Thursday, June 19, 2008

Rewrite

Right after Jack died, I thought, we will have another baby. We were meant to have three, we were ready for three.... we will have one more. PJ and I never officially said to each other since then no, we don't really want to do that anymore but I think it's sort of unspoken that we've changed our minds. Because, foremost among a multitude of reasons, we don't want 'another' - we want Jack. We don't want three, we want our triplets.

I kept thinking that what I really wanted was to be pregnant again, I long for that time, feel such intense nostalgia for all of it, even the swollen ankles and sleepless nights. I haven't been able to go through my summer clothes because all of them from last year are maternity, and just seeing them brings me right back to being pregnant with my babies, having Jack with me all the time. I thought, I want to be pregnant like a normal person, I want one baby, a normal birth, a baby who comes home with me.... but no, really I don't. I want my triplet pregnancy again. I want to do it one more time, my pregnancy with Jack and Charlotte and Katie, except different, better.

I can't let go of the thought that I WILL get another chance, as crazy as it sounds. I can't accept that Jack is really gone. My heart says oh I know, he's gone... for now. It's not forever! It can't be, that's impossible! There will be another chance, there's always a second chance, a do over, a happy ending.

Not to make light of this but I honestly feel like part of why I can't accept the idea of forever is television. My whole life I have loved and watched too much television, taken it all to heart and cared far too much about the people on it. And on television, nothing is forever. Bobby steps out of the shower. Willow brings Buffy back from the dead (and Angel too for that matter). Dylan's dad isn't really blown up on that boat, he's in the witness protection program! Even contestants voted off reality shows are brought back, given another chance.... there's always another chance, a loophole, a way out.

I daydream about it, how it will go. It's October 12th, 2007, the day after the babies are born, and I wake up from my drug induced stupor. I scream, are the babies okay? Is Jack okay? And yes, of course, they're small but fine. Ventilator? No one's on a ventilator! Jack breathes like a champ! What a terrible, awful dream. That crazy anesthesia! I say, I should have know it was a dream when Obama became the Democratic presidential nominee! And we all laugh.

And they wheel me down to the NICU, and I hold all three of my beautiful little babies, and Jack's sweet perfect face has no tube, no nothing on it, and I hear him cry, and breathe breathe breathe. The happy music plays, and we fade to black.

Scenes from next week.... the triplets come home! Hijinks ensue!! Special guest stars George Clooney as Megan's OBGYN and Justin Timberlake as the babies male nanny, Manny.

No, not really, of course. I just want the healthy babies part. I want my Jack. I want my do over, my second chance. I want my rewrite. I want my happy ending.

31 comments:

the schirano triplets said...

and oh how i wish i could give you your rewrite and your happy ending (and i would leave your ob as clooney and manny in it...that thought is too funny not to). megan, there isn't anything at all that i wish for more than your broken heart to heal. hugs, hugs & more hugs.

Anonymous said...

Continuing to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I don't believe that the loss of your sweet Jack will ever be easy, but I pray that you find peace.
--A Mom in Jacksonville, FL

BuckeyeBundle said...

I wish for you a happy ending too. I can't even imagine what it is like to not have your Jack. Please know how much you are thought of as well as your sweet, precious girls and loving husband. But Jack...boy do I think of him too and wish he was here to give you your happy ending. I know we don't know each other, but I hope you know how much you are loved...by those that do know you and those of us that feel for you from a distance.

big hugs.

Gwen said...

I wish that you had gotten that happy ending every time I think of you. Which is every day.

Anonymous said...

I wish I could give you a happy rewrite. Words cannot express how much your blog makes me look at life differently. Thank you for your honesty and courage.

David and Joelle Turner's Blog said...

Wow, this post really spoke to me! I know I can't relate to how you feel, but in the world today, you're right, everyone does get a second chance!! I wish there was something I could do to give you a second chance now, here on earth. But it will come, one day you will be reunited with your precious Jack and he will be perfect! And you will have your triplets together again. One day.

randibisme said...

Keeping you in prayer....
Love,
Randi Booth

Lisa said...

This couldn't have been written any more beautifully!

Mom in Iowa said...

I don't know you, you obviously don't know me, and quite frankly I can't even remember how I happened upon your blog, but I am hooked. Maybe it's your beautiful babies' faces that great me when the page opens, or the eloquent way you express yourself in your writing, or just the fact that what you write about is always so real and heartfelt.
My heart hurts for you that you have to live life without Jack and without the happy ending you deserve. I know that the hurt and the emptiness will always be there, but I hope that you will be able to find peace and that your broken heart will start to heal.

Alison said...

Your eloquent writing truly conveys your pain in a tangible way. I'm sorry your Jack is gone, but I hope and wish for you to find peace and mend your broken heart.

I appreciate your candor, honesty, and humor in all your writing. Thank you for sharing your beautiful children with us!

Anonymous said...

Your tv references made me laugh. I knew all of them, but who is Bobby?

I laugh and then I cry. I wish life were like a tv show too.

You are a strong woman. You'll always have three babies :)

Franco*Filly (Jess) said...

Bobby Ewing, oh the days of Dallas! You were such a beautiful pregnant woman, I hope that you experience pregnancy all over again if that is what you ever decide...
Jack isn't HERE....but he's here. He's never left. What it must be like to be on this earth and have such a legacy and be so small and so perfect. He is perfect!

Lotta said...

The truth of it is all of us moms want do-overs. If I could redo my son's 2's I would in a moment. I feel like I failed him as a mom since I couldn't step out of my depression enough. You've just got a much bigger do-over wish to contend with I'm afraid.

Hugs for you and your girls.

Millicent said...

This really resonated with me. The whole 'do over' idea. Except with my situation I did it. I had a c-section with my son, which in my mind was very unnecessary. Recovery was a HUGE physical and emotional trauma for me. I desperately wanted a 'do over'. And I did. I had a very successful VBAC with my DD 2 years later. And then another 9 months ago to another DD.

They were great experiences, don't get me wrong. But they didn't 'fix it'. I still felt traumatised, I still felt robbed of the beautiful experience I wanted with my son. I still lost so much time with him due to PPD. Two 'do overs' did not fix that. I have no regrets at all about having 2 more children. But I do wish I realized sooner that they (having vaginal births) wouldn't fix anything from my son's birth.

It took time for me. I do feel better about it. But the scars are there. No matter how many 'do overs' I do, they will not disappear...

I know my experience is FAR from yours, and I do not wish to minimize that at all. I just wanted to say, once again, your writing has resonated deeply with me. I wish I was a eloquent a writer...

And if I could ever get a do over for anyone, I would wish it for you.

Collegegirl said...

I really wish that I could help or make you feel better! I do have to say that you are one awesome lady and you will get through!
Prayers coming your way!!!
~Elyse~

Anonymous said...

I don't know you except for reading your blog and NJ Nest Boards....My heart hurts for you-every day I look to your blog to see if you posted a new entry-to see how you are feeling that particular moment, day....I wish I could give you a "rewrite" as well....Life is unfair at times...but I know that someday you will be together again with Jack...and I believe that he is with you every day....I pray for continued courage, patience, peace for you. Know that there are many "strangers" out there who are thinking of you, telling your story to others, wishing you the best.

Jen said...

De-lurking from CA to tell you how much I love reading your blog, especially this last post...you write so well. I don't know you, but I pray for you, PJ, and your beautiful babies. And it's SO true, in this age of TV, everything gets fixed in 22 minutes, and if it doesn't, hey! There's always next week! It definitely skews our sense of reality.

Anonymous said...

I haven't posted here before, but I've been reading your blog for months now, since before Jack died. Have you read "The Year of Magical Thinking," by Joan Didion? She writes about a similar experience after her husband died very suddenly. It might help.

Patyrish said...

I lived in that "this is all just a horrible dream" state for quite a while after Makily was born.

I LONGED to go back to the moments before she was born when everything in my life perfect and I was about to give birth to a healthy baby girl.

I was so naive back then. I had no clue what sorrow truly was or how broken my heart could be.

I also did not realize how many lives one little baby could touch and change.

Your Jack has touched me all the way in Florida Megan and I will never forget him.

Stella and Thomas said...

I have been lurking on your blog for awhile now. I have a very good friend who gave birth to a Jack on Oct 7, 2007. Her son died two weeks later and she is not ok. I mean, she ok but not. (Not sure if that makes sense)

I understand what you mean with the TV endings. I often think about it to. I pray you will get your happy TV ending.

I do believe that good comes out of all situations but to be perfectly honest...after watching my friend be torn apart, I am not sure why bad things happen to good people.

Sorry to ramble on and on...

Amy
(mom to twins Stella and Thomas)

Hyperfertile Infertile said...

It's funny that you write this. I never had a Jack, but I often find my thoughts going to the triplet pregnancy and babies that should have been. I can never quite decide whether I want a do-over, or really do want one more baby, or only want one more baby to finally, finally have one baby and not mess it up, and not end up in the NICU.

This may not make any sense. I'm tired. But, I get where you're coming from a little bit. It's hard to accept the finality of it all, and even to know what you really want given the reality, when what you REALLY want isn't possible anymore.

Shereen said...

Oh how I wish you could have your do over! =(

Mollie.

tbonegrl said...

When I cry and wish I could have a do-over...for the placenta not to have abrupted, for us all not to almost have died, for no NICU, and low apgars, and issues....I read this. And it brings me back to reality.

I wish for anything I could give you the do over.

((HUGS))

Anthony's Mommy said...

i totally relate to what you're saying. I was PG with twins. Anthony and Hailey. I lost Hailey at 20 weeks. Kept her in me for 6 weeks. I delivered her and 4 days later I had Anthony at 26 weeks. My pregnancy was perfect till 20 weeks when it all went to hell. I miss my Hailey. I wish Anthony could know his sister. I wish I could go back and know why it happened.

orangestar17 said...

I really wish you could get the do-over, I really do! But remember that even if it takes a long time, you'll eventually all be together again and you'll get your "do-over"!!

Casey's trio said...

I admire you for your strength and honesty and "realness" that you share with the world. I think there are so many of us out here who wish we could hit the rewind button for you and watch your story again the way it is meant to be in your heart.
Sending you hugs from CA

shannon said...

I just found your blog and I'm crying already. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your girls are beautiful and your husband looks like hysterical fun.

Sara Rose Tutus said...

I wish you could have your happy ending too.

Wendy said...

"I thought, I want to be pregnant like a normal person, I want one baby, a normal birth, a baby who comes home with me.... but no, really I don't. I want my triplet pregnancy again."
So many hugs.... I had a rough pregnancy (nothing like what you had to go through, however) and wish for a do-over as well. Except, I don't want another baby. I want to feel my twins moving around in there, I want to see them kicking on an US.
I can understand how you feel ((hugs))

Beverly said...

I am just beginning to read your blog. You are very good at putting your thoughts down. I know that will help you start to heal. Can you share these feeling with your husband? I hope so, but dad's grieve different than mom's do. It has only been 5-6 months, it is still so raw. I will pray you enjoy your journey with the girls, all the while learning how to deal with your feelings for Jack.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure how I came upon your blog, but I have sit here and cried for you. I cannot imagine how it is to deal with the death of your child, but I get some ideal from your writing. I believe your Jack knows how much you love him and how much you miss him. Your two girls won't remember Jack, but you can tell them about him everyday so they will know their brother too. By the way, the girls are beautiful. As I sit here in tears for you, I pray God will hold you tight and ease some of your pain. Thanks for sharing all the beautiful words and pics with us all.
From a mom in North Carolina