I want to write, I keep starting entries, and can't seem to get anywhere with them. I have so many things I need to write about, want to write about...
August was a strange month. It was wonderful in many ways, the girls get more fun every day. They clap now (Charlotte claps for everything but mostly for herself....:), they wave (hello AND goodbye), they dance, they say mama and dada (and Katie says baba for bottle), they crack each other up, they are just amazing. I was starting to really worry about autumn, and losing all my help I've had over the summer, especially with my mom starting back to work. But we were basically alone last week, my girls and I, and I loved it. I loved being with them, I loved the three of us doing whatever we wanted, we went and walked around a farmer's market, all three of us gnawing on fresh Italian bread. We spent an afternoon in the park with our friends. We walked over to visit Jack. We were fine, just the three of us.
I realized I spend all my time with my two absolute favorite people in the whole world, and how cool is that?
And then, at the same time, I missed Jack more than I have in months and months. Missed him in a different way than I had before. I'm not sure I even understand why, why it got so bad all of a sudden. I can't stop thinking about him, about everything that happened. I can't stop rehashing things, reliving things, second guessing everything. I can't stop the what ifs, and why me's and how did this happens.
I told PJ, I feel like I am (sort of) used to Jack not being here on a daily basis. But when we went on vacation, and we were somewhere different and it was something special, is when it started..... the feeling like there was this huge huge hole again. The nonstop feeling that Jack is missing and WHY WHY WHY is he not here. Last summer I sat on the beach in Cape May, and dreamed of this summer with my three babies. And here we were, back at the beach, with only two. Everything felt wrong. And I know that's how everything will feel, maybe forever - the babies' birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas.... no Jack. I want my Jack. I want my girls to have their Jack, I want PJ to have his Jack, and most of all i want Jack to have all of us.
Katie had an appointment with her heart doctor this morning, and I was really nervous about it. I feel just this close to having a melt down, and if we got any kind of bad news I really didn't think I could handle it. But she is the same - which is not fine, of course, but as good as we can hope for. Her PDA is still there, the PVS is still there, but they are no worse and her heart is not stressed or looking affected yet, so we will probably wait until after the holidays to do anything. Which was a huge relief. I cannot even think about anything happening to my Katie, can't even think about it.
I'm guess I'm just trying to figure out how to live during the best and worst time in my life, all mixed up together. I laugh so hard with my girls that it makes me sad Jack isn't here too and I start to cry.... that's my life lately. That's my emotions lately. But there is always more laughter than tears, at least.