Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Absence

I want to write, I keep starting entries, and can't seem to get anywhere with them. I have so many things I need to write about, want to write about...

August was a strange month. It was wonderful in many ways, the girls get more fun every day. They clap now (Charlotte claps for everything but mostly for herself....:), they wave (hello AND goodbye), they dance, they say mama and dada (and Katie says baba for bottle), they crack each other up, they are just amazing. I was starting to really worry about autumn, and losing all my help I've had over the summer, especially with my mom starting back to work. But we were basically alone last week, my girls and I, and I loved it. I loved being with them, I loved the three of us doing whatever we wanted, we went and walked around a farmer's market, all three of us gnawing on fresh Italian bread. We spent an afternoon in the park with our friends. We walked over to visit Jack. We were fine, just the three of us.



I realized I spend all my time with my two absolute favorite people in the whole world, and how cool is that?

And then, at the same time, I missed Jack more than I have in months and months. Missed him in a different way than I had before. I'm not sure I even understand why, why it got so bad all of a sudden. I can't stop thinking about him, about everything that happened. I can't stop rehashing things, reliving things, second guessing everything. I can't stop the what ifs, and why me's and how did this happens.

I told PJ, I feel like I am (sort of) used to Jack not being here on a daily basis. But when we went on vacation, and we were somewhere different and it was something special, is when it started..... the feeling like there was this huge huge hole again. The nonstop feeling that Jack is missing and WHY WHY WHY is he not here. Last summer I sat on the beach in Cape May, and dreamed of this summer with my three babies. And here we were, back at the beach, with only two. Everything felt wrong. And I know that's how everything will feel, maybe forever - the babies' birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas.... no Jack. I want my Jack. I want my girls to have their Jack, I want PJ to have his Jack, and most of all i want Jack to have all of us.

Katie had an appointment with her heart doctor this morning, and I was really nervous about it. I feel just this close to having a melt down, and if we got any kind of bad news I really didn't think I could handle it. But she is the same - which is not fine, of course, but as good as we can hope for. Her PDA is still there, the PVS is still there, but they are no worse and her heart is not stressed or looking affected yet, so we will probably wait until after the holidays to do anything. Which was a huge relief. I cannot even think about anything happening to my Katie, can't even think about it.

I'm guess I'm just trying to figure out how to live during the best and worst time in my life, all mixed up together. I laugh so hard with my girls that it makes me sad Jack isn't here too and I start to cry.... that's my life lately. That's my emotions lately. But there is always more laughter than tears, at least.

24 comments:

Lotta said...

You are so lucky your girls will stay in that fence. My son would have been scaling it or protesting loudly.

Does it help at all to think that Jack is in a good place? I hope that you can find a way to keep his spirit close by without feeling such heartbreak someday. It must be exhausting.

Katie M said...

It sounds like just another stage in an awful grieving process. WIth hilarious (and very smart) little girls, how could you NOT miss Jack? I keep you all in my prayers and I wish for you that the laughter always outweighs the tears.

Betsy said...

I think that what you are feeling is normal....its still hard though. You are a very strong woman.

Linda said...

I think it makes perfect sense that when you stepped out of your normal routine that the pain became 'new' again. I can imagine the cloud too when you think that every good event will have some pain with it too.
Your girls are wonderful. Prayers to you Megan.

the schirano triplets said...

i think it makes perfect sense...to have those feelings of missing him intensify when you step outside of your everyday. i think it is normal and to be expected, although i know that doesn't make it any easier.

katie and charlotte seriously crack me up. they are so adorable, megan, and just full of personality! sending hugs and prayers your way...

Shosh said...

i cant imagine going through the joy of raising babies and the pain of losing one at the same time. im sorry for the loss of your baby but i wish you much joy in raising the other ones. they are beautiful!

kitty said...

I wish I had something profound to say, but don't. Your girls are beautiful and funny and fabulous and it makes sense that the grief is that much more intense. I pray for you and PJ and am thankful you don't have to go through this alone.

avaellie said...

They are so cute! I feel the exact same way about my girls as you do....every day I get to hang out with them! So lucky! (oh but Thank God for Baby Jail!!!) My girls are 15 months and seriously every day is more and more fun with what they can say and do-keep enjoying it because it keeps getting better and better!

I think it is very normal and healthy that you always miss your Jack. How could you not?

The Murray Crew said...

I so wish I could think of words that could comfort you right now...but I'm speechless. It hurts me to even phathom the gravity of what you are facing each day. Know that I continue to pray for you and your family and care for our friends whom we've never met. Can't help but notice that the girls shine with Jack's eyes.

Anonymous said...

Charlotte and Katie are beautiful. They are getting so big. Believe me, Jack is right there with all of you, all the time. And the grieving and missing him will probably always be there but know that he loves all of you and will watch over his Mom and Dad and sisters always. Keep up the laughter and joy with the girls. I love reading about them. They make me smile.

Michelle said...

The girls are beautiful and a growing fantastically! I wish I had some wonderful words for you. I would imagine that your feelings are very normal. I don't know you and don't know how I found your blog, but I do read often and pray for you!

Collegegirl said...

Your girls are truly amazing and do not worry about the fall!
I hope everyone stays sick-free and happy for a while!
You are one AMAZING woman!
~Elyse~

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL said...

Continuing to pray for you and your special family. Wishing I could help ease your pain.

Rebecca Nixie said...

Stepping out of your norm is always a little scary, and missing Jack at those times is normal. I wish you more days filled with laughter and less days full of tears. You'll always have Jack in your heart and in his sisters!!! They are absolutely adorable!!!

Millicent said...

The girls are as gorgeous as always. As for Jack, what can I say... (((HUGS)))

Jody said...

I am no expert, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but I've often heard people say that the first year after a loss isn't as bad as the second. For the first year (or first months, as the case may be), they expect to grieve deeply, day in and day out, and others expect it, too. But, then, at some point, they expect to be able to move on... and others expect them to be able to move on, too.

But, really, it's when you have to come to terms with the reality of the hole left by that person that is the hardest part. It's not that initial incredibly intense grief. It's that adjustment to the fact that they are gone, and they are never coming back, and there is nothing you can do or say or change. It simply is, and perhaps it is harder to accept the daily reality than the shock of it all.

As you adjust to being your own little unit, of you and your girls (and PJ, of course, but on a day to day level just the three of you), it seems like that hole will seem larger. Because of course it was supposed to be three babies, not two. Jack should be there, waving and clapping right along with them.

I don't have any advice, just wanted to say that I'm reading and thinking of you.

Maria said...

I came across your blog and read through the entire thing. Hours later and having gone through a box of kleenex I think you are one of the most amazing women I have come across. I don't have anything to say that would ease your pain. I simply wanted to let you know that your eloquence in expressing your grief over the loss of your beautiful boy is so profound. My heart goes out to you and your family. I will keep you in my prayers. Jack truly was an amazing little boy and such a fighter. I think he is your little angel now, with you wherever you go and watching over his sisters. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I hope you will always be able to laugh through your tears.

Cindy (and Brian) said...

You are so amazing. I wish I had words for you but I can imagine there's nothing anyone can say that can really provide comfort. I cannot imagine the pain you must feel. Your sharing so openly is helping others. I hope there may be some comfort in that.

Anonymous said...

I do not know you personally but I am so in love with your babies (all three of them) and you are such a terrific Mom and I love when we can hear your laughter in the background and the girls respond to it. Keep up the good work and God Bless.

Anonymous said...

It sounds like you're having some symptoms of PTSD. I know everyone's comments are saying that your feelings are normal and all part of the grieving process and I agree 100%, but PTSD is in a catagory all it's own. I don't know how you feel about therapy but it might be helpful.

I wish you luck and I pray for you and your family often.

Anonymous said...

Hi Megan...the girls are getting so big and beautiful. I could only imagine the pain you must feel. I think of Jack every time I hear Alicia Keys. I wish there was a way to ease your pain.

Allison said...

Your girls are getting so big and are simply adorable! Many hugs and prayers for you and your family.

Dianna said...

Every time I read your blog I just want to give you a great big hug. I can only imagine the pain that you feel. I lost my little girl at 21 weeks gestation. It's not the same I know. But I think about her all the time. I have good days and bad, and while I LOVE my little boy and am overjoyed that he has come so far, I still think about her. You are an amazing woman and mother. The girls are so lucky to have you and you are definitely lucky to have them. I hope they pain doesn't stop you from enjoying them. I hope eventually the pain lessens just a bit. It will never go away I know. Take care and know that there are still many who read your blog and feel the loss with you.

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