hugs. What a beautiful story about the donation in Jack's memory. Thanks for sharing. It's amazing how God needed a pick me up and it was there! I still have days where I want to sit and cry because I am frustrated with are not alone. You are doing an amazing job.

Blessings to you all!

Anonymous said...

I thought about you and your family a lot this week. I don't know why but I kept pulling up your blog, almost as if I felt I needed to check on you.

I am glad that you made it through your bad day. I know it can be terribly hard, and missing your beautiful boy is unbearable. I guess I just wanted to tell you that you and yours are not very far from my thoughts or my prayers.

Anonymous said...

My girls are 5 months and 2 years and I STILL have days where we all cry...hang in there-you are doing a great job !

Jessica B said...

That is a wonderful story about the puppy, Jack continues to affect people!!
You are doing a wonderful job as a mother--babies cry, you just have it twice as loud---pretty soon you wil have to deal with pink hair, loud stereos, gum snapping belligerent teenagers who want to date at 13, lol. Then the days of the jumperoo will be missed..haha!

I hope that you can get some happier days in the next few weeks....soon the girls will be giggling and laughing hysterically at you guys!

Anonymous said...

Your post made me teary-eyed. The puppy story is touching! I have a 4 month old as well and there are days where it just is so hard. But I get through it and you will too!

Anonymous said...

I also feel a connection to you and check in on you every day. We all have bad days and the girls just decided to have a bad day on the same day. Just think of your precious Jack and he will bring a smile to your face. That little puppy "JACKSON" is a luck little pup and I am sure that family will love him forever as you and your husband love Jack. God bless you and and your family.

Rachel said...

Thank you for sharing! I love the story about the puppy Jackson. He's so cute. You are a wonderful mommy! Some days you just have to step outside for a few minutes to refresh and go at it again. The girls are adorable!

Sommer said...

Being a mom to one is hard enough.. but to two of them at the same time.. same age is extremely hard. You have to take it day by day. You know you can do this...this part is the easy part for you.

The dog,, how freaking cute and how unbelievable sweet that is! Youre going to be getting gifts like that forever.. I love it!

the schirano triplets said...

Oh how I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain...maybe hold your heart on those days it feels heavy and carry it around for a while so you feel lighter. The story about the puppy is moving, far beyond words, and it is just incredible that Jack continues to live on in so many lives. His little heart has touched the world.

We all have days like that, where we just sit down and cry right alongside the babies. It is so difficult when you just can't seem to make anyone happy. Just know that you are doing a fantastic job and that those babies have the best mommy in the whole world!

I just want you to know that I continue to keep you and your family in my prayers. If you ever need anything...even just to vent, please let me know!

Anonymous said...

Hang in there everything will get better. And that story made me tear up, it's very touching.

~Liz from MI

leona said...

The story of Jackson the puppy was beautiful! I was just thinking about you yesterday and how it is taking care of twins. I sometimes get overwhelmed with one baby....having two and taking of them by yourself has to have days that are just unbearable. You're doing a great job!

Gillian said...

Thank you so much for sharing the story of the puppy donation. How beautiful is that? Jack is always around.. I'm glad to asked for his help, just as I'm sure he was glad to offer you a little peace.. there are days that are always tougher than most.. some days babies just cry and there's no telling why. It's so easy to lose it, but we ALL go through it.. you are a WONDERFUL mother; don't ever second-guess yourself..

Anonymous said...

Your post both made me tear up and gave me chills...God works in many mysterious ways. Thank you for your honesty.

LH from Bmore

Ali & Dave said...

What a great story about Jackson the dog. I'm sobbing reading this.....

I pray for you, PJ and the girls every day.


Elizabeth said...

Megan: Your story was brought to my attention by a mutual friend M.C. I wanted to tell you that your honesty and strength inspire me everyday! I think you are a wonderful Mother and that you are doing a fantastic job with your beautiful babies. Jack’s story is something that will be with me always; he’s made such a profound impact on my life, it’s made me a better person just by knowing Jack through your words…. I want to thank you for that…….Know that your family is always in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Please know that you are not alone! We ALL have "those moments" and those that say they don't are.. well.. full of it!It is a difficult age, adorable, but none the less hard. My eyes would literally roll in the back of my head everytime someone would say "this too shall pass",not what ya want to hear when your stuck in it..but it does! You also have to learn to make time for yourself. Easier said than done, believe me I know. But "you time" is just as important! When Momma's happy, the whole house is happy! Especially because you are a stay at home mom(SAHM)like me, adult/alone time is a requirement.Go for a walk, get your nails done, go for a tea, join a group. You get it. Signing is also fun to do with your girls, there are lots of online sites too to help. Most importantly, enjoy the moments..tears and all!

Ontario, Canada

Megan said...

What a beautiful story about Jackson! Just thinking of you and praying for you.
I wonder if somehow along the way we may be related. My great-grandmother's maiden name was Malia and she was from NJ/PA area.
Anyway, sending your prayers!

Alicia Gould Photography said...

Megan, That is SUCH a sweet story!!!!!!

CRS said...

What a special way for Jack's memory to live on--he touches yet another family!

Just keep plugging with those girls!!


Marie said...

that story is just fantastic. i love it. im so glad he's still living on.

hang in there....and hell i have bad days with my friend are my hero.


Sandy said...

Megan what a beautiful story about Jack. I have tears in my eyes.
Also about the girls being Cranky, i went through the same thing this past weekend and couldn't figure out what was wrong with Dylon. Glad they are feeling better.

pam said...

that puppy story made me tear up. what a sweet, amazing donation. and i'm not even a dog person!

it's so hard when they're crying at the same time. i know. i cry too. sometimes, it's all you can do.

Grandmother in SC said...

Hi Megan!
My heart just breaks for you...the loss of Jack will never go away and it is just too soon to think otherwise.
How brave you and your hubby are, but when you became a Mommy, you moved to 2nd place with a huge,lifelong job ahead. Those little girls are such a blessing and need you.
Don't take each day for granted as they will be off and going to school before you know it. I am sure this sounds like it will never happen to you, but it will be here before you know it.
You have a huge burden to carry with the loss of Jack. YOU cannot do it all yourself, so stop trying. Ask for help.... it is OK to do that...
Family, friends, and good health are what this life is all about.
I am not dismissing how you are is normal. God and Jack are with you 24/7.

Anonymous said...

What a beautiful reminder that though he isn't here for you to see and hold everydayk Jack IS with you! Hang in there...and I agree with "grandmother in sc..." seeking help does NOT mean you are weak. It means you are taking care of YOU so that you can continue to care for those beautiful girls and sweet hubby.
Continuing to pray for you and the family.
--A Mom in Jacksonville, FL

Catherine said...

That is a beautiful story Megan.

Catherine (cat429)

Linda said...

I've found that 'crying time' seems to move MUCH slower than regular time. lol When all three of us are crying it seems like time slows to a crawl. Hope you're having a better week now Megan.
Thanks for sharing another beautiful story!

Patyrish said...

I don't have multiples but Makily was a marathon crier. 7-8 hours straight . NOTHING would soothe her. Part of it was "neuro" crying and the other part was that she had so many stomach malformations we didnt know about. I remember being so sleep deprived the floor looked like it was moving. I can't imagine having two babies at once. I had to walk away several times myself and go throw hangers. For some reason this made me feel better...sounds insane but you should try it. LOLOL

I love the story about the puppy named Jackson. HOW BEAUTIFUL and I REALLY love that they sent you pictures and told you all about it.
That really made me smile.

Jean said...

I think about your family frequently. Your story is so touching and I feel it in the pit of my stomach. I can't imagine how you're coping now. But it sounds like God, friends and family have really been there for you.
Raising two beautiful little girls while trying to grieve is something more emotionally and physically exhausting than I can ever imagine.
Its o.k. to cry. Its o.k. to walk away. Its o.k. to lay them in their cribs and let them cry. Sometimes there is no answer. I got some great advice from a NICU nurse who raised a toddler and a set of twins. She told me it was o.k. to cry and she'd take her kids out for a walk when she needed a good cry. I swear by this... and my kids always stop crying by the time I get them in their strollers. :) Other people have said it so beautifully, but I wish I could carry some of your sorrow for you.

Hyperfertile Infertile said...

That is the sweetest thing, naming that puppy after Jack. Today, I gave to a radiothon for Children's that I give to every year, but this time my donation was made in honor of Jack. Every day, he is remembered in little ways.

As for the cranky Charlottes, we might as well start a club. I suggest that meetings include a pitcher of margaritas, and I don't care if they are at noon!

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you had a bad day. It'll get better as they get a little older. Its hard when they can't tell you whats wrong. I hope the girls are helping your heart heal. Stay strong.

My name is Tammie said...

I am in such tears from that beautiful little puppy! Such a cutie! I love that story.

I also doubt you are the only mom to sit with her kids and cry with them. Nor would you be the first to step outside and ask for help. Some day's are just hard.

I remember my mom telling me a story of when I was a baby and crying incessantly. My mom began crying and then got upset that she was crying too and launched Cheerios across the room. Then cried because she had a million little Cheerios to pick up on top of consoling a sobbing child and get a grip herself. It happens to the best of us. I can promise you that my mom is the best mom in the world and I am no worse for the wear.

Keep your head up, you're doing great.

carmeng said...

You're a wonderful mom!! What a great story about the donation in Jack's memory. He continues to touch the lives of others.

What an Angel!

Beth & Steven said...

I've definitely had days like this (I call them my "I QUIT DAYS")! I don't know whether to laugh or cry during these moments (usually I call my mom &/or husband and do both)! The Jackson puppy story is beautiful and very touching.

Anonymous said...'s okay to step away, even if the babies are crying..sometimes a few minutes can make all the difference in the world. It's the toughest job in the world. You are doing a fantastic job!! How wonderful about the special package that arrived just when you needed a pick me up...I think of Jack everyday and your special song. I hear it on the radio everyday and I think of Jack...the first time I cried and have to fight back tears even after I've heard it so many times already. You are amazing!

Anonymous said...

Please know this is normal- if your a mom- lol. My children are 22 months aparttwins and I had many crying days. One day my mother-in- law said it's ok for them to cry, go outside count to 10 and do your best. I know it's even harder for you but it's sounds like your doing a wonderful job. I find there are good weeks, when I think this isn't so bad, I'm so lucky to be home with my kids. Then there are weeks when I envy my friends who are working and are only home with their children for a few hours a night. Hang in there, some say it's good to have a good cry once in a while- must have been a mom!

Anonymous said...

oops- I ment 22 months apart, not twins

Anonymous said...

This entry made me sob right along with you. My heart breaks for you and as a previous post said, I "checked" on you alot this week. I'm so sorry that your grief is unbearable sometimes, but on the same token I admire you for even getting out of bed in the morning.

Jack is with you everyday good ones and bad ones. He will always be with all of us. I think its such a nice tribute, that dog that was resuced and given his name.

Megan, I hope one day I can only be half the mother you are.

Hang in there.
CT Knottie Jenn

Anonymous said...

The story about Jackson the puppy was so sweet and touching. Thank you for sharing it. You and your family continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.


Amber said...

That story about Jackson (the puppy)has me in tears, what an amazing gift your little boy was and continues to be.

Hang in there with the girls, we all have those days where nothing makes them happy. It's those grey and dreary days that make us really appreciate the sunny and happy days.

annie said...

I continue to be moved by the way Jack touches people's (and puppies'!) lives everyday. What a heartwarming story about that puppy!

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry that you have been having a tough week. I do not have children, but I know that you are a wonderful mom. It's ok to cry and ask for help.

The story about the puppy has brought me to tears. It is amazing all the ways that Jack continues to live on and be with you. It's ok to call on him to ask for help.

Amanda said...

Wow-- How great is that? I never thought of the rescue organization, but it is a wonderful idea. Jack continues to touch and enrich people's lives each day :)

Lotta said...

We've all been there. I used to think I was ok, had it together for the day. Then anytime someone would ask "How are you doing?" I would burst into tears. I had to stop answering the phone.

It will get easier. Then harder. Then easier. And so on, because that's the life of a mom.

Anonymous said...

I just came upon your blog tonight (someone had posted it on the nest) and I was so incredibly moved by your story of your dear baby Jack. It is so obvious from your posts and pictures how sweet and brave your baby was, and how very much you love him. My heart breaks for you and your whole family.

I went to bed but could not sleep, crying and thinking about your story, so (although I have never felt compelled to post on anyone's blog before), I felt that I had to tell you how much Jack's short life has truly touched mine, and how I don't think I can or ever will forget him. I pray that you will find strength and peace and I wish nothing but the best for you and your whole family. God's blessings on all of you.

-- Michele in Seattle

Jen said...

You don't know me, as I just found your blog through a friend's blog (baby Madeline)..anyway, I read this post and cried ..
I just want you to know that you, and Jack, are an inspiration. I know that each day must be a struggle..I can not imagine..but his memory certainly lives strong in soo many beautiful ways.