We took Jack's crib down yesterday. It was really hard. On the one hand, nothing could bring me to tears faster than the sight of that empty crib. It upset me more than anything else, more than Jack's clothes or blankets or any of the other hundred things that were here waiting for him. Every night I sit in the glider in the nursery for a couple minutes with each of the girls before I put them in their crib, and every night while I sit there holding them, I'd stare at Jack's crib, all made up and waiting for my baby that was never coming home, never going to sleep in it, and every night I'd end up sobbing. So it just had to come down.
But then the thought of taking it down, of it not being there anymore, made me feel just as terrible. So many things are a Catch-22 it seems. There are no good answers, no easy fixes. It's a matter of what will make us feel not quite as awful. The crib being gone has not actually made me feel any better. I still can't walk in the nursery without seeing it, thinking of the day we put the bedding on it, his pretty blue bedding with the blanket that had his name embroidered on it, the blanket we wrapped over him in his little white coffin and is now burried with him. The absence of the actual crib hasn't changed anything, except to somehow make the tiny little nursery feel so incredibly big and empty.
The girls and I had a lot of visitors today, two of their aunts and two cousins who had not gotten to meet the girls yet. It was a nice afternoon but the babies have been pooped from all the attention, they fell asleep right after everyone left at 5ish and have pretty much been asleep ever since, except for waking briefly to eat. It worries me. I see them waking up at 3am thinking it's morning.
They need their beauty sleep too because Monday is a BIG DAY. My friend Jess's husband is an amazing photographer and he's coming to take the girls pictures. I have spent all weekend agonizing over what they should wear and still haven't made a decision. I just spent an hour steaming the wrinkles out of many baby party dresses.... they're all so cute, which ones to pick? Do I dress them alike? Different? Should I do a casual look too? Should they wear shoes? Tights? Such a dilemma.
I did buy a small tiara yesterday for them because as everyone knows I love a tiara, but I didn't think about the fact that the girls still have almost no hair. The tiara just slides right off their heads. I was thinking of maybe using tape (or my aunt suggested false eyelash glue) but that might be a bit overboard. Tempting though.