Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Empty Space

I might not write about Jack every time, but Jack is a part of our lives every day.

There are so many things that are "Jack" to me. That make me think of him every time I see them. Jewelry I wear every day. His blue blanket I sleep with at night. Butterflies. Songs on the radio. All of these are pretty obvious.

And then there's some that aren't so obvious to everyone else.

When Jack was in CHoP we made friends with a really sweet woman who worked there. She cleaned the NICU and was there all the time, walking through, picking up, and always stopped to talk. Always had a kind word, a smile, a story about her own family. She loved Jack (and honestly, she really loved PJ... she just thought he was so funny). The day Jack died she was the one person we had paged so we could say goodbye to her before we left.

Her name was Daisy. She talked to me one day for a long time about perfume, how much she loved perfume. I told her there was a shop right near our hotel and the whole window was filled with bottles of the new Marc Jacobs perfume called - Daisy. She said she had seen it and was so excited to try it. I told her the bottles were beautiful, and every day that I walked past the window I thought of her.

A few months after Jack died I was in Sephora and there it was.... the perfume. Daisy. I bought it without even smelling it, brought it home, and have sprayed a tiny bit on every day since. It is "Jack" to me. It's like bringing him with me. Every morning I put it on and say "Come on Jack, let's go. We've got a big day."

And then there's the empty space.

My mom was the one to say it first, I think. That the girls almost never sit right next to each other. You can try and put them next to each other and they instantly wiggle away. They always leave a space in between them, always.

She said it's the spot where Jack sits.

45 comments:

Su-Ann said...

I have never met you, but I have followed your journey. you are an amazing woman, and you have touched my heart. God Bless you as you raise these 2 beautiful girls. God Bless you as you miss Jack everyday.

BreezieGirl said...

I don't always comment, but this entry really touched me... especially the part about the girls sitting apart. God bless you all... Jack is watching you.

Ami said...

I just stumbled upon your blog and read as much as I could until I could no longer see through my own tears. I am a mother of 4 month old triplets myself and cannot imagine the pain of losing one of them. You are an admirable mother and I appreciate the way you still write about precious Jack. I hope you don't mind, but I will continue to follow your story. Our blog is www.bunchbabies.blogspot.com if you should care to stop on by. Thanks again for sharing your story. :) ~Ami

Leslie said...

I've been following your blog since before Jack's death, but have never commented, I don't think. This entry was really touching. I know that the pain will never really go away - but I wish you peace. I have a six-week old son, and I can't even comprehend losing him as you have lost Jack. Your girls are beautiful, and so is Jack.

Big hugs to you and your family; thanks for sharing your journey with the world.

SaraBelle said...

Oh my gosh -- I have goose bumps. What a beautiful, touching entry.

My husband gave me the Daisy perfume for my birthday this year and while I'm not a big scent person, I wear it almsot every day. Now I will think of Jack, too, every time I wear it.

Notwifezilla- Jackie said...

Megan, your entry made me get teary and goosebumpy. It's obvious that the short time Jack had been on earth, his presence has touched so many. I feel blessed to have "known" him through you and your words. Hugs, Jackie

Maria said...

I don't comment much either but I too have been following your story for quite some time. Your mom said it beautifully, and when I look at the picture you posted I can almost see an angelic image of Jack sitting right between his sisters with a huge grin on his face. How precious that your girls make room for him even though he is not physically there. I am sure it will always be that way.

God bless you and your family.

Meg said...

Ah Megan this brought me chills...Jack is always with you and the girls and I love that he is still able to show his love to you every single day. He will never be forgotten.

Sarah said...

I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes and I don't know what to say. That was such a moving post. Yes, that is where Jack sits.

monica said...

You are such an brave and amazing women! The perfume thing is just wonderful...what a way to honor your son!! Love that! This touched me.

Alex, Lauren and AJ Matrale said...

What a nice post - thanks so much for sharing! I love reading your blog - the love you have for your 3 children is really beautiful!

Souza Sisters said...

I have been following your blog for some time now but have never left a comment. This post touched me so much... Your daughters are so beautiful(I have a Charlotte too) and seeing Jacks face everytime I come on your blog makes me smile. I agree with everyone... You are an amazing woman and mother...

Kerri said...

I too have been following you for awhile, but have never commented (I don't think). Anyway, this post brought tears to my eyes. My son was born 6-weeks early and we are SO blessed that his 2-week NICU stay was enough to get him strong and well. I can't imagine how hard it would be to go on without him. Bless you and your family and always remember that Jack IS there with you!

Anonymous said...

Hi Megan -

I follow your blog and even reached out to you once last year. I told you that my son was also at CHOP. I am so glad that you posted this. My husband and I also remember Daisy. She was so nice and such a wonderful person. Always trying to make you laugh even at our darkest days there. She would always check on us and check on Nicholas too. We just passed our year anniversary of losing Nicholas and this brought a little smile to my face remembering her.

Your girls are beautiful and there is no doubt that space is reserved for Jack...always. Darla

Lisa said...

Beautiful.

Star said...

For me its the weird little things that signal a grief moment to me. Things I never expect or suspect. But they happen and I have to fight back some tears.

Michelle said...

I read your blog,I think I have left comments before. I don't know you and don't think we have anything in common. I just want to tell you that this was a very touching post. You're just precious and so are your babies! God bless you!

Jodi said...

I have been following your blog ever since my twin boys were born in January 2008. I came across your blog through another multiple mom/friend's blog. My twin pregnancy had started as triplet pregnancy so I was always wanting to relate to what I would have been experiencing had I delivered all 3. I also have a daughter who is 2 years older than the boys were. Anyway... the first time I read your blog... I cried out loud. For days. I mourned for you and for your loss of sweet baby, Jack. I was absolutely amazed at how eloquently you were able to communicate your feelings and dealing with grief. I was amazed by your strength in a time I'm sure you felt you had none.

Anyway, now I can unfortunately relate to you on a whole new tragic level. I lost one of my twin boys on July 5th. He died in his sleep. We do not yet know the cause or why... and that is very, very hard.

I find myself wondering how you make it day to day... how you get up in the morning, how you eat, etc. All those things that the world continues to do... and I just can't seem to figure out quite yet.

Obviously... you are much further ahead of me in your healing process. But, I am so glad to read your Jack posts. I am so scared right now of not knowing what the future holds... how much I will forget about the memories I have with my son, Matteo, etc.

It's so, SO hard. And, well... I just wanted to tell you I admire you a lot. You don't know me... I don't know you... but here we somehow share this tragic, common thread. As we do with many other mom's. Unfortunately.

Anyway, please keep writing. You are a beautiful writer. You have shown me that you can still enjoy life after loss and that you don't forget. I thank you for that. You are good medicine for many people who are new to loss.

I wish the best for you and your family.

Big hugs,
Jodi

Erin said...

I haven't been reading for very long but I just thought this was a beautiful post. Bless you and your family!

Amanda said...

Megan, I am sure Jack is with you every day and I know he is with is sisters too. You are amazing

Anonymous said...

I know you and your family Megan...and that is a blessing to me. I read your blog since I am so far away and it keeps me close to you and your sweet babies. Megan-I am crying-of joy and saddness over your last post of space. I love that the space is actually filled not empty-just like your heart will always be-just like you are to all of us as jack is to all of us! I MISS YOU MEGAN! You are such and your family are a blessing to this life/world. Thank you for sharing it with all of us. You are all in my hearts and thoughts always....xoxoxo....Jenni

Joy said...

What a beautiful post, Megan. And, the picture says it all...your girls miss Jack so much too and they know he is with them. I'm so glad you write about him and let those of us who don't know you share a part in what an amazing little boy he was.

Christa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Christa said...

So beautiful Megan! This entry made me teary and I had goosebumps when I saw the picture. It's so perfect that K and C leave a space for their sweet brother.

Mae said...

This entry really touched me. I don't comment that often but I have been following your blog for sometime. I'm sure your girls miss Jack too even through they can't tell you. God Bless you and your family.

Franco*Filly (Jess) said...

This made me cry.

Anonymous said...

Megan,

This entry was absoultely touching and beautiful. I truly believe Jack is sitting right in the middle of those 2 beautiful girls.

Jessica - Dibsgirl

Elizabeth said...

I think of your Jack and follow your blog. This is such a beautiful post.. I love what your Mother said. I believe that she is right. The girls have to make a space for Jack because he's always with them and with you.... God Bless you and your family.

BenLand said...

so touching....
i always say a prayer for little jack ...and all the other little angels that left us too soon...and the ones struggling to hang on.....
God bless....

Jen in Seattle said...

Megan,

I've been reading since before Jack passed away. Each story you tell of Jack never fails to choke me up. The picture of the girls gave me goosebumps, I can just see him sitting between your two little ladies. He is right there, and in your hearts for always.

God bless!

Lori said...

I have left a couple of comments here before. I check your blog all the time. When I read this post, it gave me chills and then some tears too. I too think you are an amazing woman. You have touched my heart.

Anonymous said...

Hello
I've been following your blog and am so sorry for the loss of your baby boy. This was such a touching entry and the picture of the girls on the couch was a bit chilling with that little boy sitting next to your one daughter, who looked like her with the blonde hair, and looked the same age, it was as if that's what your son would have looked like, who was that? a cousin?

Lisa D said...

I also don't usually comment but do always follow your blog. This post was so beautiful. Lots of hugs to you and your family!

Ron and Aimee said...

I think of your family often and little Jack. God bless you.

Mer said...

I am not a frequent commenter, but this post was too moving not to respond. I absolutely believe kids know more than adults do, and I absolutely believe that they are making room for their brother. He with them, and with you, all the time.

Erika said...

WHOAH....I did no even realize that the girls did that...this post brought chills to my arms.

Jack is ALWAYS with you and the gilrs...:)

irongirl said...

I love the spot where Jack sits. We love you angel Jack! I hope to be a NICU or PICU nurse one day and I hope I can touch the lives of others as people have done for you!

Mom N' Dad said...

Like so many others, I have been reading your blog for a while now. I love to watch your girls grow (I have twin girls), and I love to hear of all the things that remind you of Jack. My heart truly breaks for you as I cannot imagine the empty space that is there. God Bless you!

Emily said...

Beautiful post...
I think of you and your sweet Jack all the time.

tbonegrl said...

what a beautiful post. It made me teary. thank you for sharing!

Gillian said...

Wow. I just got goosebumps. I totally agree with your Mom, and it makes complete sense.. it's actually pretty neat, I think. Just like you, they will always have their Jack with them.

misscarrie18 said...

I was so touched when I read this entry. Your mother is so right. I always think Jack is watching his sisters and now I can see him sitting there with them. Your mother is just as sweet as you are! I hope your summer continues to go well!

Claudia said...

wow... just wow.

I'm a long time follower, 1st time commenter.

You write so beautifully, and that picture took my breath away.

God bless you and your family.

Jill said...

That was an absolutely beautiful post! I too have surviving triplets...we lost our Colin at 8 days old. I have don't write about him often on my blog, but think about him every day!

I love reading about your girls and following your story!

Cathy said...

I know you say you've been blessed and lucky to have the girls and Jack, but I see it a little differently. They are blessed and lucky ones to have a such a thoughtful, sensitive, funny and loving Mother as you. You were chosen for your children for a reason.

Thank you for sharing your connection so eloquently.