Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Wish

We were so ready for you (as ready as anyone can be who's having three babies).

Your crib was ready, waiting in the corner opposite your sisters (we knew you'd need some space from them!)

It was all made up with your pretty blue and white bedding, and the blanket with your name embroidered on it. There was a little blue stuffed dog in one corner, and a soft brown bear in the other.

Your drawers were filled with little boy clothes, a t-shirt that said "I LOVE MOMMY". There was already a firehouse toybox waiting for you, picked out by your Dad, filled with fire engines and everything a little boy could want.

There was a stroller made for three. A minivan ready for three little car seats. Three boppies all printed with three peas in a pod. Three high chairs in the garage, two purple and one blue bumbo waiting, just for you.

There were socks and hats and bibs and everything made just for a little boy, with puppies and baseballs and cars and every other boy thing you could imagine on them.

And there was SO MUCH LOVE for you, and Katie and Charlotte. Before you were even here there was so much love, this little house could barely hold it all, it was bursting at the seams.

And now, all the things we had are almost all gone. The clothes and toys have been given away. The stroller sent off with another nice family, the third high chair returned to the store.

The few things you wore, the blankets you slept on while you were in the hospital are here, packed away. Your crib is in the attic, lovingly put there by your Dad one sad Sunday, piece by piece. Your soft blue blanket sleeps with your mom every night, she holds it close and hopes to dream of you. Your sisters chew on your little stuffed dog and bear. Your grandmother is stitching your pretty blue and white bedding into pretty blue and white quilts for your sisters. And your blanket with your name embroidered on it went with you, wrapped around you when we said goodbye.

The love is still here though Jack, and that is the one thing I wish the most I could have given you... more and more and more love. We had a whole lifetime of love for you, we gave you as much as we possibly could but it goes on and on. I wish you could have felt the sun on your face, just once, touched the snow, swam in the ocean. Kissed your mom, hugged your sisters, laughed with your dad. Breathed in fresh cool air, all on your own.

I wish, even for just one night, you could have slept in that bed, in this house with all the love, along side your tiny sisters, in the room next to your mom and dad.

66 comments:

Collegegirl said...

Jack-your parents will continue to love you for eternity. Even though you are not on earth, your spirit touches me on a daily basis! Your mama and daddy are doing well, but miss you. Watch over them and your sweet sisters. Be with them through struggles and watch them when delight fills the air. You are one sweet soul who will be with your mother on a daily basis. Watch over your sweet family!
~Elyse~

mara rob and patrick said...

Oh my gosh, I cried at this post like I haven't cried in months. What eloquent writing, although I'm saddened it's born out of your pain. I hope time heals you just a little bit, without fading Jack's memories.

Anonymous said...

I also cried at every line you wrote - how beautiful. Jack will always be with all of you - Mom, Dad, Katie and Charlotte. And the girls will have such a special love for their brother. I so love the idea of the blanket with pieces of Jack's things. That is something that will be treasured forever. God Bless you Jack and watch over your family and know how much you are loved by so many people. God bless your family.

Naomi said...

This post brought tears to my eyes. Beautifully written for a beautiful boy. My thoughts are with you.

Franco*Filly (Jess) said...

I don't have anything substantial to write, except that this post made me cry at work. It is amazing what that little boy accomplished while he was here. Look at all of the good he has brought--he is your angel, and will always watch out for his sisters. ((Hugs))

Christie said...

Oh man. I end up in tears with your beautiful posts to Jack. Jack will always be in your soul until you see him again. Trust in that. Charlotte and Katie have parts of their brother also. They will know and love him as they grow.

amberz said...

I really really really hope you consider writing a memoir one day. Your words speak to the pain, joy, sorrow others have and will go through in their life.

Amber

Kevin & Patty said...

I have not commented before, but I have been reading your blog since before your babies were born. This beautiful post really touched me. My heart breaks for you and your family and I will continue to pray that you find strength every day!
Patty

Shereen said...

I wish he could have, too. :(

Busted said...

We all wish that with you, sweetie. Even if he never came home, I'm sure Jack knew how much love there was and still is for him. (((HUGS))).

leona said...

I have tears in my eyes from reading your post. It was so beautiful. I wish for Jack to be there with you guys too....he is there but just in spirit which I know jsut isn't enough most of the days.

Cheryl Lage said...

A tear just hit my laptop.

What a tribute to such a special and lovingly remembered boy.

Squeeze those beautiful girls extra tightly for me...and give yourselves a Mommy & Daddy hug, too.

Lisa said...

Beautiful, Megan. Simply beautiful.

Jack is a part of the love that is in your house and always will be.

Anonymous said...

I have no doubt that Jack felt your love while he was here on Earth and that he continues to feel it today.

I wish there was something we could do to help ease your heartache. I know it will never be "gone," but I wish it was lessened for you.

Thinking of you.
--A Mom in Jacksonville, FL

the schirano triplets said...

oh honey, what a sadly beautiful and moving post. you managed to hit me right in the heart once again with your words and bring forth tears. i know that jack knew (in fact, he still knows) how much you all love him, he couldn't have helped but feel that overwhelming love. it is so evident even in the pictures. you are never far from my mind and always in my prayers...

Betsy said...

my heart aches for you....
He looks down and watches over you, the girls and your husband every day. I'm sure of it

kamahiclan said...

So touching. I wish you peace that surpasses all understanding today, and every day after.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry. I think about Jack every day. I love him every day. I will hug my kids extra tight when they wake up from nap. I am so very sorry.

Anonymous said...

I am at a loss. Your words have moved me to tears. Megan I truly believe that Jack knows how lucky he was to be so loved and is sending his love back to you and smiling down on you every day.
Tara

CRS said...

Oh Megan...
Lots of hugs for you

Gwen said...

What a beautiful post, so perfectly said. I wish so much that Jack had come home with you. I think of you (and Jack) every day, he's a part of so many lives.

Molly said...

Oh dear, I am crying now. This is so beautiful. It's true how much you love them before they are even here. I feel that love now and am waiting to show it to him. I think I will love him more just knowing about your story. So, thank you.

Jessica said...

Wow...how beautifully you have captured your feelings in words. I am a horrible writer. My heart aches for you. This little boy has touched the world in ways that most people here on earth couldn't dream of. He would be proud of the Mom that he has, knowing that she is keeping him alive....very much alive.

Just to add: I also agree that because you write so beautifully, one day these words be put into a memoir. You have a way of reaching out to people.

Steph said...

I've been reading for a while and suddenly feel necessary to comment. My heart aches for you. This was so beautifully written and I hope God contnues to help give you peace through this.

My thoughts are with you...

Laurie and the rest of 'em said...

I've been visiting your blog for a week or so now and just wanna tell you how sweet your fam is, how adorable your kids are and just how much I can tell you love and miss that boy of yours! I'm sure he felt the love while he was here on earth!
Such a sweet post!
Laurie

Anonymous said...

This post made me cry at the first sentence. Megan, your writing is so beautiful. And even though time has passed you are still grieving, and I still think of you and Jack everday.

He knows how much you love him, and he shows you in his own way everyday.

I wish you continued love and strength.

CT Knottie Jenn

Anonymous said...

Along with everyone else I cried at this post. I think Jack is such a special little boy. He was loved by so many people who didn't even know him and he has made all of us stop and think of others. I am so sorry for your pain and wish you strength as you move forward.

Anonymous said...

I've never met you. I don't know you. But I wish I could take your pain away...if only for a moment. To help you find peace.

Anonymous said...

I am in tears over here as well.
I will continue to keep Jack in my prayers.

Sincerely,
NJ Nestie

Harris Boys said...

megan, my heart still breaks for you every day..there is not a day that goes by when I don't think about you and Jack. you have impacted my life in so many ways...ways you'll never know. I have tears flowing down my face as I type this. I can't imagine how much you miss your jack...what an legacy he left behind. ::HUGS::

Brian & Debbie said...

Oh Megan, my heart hurts for you. I really can't imagine the pain you live with every single day. Jack has touched so many people and brought out good in all of them. He'll always be watching over his family that he knows loved him so much.

Rebecca Nixie said...

Spoken straight from the heart!!! You're a great Mom, Megan! Jack will keep you all safe, just as you will keep him alive. What a special thing to do...put his blanket into one for each of the girls...so they will always have a piece of him. Love & peace to you.

(((HUGS)))

Salsygirl said...

Oh Dear Megan,

This is my first visit. I am so sorry to read of all your trials. Prayers out to you and hugs your way as well. I can't even begin to imagine. Just know I'm thinking of you and those little girlies and of sweet baby Jack.
Sally from tracypartyof4

Kerry Lynn said...

I'm sorry, this is the saddest thing I've ever read. No one should have to know this kind of pain.
I'm so so sorry.

Gillian said...

I have nothing profound to add, other than my heart hurts for you.. Jack has made such an impression on me, and how I see the world-- he is with you daily, and feels the love you ALL have for him. In turn, he watches over each of you and loves you unconditionally.

Patyrish said...

Beautiful as always.

I too wish Jack would have been able to do all those things.

One thing I am sure of though is that little Jack experience more love in his short time on earth than many people do in a lifetime. You and PJ and the rest of your family made sure of that.

I love that you sleep with Jack's blanket.

Rest in peace little Jack, you are missed.

Anonymous said...

God bless to your family.

Anonymous said...

i know it has been said with every comment left to this post...but i am bawling. i have never left a comment on your blog, but i have read it since just after your babies were born. you are such a good mom...the way you are there for your girls and the way you honor jack. i love the idea of quilts from jack's bedding...the girls will cherish those forever. and you truly are an amazing writer, i agree that you should work on a memoir.

Gallagators said...

What a beautiful post about your precious son. May the Lord comfort your heart.

Anonymous said...

Megan,

I was sent a link to your blog by a friend today and haven't been able to stop reading all day. My heart breaks for you and your Jack, Charlotte, Katie and PJ. Your writing inspires me to hug all the people in my life, and not take a second with them for granted. Hoping you find peace in your heart.

Jeannie said...

Beautiful

susanc said...

I can't remember if I've actually commented on your blog before, I have been reading it for a while though.
I am the same as all the others, this entry has stpped me in my tracks, tears are streaming as my heart aches for you.

The emotion you write with is amazing, this post is just so beautiful.
I'm sad little Jack never got to sleep in his crib...what you are doing with his things keeps him alive in your daily life and I think thats wonderful.
I hope you have a good day :):)

Anonymous said...

I didn't expect to cry this morning,but this post was so hard to read, but so well said. I have no doubt that Jack felt your love and still feels it today. All of your children are so blessed to have such wonderful loving parents.

Jennifer in MN

jessie847 said...

beautifully written-I am at work crying at my desk. Jack is always by your side-never.

Anonymous said...

Hi, first time posting, but just wanted to day you write so beautifully. Jack will always be there with you, and the rest. :)

Jody said...

Oh, Megan. I'm so sorry.

njsara said...

I have never left a comment before but I have been following your story because of the Nest.

Your writing is beautiful. My heart breaks for you. I think that while I have never met you, you are by far, the most strong and amazing PERSON that I have ever heard of. To live through what you lived through and SURVIVE it with your faith and will still intact is amazing. I applaud you. You have two beautiful little girls to help keep Jack's memory going. they are as much a part of him as you are.

Your daughters are lucky to have such wonderful parents who will introduce them to Jack's memory.

I think of all of you often. God Bless You.

irongirl said...

My heart goes out to you! I too follow your family and think of little Jack often. He must know how much he is loved. Katie and Charlotte will always have their guardian angel watching over them. We all love you, baby Jack!

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, this post has me hysterical. You are such a beautiful writer. I really wish Jack could be there with you all physcially BUT I truly believe he is ALWAYS with you. He is your families angel. ((((hugs)))

Jessica
Dibsgirl

Laura said...

What a beautiful post. With that kind of love, you can bet Jack felt it and has carried it with him on his next journey.

Dianna said...

I started reading your blog the day Jack died. It broke my heart and my heart aches for you every time I come back. no one can truly understand your pain unless they have been there, and even then every experience is different. I didn't have nearly the same experience as you. I lost my little girl at 21 weeks gestation. I have my bad Emilee days sometimes more often. There is never a day that goes by that I don't think about where she would be... how old.. what she would be doing. Josh was born at 24 weeks and went through much to come home to us. For a time we thought we were going to lose him too. Your blog is so eloquent. I feel your pain every time I read but no matter how sad, I come back and read again. You will always miss Jack. I hope someday the pain will subside just a little. Enjoy the girls as I know you do. They are precious.

Erin said...

Hi, I just recently came accross your blog and I read the whole thing from the beginning to the very last post. Your story is so touching and you are truly an inspiration to others! I wish all the best to come to you and your family. Your girls are beautiful! And I am sure Jack is there somewhere watching over them!
--Erin (nestie quickstepstar)

Amanda(akayf) said...

This entry really hit me hard. Jack was loved by so many. He knows how much you love him and I know he is up there as an angel watching over you.

I just wanted to let you know that my mom also just became an angel and she loves kids so much. She was so excited to become a grandmother. She loved hearing your stories and often asked me how is that girl from the computer with the 3 babies. During her last hours, I asked her to keep an eye on your Jack up there in Heaven for you. I hope you don't mind.

Dana said...

God bless, Jack. And may He be with your Mommy, Daddy & sisters, Katie and Charlotte. They will forever hold you in their hearts.

I can't stop crying, and I can only imagine how difficult it must be -- to never know when the wave of emotions will knock you over. And maybe, that wave is Jack's way of letting you know he's thinking of you just as you think of him.

Anonymous said...

The picture in my mind of your husband lovingly taking Jack's crib down piece by piece completely broke my heart. I just wanted to send you a huge (((HUG))).
Cristallynn

Emily said...

Oh Megan...What a heartbreakingly beautiful post...

Hugs, thoughts and prayers to you and your family!

Erika said...

Just know that you have a little guardian angel in heaven looking after all of you.

Keep your head up and remember that you can see a piece of Jack inside the eyes of your precious girls and hubby.

God Bless!!

Katie said...

I can just feel the overwhelming amount of love pouring from your heart - and of course, the sadness as well, wish we all wish we could take away and make better. Jack is the luckiest little boy in heaven to have a mother, father, and 2 beautiful sisters who love him with every fiber of their being. Keep that light shining for him - we will all continue to hold him in our hearts as well. Lots of love, hugs, and strength to you -
Katie

Anonymous said...

I am in tears. I can tell how much love you have for your children. It shows in everything you do. I am sure the girls feel it and Jack feels it too. You are amazing Megan!!

Joan said...

It never fails. Every time I read your posts about baby Jack I cry. I read your pain and your longing for your little boy. It saddens me and I am sorry he is not here today. Jack will always be with you in spirit..

God bless you and your family.
Joan ( Rancho Cordova, Ca)

nestie melissaandeddie said...

I cry tears for you and your husband, your sweet little girls and for Jack. What a sweet post befitting of a sweet little boy. I have nothing to say that is moving or wise or even inspirational. But I love you and your girls and little Jack in a way only a stranger touched by something greater can. You are truly an inspiration and Jack is truly an angel.

Anonymous said...

Wow. I do not know you or your family, but through your blog I feel your pain and your joy. Your words are incredible. Jack knows how much he is loved, not only by his family but through strangers brought together by the words of his mommy. I never knew Jack but I have so much love for him and the rest of your family.

Anonymous said...

I have read this blog since before the New Year and I have never cried this hard until today. I want Jack to be sitting with you and laughing, crying, tormenting his sisters, cuddling with mom, wrestling with dad, everything. I am so sorry.

Denise said...

Your words are powerful. My heart is aching as I read this. Your little man is watching over you and your family and he feels your love. I think of you often. Sending hugs your way.

Kim and Troy said...

I'm just now reading your blog to learn about your triplets. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, but so thankful to read of your love. We also have triplets and I will certainly hug them tighter the next chance I get. Your girls are beautiful. Your Jack is precious. You are both amazing parents.
Hugs, thoughts and prayers are with you.
Kim L - mom to G/G/B triplets born 1/31/08

-Shaken, not stirred said...

Like everyone else that's posted.

I cried also. came to tears, couldn't hold them in.

I don't know you, at all.. but you seem amazingly strong through some of your posts I've read.

Thank you for sharing. My prayers are with you and your family.