Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Try Again

Katie didn't come home yesterday. She is having too many bradychardia's still (where her heart slows down). She has them when she eats and when she sleeps. So they decided to keep her a little longer.... I think she didn't want to leave Charlotte. Or she realized she was going home with US and decided to start holding her breath.

Her doctor had said she would come home tomorrow but the nurse tonight told us she probably won't, she had too many episodes today (they want 24 hours with no brady's or apnea's). I am sad and I want her to come home, but I'm also okay with it. It was hard to think of Charlotte being there without Katie, and I know it will be much harder on us with a baby at home and two in the hospital.

Katie.... troublemaker. :)

It is seriously starting to look like Charlotte may be the first baby home. She only needs to gain some weight. She eats like a champ, burps, poops, maintains her body temp, NEVER has brady's or apnea episodes. She's so small but so tough. I think now that maybe the girls will come home together, which will be nice, I hate to split them up. Yesterday we held them next to each other, and Charlotte grabbed Katie's hand and held it so tight for a good minute. Of course, it made me cry.

I've been doing a lot of crying lately. I've been holding it together as best I can, but the emotions of all this are starting to get the best of me. I remember the first week after the babies were born, one of the NICU nurses told me that the third week is the hardest. It all seems to come crashing down then, and your hormones hit their peak and you get really tired of the NICU and the doctors and it feels like rock bottom. I thought to myself, first of all my babies will be home by then, and if they're not, I will handle it. You don't know me. I can handle anything.

This morning I told that nurse, you were so right and I didn't believe you.

Jack is our main source of stress right now. He is just NOT doing well and it seems like every day it's something new, and with every doctor it's something new. One doctor tells us he's too lethargic and she wants a neurologist to look him over, another tells us he's too combative and we shouldn't touch him and get him agitated. It's so many things like that - all these little things they're freaking me out with - he should swallow more, he should fight more, he should do this, do that.... now it's not just the breathing and the PDA, it's worries about his brain, his muscles... it could all be nothing, it could all be the PDA is wearing him down (which it is) or it could be more. Could be, might be, who knows. The not knowing is the hardest.

He is tentatively scheduled for surgery Thursday morning to close the PDA in his heart. I pray it goes well, I pray it fixes many of his problems, I pray it helps him breathe. I pray there is nothing worse wrong with him than the PDA and the fact that he's a laid-back little guy, too much like his mom.

I did get to hold him again yesterday. We look beaten down a little. But I was so happy to hold him again, and he never seems as peaceful or content as when he's laying on my chest.


The Hyperfertile Infertile said...

I was wondering if Katie made it home. Sorry to hear she didn't, but it sounds like she and Charlotte will be home soon.

I've never had a baby in the NICU in good shape (you know, the get bigger/regulate temp type situation). My experience was much more like yours has been with Jack. I can honestly say that nothing in my life thus far has been as hard. But, in the end, it does end and you do go home with your little one. These little boys just like to make us sweat!

Leah said...


I really hope the surgery goes well tomorrow. I've been praying that Jack gets better, and hopefully this will be exactly what he needs.

Diana said...

You do look a bit worn down BUT you look like an amazing strong family in the picture. You are doing great!

ccdean said...

Hang in there. I was discharged from the hospital today and had to leave my girl...ughhh!!!!! We live almost 2 hours away from our NICU. I will keep you and your little ones in my prayers. Cry...Cry...Cry...it's ok!

Anonymous said...

I've been praying for Jack, and of course, for all of your family. This has to be difficult for you, but the NJ Nesties have your back.
- Olderwisebride (the 'silent' old lady)

MC said...

I don't know if anyone shared this with you, but in the case of twin-to-twin, it is common for the smaller baby (the "donor") to do better than the bigger baby (the "recipient"). So that would make sense that Charlotte is doing a little better than Katie, even though she is a peanut.

Is Katie going to go home on a monitor? If she is still bradying so much, that should definitely give you some peace of mind!

I will keep praying for Jack and hoping that once his PDA is taken care of, he gets it together. I know a lot of people have mentioned to you about wimpy, white boys, and he is just proving that whole theory correct!

They are, as always, beautiful...

Anonymous said...

Today is actually Thursday and I wanted you and PJ to know that we are praying all goes well with Jack today.
Nest Name: LeighAnn&Vinny

Lesley (vedahanks on The Nest) said...

My thoughts and prayers go out to you all. I hope you can hold all 3 lil' babies whenever you want real soon.

Kandas (Caelenesq from Knot) said...

I just wanted to say that I've been following your journey and that I'm praying for you all.

Kelly said...

My prayers are with you today, and with Jack.