Thursday, September 17, 2009

Scabs

The Jackson Malia Fund's golf tournament is rapidly approaching. Please, check out his site if you're at all interested in our raffle - we have some great prizes this year. And we really need to sell some tickets!! LOL

I love having this charity because it keeps Jack 'alive' for me in a way. Especially this time of year when I find myself really having to spend some time working on it, I get to talk about Jack so much, think about him. See his picture. Remember him. Remember those three months. And I love it.

And I hate it.

It feels a little bit like it pulls the scab off the wound. It takes it all a little further out of my subconscious, more into my every day, every moment thoughts. It makes the ache stronger, the tears come quicker. It makes me daydream the 'what ifs?'

It makes me remember, and takes me back there.

I love having this charity, and I love what it does. But I miss Jack. I wish he wasn't a fund, or a charity, or a golf tournament, or a raffle.
I wish he was a happy, giggly, crazy two year old boy.



I just miss my Jack.

15 comments:

Ami said...

Such a good mom...I love the ways you keep Jack alive. You are an inspiration to so many...I'm so sorry for your heavy heart.

Stacey said...

We all wish he was here with you, too. But we are also so proud of how you've been traveling this journey and how you are constantly remembering and honoring Jack.

Sarah said...

How very difficult.

I wish Jack was there with you too.

You have an amazing strength.

MrsAmber (The Nest) said...

I wish Jack was here with you too - but in a lot of ways he is! I love that you are keeping his spirit alive through your blog/charity. It is amazing that your sweet boy has touched the lives of so many.

Gillian said...

:-( You're doing so well and the fund is doing such good.. Jack would be so happy about that!

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL said...

Jack and the girls are lucky to have such a wonderful Mommy! I'm sorry he isn't here for you to hug everyday. I admire the way you continue to cherish his memory in so many sweet ways.

hopeful #1 said...

We all miss Jack too!

Anonymous said...

I love that pic of you two. Jack would be so proud of all that you are doing. Hugs.
-Debbie

Molly said...

I'm sorry. I wish that for you too.

Katie said...

I love that picture. I wish more than anything for you that you could be holding him now, in your arms and not just in your heart. Hugs, Megan!

Franco*Filly (Jess) said...

I cant believe it's been 2 years almost!! I wish I could come to the fundraiser...you're a great mom, Megan...

Star said...

The "What Ifs" are a scary place. August was similar for me. I could talk about my deceased husband because it was his birthday and the burial of his ashes and then the 1-yr mark. It was nice to have an excuse to talk so openly with a "reason". I miss those reasons but also it was a bit hurting. It made the grief come back to the surface...

nestie melissaandeddie said...

I still havent forgotten and he is not a charity or fund in our house. He is a little boy who lived and had a purpose and touched our lives. We (my 2 year old son and I )stil pray everyday since he went to heaven that "HE continues to take care of baby Jack"

Sarah said...

I remember reading a post of yours a long time ago (it feels like it was, anyway) where you said all you wanted was someone to say his name. I can't have you hear it, but I wanted you to read that I am thinking of Jack today, too.

Rach De La Rosa said...

I found a poem that is so achingly beautiful and I thought you might enjoy it too. Thank you for sharing Jack with the rest of us too...

"I Couldn't Stay Long"

"You planted me, Lord
In the womb of my mother
and let me know love
unlike that of another.
I couldn't stay long,
but I'll never forget
the way mom and dad
took care of me yet.
Please trust the Lord
and soon you will see,
to some that's a lifetime
that will never be.
God must have loved us
an awful lot
to let our souls touch
though our arms could not.
I have to go now,
But please know I'm okay.
Remember I love you
and I'll see you one day."

- Sue Lueck Carlson