Try Again

Katie didn't come home yesterday. She is having too many bradychardia's still (where her heart slows down). She has them when she eats and when she sleeps. So they decided to keep her a little longer.... I think she didn't want to leave Charlotte. Or she realized she was going home with US and decided to start holding her breath.

Her doctor had said she would come home tomorrow but the nurse tonight told us she probably won't, she had too many episodes today (they want 24 hours with no brady's or apnea's). I am sad and I want her to come home, but I'm also okay with it. It was hard to think of Charlotte being there without Katie, and I know it will be much harder on us with a baby at home and two in the hospital.


Katie.... troublemaker. :)

It is seriously starting to look like Charlotte may be the first baby home. She only needs to gain some weight. She eats like a champ, burps, poops, maintains her body temp, NEVER has brady's or apnea episodes. She's so small but so tough. I think now that maybe the girls will come home together, which will be nice, I hate to split them up. Yesterday we held them next to each other, and Charlotte grabbed Katie's hand and held it so tight for a good minute. Of course, it made me cry.

I've been doing a lot of crying lately. I've been holding it together as best I can, but the emotions of all this are starting to get the best of me. I remember the first week after the babies were born, one of the NICU nurses told me that the third week is the hardest. It all seems to come crashing down then, and your hormones hit their peak and you get really tired of the NICU and the doctors and it feels like rock bottom. I thought to myself, first of all my babies will be home by then, and if they're not, I will handle it. You don't know me. I can handle anything.

This morning I told that nurse, you were so right and I didn't believe you.

Jack is our main source of stress right now. He is just NOT doing well and it seems like every day it's something new, and with every doctor it's something new. One doctor tells us he's too lethargic and she wants a neurologist to look him over, another tells us he's too combative and we shouldn't touch him and get him agitated. It's so many things like that - all these little things they're freaking me out with - he should swallow more, he should fight more, he should do this, do that.... now it's not just the breathing and the PDA, it's worries about his brain, his muscles... it could all be nothing, it could all be the PDA is wearing him down (which it is) or it could be more. Could be, might be, who knows. The not knowing is the hardest.

He is tentatively scheduled for surgery Thursday morning to close the PDA in his heart. I pray it goes well, I pray it fixes many of his problems, I pray it helps him breathe. I pray there is nothing worse wrong with him than the PDA and the fact that he's a laid-back little guy, too much like his mom.

I did get to hold him again yesterday. We look beaten down a little. But I was so happy to hold him again, and he never seems as peaceful or content as when he's laying on my chest.