Sunday, February 17, 2008

Catch-22

We took Jack's crib down yesterday. It was really hard. On the one hand, nothing could bring me to tears faster than the sight of that empty crib. It upset me more than anything else, more than Jack's clothes or blankets or any of the other hundred things that were here waiting for him. Every night I sit in the glider in the nursery for a couple minutes with each of the girls before I put them in their crib, and every night while I sit there holding them, I'd stare at Jack's crib, all made up and waiting for my baby that was never coming home, never going to sleep in it, and every night I'd end up sobbing. So it just had to come down.

But then the thought of taking it down, of it not being there anymore, made me feel just as terrible. So many things are a Catch-22 it seems. There are no good answers, no easy fixes. It's a matter of what will make us feel not quite as awful. The crib being gone has not actually made me feel any better. I still can't walk in the nursery without seeing it, thinking of the day we put the bedding on it, his pretty blue bedding with the blanket that had his name embroidered on it, the blanket we wrapped over him in his little white coffin and is now burried with him. The absence of the actual crib hasn't changed anything, except to somehow make the tiny little nursery feel so incredibly big and empty.

The girls and I had a lot of visitors today, two of their aunts and two cousins who had not gotten to meet the girls yet. It was a nice afternoon but the babies have been pooped from all the attention, they fell asleep right after everyone left at 5ish and have pretty much been asleep ever since, except for waking briefly to eat. It worries me. I see them waking up at 3am thinking it's morning.

They need their beauty sleep too because Monday is a BIG DAY. My friend Jess's husband is an amazing photographer and he's coming to take the girls pictures. I have spent all weekend agonizing over what they should wear and still haven't made a decision. I just spent an hour steaming the wrinkles out of many baby party dresses.... they're all so cute, which ones to pick? Do I dress them alike? Different? Should I do a casual look too? Should they wear shoes? Tights? Such a dilemma.

I did buy a small tiara yesterday for them because as everyone knows I love a tiara, but I didn't think about the fact that the girls still have almost no hair. The tiara just slides right off their heads. I was thinking of maybe using tape (or my aunt suggested false eyelash glue) but that might be a bit overboard. Tempting though.

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

I don't know you, I just have your blog saved as one of my favorites. Each night before I go to bed, I check to see if you have posted. I feel like I know you through your posts. I think of you and your family all the time. Especially Jack. Now, when I hear that Alicia Keys song, and often when I see multiples. I admire your courage, your strength, your heart, and words you write about on your blog. I talk about you to my DH all the time.

Today when you posted about the tiaras, I smiled knowing that the girls will look so stinkin' cute with them on; however, I believe YOU should be the one wearing the tiara (should you be in tomorrow's photo shoot). To me, in order to be a Princess you would have to have courage, strength, and an amazing heart - and YOU encompass all of those things! I wish you and your family sweet dreams tonight.

And I look forward to the blog entry with the photos of the girls and maybe, just one of you with your tiara on!

Anonymous said...

Megan, your courage, strength and grace never cease to amaze me. You will always carry Jack in your heart, even though his crib is gone from the nursery. Thanks to you, no one who has heard his story can ever forget him.

The girls Valentine outfits are adorable! I hope the photo shoot goes well tomorrow!

Noah and Zach's Mom (Multiples Board)

Anonymous said...

I just found your blog last night and have read every entry. Your strength and love for your children is inspirational. Reading Jack's story brought tears to my eyes. Ironically enough, I just heard the Alicia Keys song for the first time this week and asked my husband tonight who sang it (he didn't know). And then I read your post (the video attached showed Alicia Keys).

Thanks so much for sharing your story. Now that I have read about your precious Jack, I will never forget him.

Millicent said...

As you might know from my previous comments (not sure if you remember me) I light a candle every couple days at the gratefulness.org site. I was lucky enough to go to a Benedictine monastary last week. It was beautiful and very peaceful. I lit a real candle for Jack there. I am not Catholic so it is not something I usually have the chance to do. It can't describe how it felt to do that... Beautiful, peaceful, sad and heartbreaking all at once... On the way home I heard "no one". Jack is still around and still touching people. I truely believe that.

I wish there was a way to make this easier for you...

Anonymous said...

Like the other posters have said, I do not know you or Jack or your family, but I have your blog saved as one of my favorites...every day it reminds me of trully how blessed we are...I wrote a check to be donated to the fund in Jack's name today-it's a small amount-but Jack has made me look at things in a new light-really appreciate the good things we have and I want to help in some way. Thank you for continuing to share your life with us.

Sarah said...

Taking down his crib had to be hard, but it will get better, even if it seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Jack will always find ways to shine his light on you, he is not "gone" for I'm sure his spirit still lives. Jack and your sweet little girls have been blessed to have such a wonderful mom that loves them so much. I pray that your days will get easier and time will heal your broken heart.

Also, I can't wait to see pics of the girls. I always had a hard time picking out outfits for my daughter too. Sometimes I would put her in 2 to 3 different ones. Everything is just too stinkin cute. Good luck with the pics!!

Patyrish said...

Yet another one of your entries that just got me. The constant reminder of all that you have lost will never go away. I pray that it will get at least a little easier over time. I often say that time heals all wounds....some just leave MUCH bigger scars than others.

I too love a tiara. Makily has worn one for every single birthday! I think just a smidge of eyelash glue wouldnt hurt....right?! LOL

Gillian said...

I'm sure yesterday was agony for you, but like everything else, you got through it and continue to demonstrate the amazing strength that IS you. Jack understands, and remains with you always.

I can not WAIT to see pics of the girls' photo shoot-- tiara and all! How exciting; I'm sure they will just look as beautiful as they are.

Jessica said...

Today I got to see the nursery in person and it is beautiful. What makes it completely beautiful and complete is a little corner of it with Jack;s photos plastered all over it. I think that is what made the nursery complete.

I can't wait for Matt to load the pics...he went out for a walk with Max and I am already nagging him to upload the photos and we've been home literally 5 minutes.

Oh, and that tiara was worn by PJ, lol...but I don't think we got a pic of it fast enough.

The girls were absolute angels...I hope you will like the pics! Thank you for having us over and for the coffee!!!
Jess

Anonymous said...

Continuing to think of you often and pray for you and your family.
--A Mom in Jacksonville, FL

Anonymous said...

I have often thought that if I were in your position, what would I do with the crib? Your strength is remarkable and your bravery astounding. You are a hero to your family and to all 3 of your children. Hang in there Megan. Much love!

AmberZ said...

I, like the first post, have your blog bookmarked on my computer. I find myself checking for your updates.
Every time I open your page, the picture of Jack with his little race car pillow makes me smile. What a beautiful baby boy.
Everytime I hear the Alicia Keys song, I can't help but think of you and your family.
I know it doesn't matter how many times people tell you that they understand or that the pain will go away - but I hope you do find some comfort in knowing that you have touched so many lives.
I feel strongly that I am a very different person, since coming across your story. Jack has forever left a place in my heart and I'll never be the same.

Amber
Baltimore Knottie

Amanda said...

Taking down Spencer's crib was unbearable, but I felt the same way you did looking at it. I couldn't do it; my mom had to. She rearranged the nursery and bought a big fun toy box to fill up the space so there's no 'empty' space to remind me. It helped. I'm not sure what your nursery looks like, but it's an idea. Also, I couldn't bring myself to sell his crib, so we set it up at my mom's for the other babies, but got new bedding. It was a small comfort.
Can't wait to see the girls' pictures!

My name is Tammie said...

Hair gel should do the trick to keep the tiara's on. ;) It will also keep a bow on their little heads if need be.

Keeping you guys in my thoughts.

beckscat said...

Just a suggestion for pictures - a friend of mine stuck things in her baby's hair/head with corn syrup. It's sticky, holds pretty well and washes right off. I don't know if it would hold a tiara but it will hold bows, etc.

Adrienne said...

I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it was to have to take down his crib. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with all of you.

I look forward to seeing the pictures of the girls - I am sure whatever you dress them in they will come out beautifully!
MrsAdrienneT

Sandy said...

Megan you are such a strong person. I'm sure that taking Jack's crib had to be hard. He is watching down over all of you and smiling at his beautiful little sisters. I think of Jack often and you guys. Sending you tons of strength.
I love the girls pictures and the Tiara looked gorgeous on them. Hugs.

Brian & Debbie said...

Seeing the crib there and not seeing it there has to be heartbeaking either way. Don't worry, Jack no one will ever forget about Jack.

I'm not sure if you decided what to do about Jack's fund. I had what I think is a really good idea. If you'd like to hear it, email me pfeiferd@verizon.net I don't have your email and didn't want to just post it here.

Anonymous said...

I read each one of your new blog entries and I want you to know that the grief you feel is normal. Don't ever feel guilty for feeling it. You might think, "I have two beautiful, healthy baby girls. I should be glad for that." But nothing is more difficult than losing a child. No one can tell you when you should be done grieving. The fact is, you will never stop. But please know that you are so strong. I highly doubt I could deal with what you've been through as well as you have. You are an inspiration to mothers everwhere : )

Lotta said...

Jack is so lucky to have you as his mommy. When he was on earth, and now in heaven. He's so blessed to have you.

Hyperfertile Infertile said...

Your comment on my blog the other day about triplet moms who are now moms to twin girls really touched me. I can't begin to fathom what you've gone through. My experience has been like a teeny tiny fraction of yours, and even that sometimes makes me so sad that I can barely handle it. So, I think about you and wonder how you do. I suppose no one has a choice but to keep going.

I had only bought one little diaper for my baby B. I couldn't decide whether to save it as a memento or use it. I finally decided to use it. But, it's green, and the only green diaper I have, so every time I use it, I am reminded that I bought it for another baby. As silly as it is, it hurts every time.

Erickson 5 said...

This post is so touching. I am a triplet mom that started out as a Quad mom. I lost my 4th baby at 12 weeks gestation but I still wonder about my little angle and pray for him/her. I will keep you and Jack in my prayers.