Thursday, June 11, 2009

Goodbye, again

I know I've written before about all the things I just knew I would never, never do once I had kids. Things like, oh say use a leash or bribe them with cookies or let them walk around with runny noses.

Top of my list was the fact that I was never, ever going to drive a minivan. I mean there was absolutely zero chance. Zero.

Until I found out I was pregnant with triplets (many many 'nevers' go out the window upon hearing that news.... chief among them the "I'm never having triplets!" one). And we realized that we needed a car that could hold three car seats. And that is a very limited type of automobile.

And so, almost exactly two years ago, we went and bought a minivan. Not just ANY minivan, mind you, but a USED KIA MINIVAN. That's right..... try to control your jealousy.

Somehow early on, the minivan earned the nickname Mr. Poop. I honestly can't even remember why though it did come from my husband. Yes, good Old Mr. Poop, my minivan.

Now we have decided to sell Mr. Poop. My mom just bought a new car and we are taking her old one (an Infiniti SUV, so a definite upgrade). The van is out in the driveway with a big "For Sale" sign in the window.

And I can't believe how terribly sad I am about it.

I remember very clearly the day we bought the van - I was about four months pregnant and the whole idea of triplets seemed so surreal, so hard to comprehend. Driving off the lot in the mini van certainly helped make it much more real. We were so happy that day, happy with our purchase, and excited at the thought that in a few short months we would be filling it up with three sweet babies.

Driving it while I was pregnant I would look in the rear view mirror and try and picture the babies that would someday be strapped in back there. One would have to go way in the back in the third row, and everyone would always say "Don't stick Jack back there!! Don't make him sit in the back because he's the boy!" And I would say I won't, I promise. They can all take turns. And then I thought, maybe he'll like it in the back... a little time alone, away from his sisters. A little peace and quiet.

Of course Mr. Poop never did get to carry three car seats, and that third row was never even really used. But it's still been a good car. It took my girls home from the hospital when they were so so tiny, being swallowed up by their car seats. It's gotten us safely around for almost two years. And it's been the very last 'triplet' thing we still had.

I can't tell you how many times I've looked in that rear view mirror since Jack died and tried to picture him there, sitting in his car seat, yes way in the back. Behind his sisters, another little blue eyed, fair haired baby. When the van goes, that vision, even if only in my mind, goes with it.

Goodbye Mr. Poop, thank you for two good years. Thank you for keeping my babies safe inside. All three of my babies.

And goodbye again Jack. I hate that over and over, we keep having to say goodbye.

15 comments:

Lisa said...

Yesterday for the first time I looked in my rearview mirror and realized that soon I'll be staring back at my daughter in it. I can't imagine expecting to see a little face in that mirror and then never getting to. The further along I get in my pregnancy the more I understand what you went through with Jack, and I'm not even close to the point you were at when you said goodbye to him. I can't even imagine the pain now at 8 months pregnant than at 3 months old when you've met him and held him and smelled him.

Anonymous said...

Megan this is such a poignant post. My heart is breaking for you all over again, and again you show such resolve and strength. Sending you big hugs as you say farewell to Mr. Poop. I know that all 3 of your babies will love your new car!
Jenn from CT

Meg said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amanda said...

I totally understand. I bought a used minivan too, the only one I could find that would fit three carseats across the second row. I LOVED it for that very reason. I know exactly what you mean about looking in the rearview mirror and imagining a third seat there...

Meg said...

Megan, I have never posted a comment b/c I am computer challenged, but I finally started a blog myself so I am getting it slowly :).
Anyway, I have always loved reading your blog and appreciate you sharing your true emotions and honesty. I cannot even start to imagine what you go through every single day. My heart hurts for you.
I'm sure you know this but it is never a true goodbye to Jack, he lives on in your heart and the girls.
And b/c boys like cool cars better, I think he will like the Infiniti ;)

MrsMegAndo from the Nest, and FB too :)

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL said...

Misty-eyed here...

What sweet memories of your minivan you have.

I agree with Meg...though the "good-byes" to Jack must be unbelievably difficult, they are never permanent, as Jack is with you always.

Here's to new adventures in your Infiniti!

Tiff said...

(Hi! I found you on The Nest and just love your blog!) We too started with triplets, although my 3rd little bundle passed away while I was still pregnant, so I have no comparison to you and your heartache. Your post hit home today and made me tear up. We too bought our Minivan while pregnant with triplets and I always wondered the same thing about who would be in the very back. For me as well, it is the last triplet item I have left. I will drive my mini home with extra love today. thank you for always being so real and speaking from the heart.

MrsAmandaMqn said...

Your strength never fails to amaze me and your posts never fail to touch my heart. I'm sure Jack will enjoy the Infiniti!

Anonymous said...

Such a beautiful post.... you always touch my heart w/ your honest heart felt posts....

Anonymous said...

A beautiful post to Jack and Mr. Poop. Thank you for being so honest with your feelings. I am sitting here teary eyed. All the best to all of you.

Vanessa said...

Megan, even when Mr Poop is gone you will have those memories. And like other posters said, Jack lives on in your heart and in many many hearts. I've never met you and only know you through your blog (I someohow found you through the bump), but you often bring me to tears with your heartfelt posts. I think of your family often, especially little Jack.

Jody said...

Thinking of you.

We were going to buy a minivan, too, when we found out we were having triplets. We just didn't get around to it before I lost one. I am glad now that I didn't give in and actually buy a minivan until later.

Kari said...

I love reading your blog! I've been checking it out for over a year now when I was pregnant with my twins and still continue to do so. My good friend (Amanda Yussman)has your blog linked to hers, so it's fun to read yours right after hers!

Your babies are beautiful, and I love seeing Jack's sweet little face right at the top when your page loads up... it makes me smile!

~Kari

Alisha said...

That brought me to tears.

Ryan's mom gave us her old car a couple of weeks after the girls were born. We were having a hard time because the girls were so premature, and would be in the hospital for a long time, and we lived in the next town over. So my mom would drive Ryan to work in the morning, and drop me off at the hospital, and Ryan spent some time there in the evenings after work, but we had to go to home when my parents were ready. Once we got that car, it saved us. I was there from 7am, to 12am some days, and we brought the girls home in that car ... which was, no doubt, the happiest day of our lives. When that car broke down (and beyond repair) I was sad to leave it. Yes, I was excited for the prospect to buy a brand new car ... but it just doesn't have that feel you know?

Wendy said...

It's strange, the things our hearts hold on to. A fond goodbye to an old friend.