Thursday, January 24, 2008

Numb was fun... I miss it

I was in the middle of trying to write an entry that wasn't a total downer, when the mail came. The mail is such a minefield lately.... every day we get the most beautiful cards and letters, that really help. And then we get the medical bills, and the mail addressed to Jack. A letter came last week telling him he'd been taken off our insurance, and to bring the letter with him if he went to apply for new insurance elsewhere.... okay. Thanks.

Today, we got a bill from the medivac company that helicoptered Jack to CHoP.... for over $9,000. I opened it, stood there in the kitchen, and sobbed. It's not even the money - I don't think in the end we will really end up having to pay that much money. It was just the point. The sight of that piece of paper, telling me I needed to pay someone almost ten thousand dollars for a helicopter ride that basically took Jack to the place he died, was too much. Someone had highlighted in bright yellow the words SUBSCRIBER RESPONSIBILITY, and the total due, and then Jack's name. Yes, try and get it from Jack. Jack is dead, and yet we still are supposed to pay money for the futile, painful attempts that were made to save him. It seems so cruel. I would pay it a million times over if it had helped Jack get better. But I guess life doesn't work that way.

This is why people take to their beds and stay there for months - to avoid the moments like this. Some days I really wish I had that option.

So here's the entry I had started. It's rambling. Sorry.

-------------------------------------------------

I wonder when Wednesdays will just become another day of the week again, instead of The Day of the Week That Jack Died. Will there ever be a Wednesday where I don't wake up and think, Jack died this many weeks ago today? I hope so. Because seriously, Wednesdays suck. I'm not even always consciously aware it is Wednesday (not going to work, I lose all track of what day it is lately....), but somehow, Wednesdays always seem to be the hardest day of the week.

Yesterday I took Katie over to visit Jack's grave and the cemetery had cleaned it up, thrown out the old flowers from the funeral. It looked very nice, the only things left on the grave are a wreath my brother made out of limbs from our Christmas tree and his tree, and a little fire engine PJ bought. For some reason the sight of those two things sent me over the edge into borderline hysterics. Yay for Wednesday.

But today is Thursday, so let's try and make it a better day. So far - not looking so good. I got no sleep last night, thanks to little Miss Charlotte. She has the reflux, which was bad about a month ago, the doctor put her on Pepcid, it got better, then last weekend, it came back with a vengeance. She's been miserable ever since. They upped the Pepcid dose but I've yet to see any improvement. I feel so badly for her, you can tell she's in pain.

Charlotte is so funny... when she is happy she is really happy. When she is not happy - LOOK OUT. Run for the hills. It's ugly. Katie is so mellow and easy going. We say Katie is the Princess, Charlotte is the Diva.

The Princess and the Diva:



Remember that nursery rhyme, there was a little girl, who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead.... and when she was good, she was very very good, and when she was bad she was horrid... yeah. I hate to be labeling my children at 3 months old, but that's going to be Charlotte, trust me (maybe without the curl -though they are starting to get some hair! They look like they have little buzz cuts, so cute.)

We broke out a few baby things that the girls are just starting to get big enough for. The Bumbos were not a huge hit yet.... Charlotte seemed mildly entertained, Katie was definitely NOT.



This activity thing though, is great. Both girls are a little small for it still, but they are fascinated by it (in small doses).



Today is my mom's birthday (HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOGO!! LOL), so we're going out to dinner tonight. PJ is at work, so it's just me and the girls today. We're all sleep deprived, cranky and kind of smelly. I need to get us all cleaned, dressed and ready to go by 6pm. Wish me luck.

THANK YOU to everyone's suggestions on my last entry about what to do with the Jack fund, there are so many awesome ideas. I am considering all of them, and am planning on contacting many of you as soon as I get a chance. It's hard right now, since Charlotte is basically attached to me lately.... everything I type is done while holding a ten pound baby. It's not easy. But anyway, thank you all again, I appreciate the help so much. The post from Jennifer about her little boy buying gifts for children in the hospital was so sweet, it made me so happy- thank you. Keep the ideas coming!

42 comments:

Undomestic Goddess said...

I hope the days get better for you. As far as the painful reminders of Wednesdays, to me it's like having a fresh wound, it will be painful and you know itwill hurt somedays more than others but you know it will heal. Even though you know it will never be the same as it was before you were hurt it will get better in time and the scare will be a reminder of the strength you have to heal but a reminder to never forget. Sorry I guess I tend to ramble ( i hope my point is coming out right)

Take Care

Marie said...

megan,
i hope each day gets better for you. again im sorry for all your going through...i wish i could do something to take an ounce of pain away from you (and stop your mail from coming)

as for an idea for what to do to preserve jack's memory. im still thinking....i will do my best to come up with something

Rachel said...

I am in awe of you. You are such a strong person. I hope that Wednesdays get better for you. I cannot imagine the pain you must feel. I feel like I have learned so much from you and I'm a better person because of reading about your family. You remain in my prayers.

Mrs.LB705 said...

I hope that each day will get a little easier for you. I am continually impressed with your strength and your faith, and those two things will get you very, very far in the healing process.

Your family continues to be thought of and prayed for by so many.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Linda

Sarah said...

I'm praying that "the" wednesday will come soon when it can be "just" a wednesday. Both my nephew's had reflux and it will get better. Your girls are so beautiful and are getting so big!!

A.K. said...

I hope to donate to Jack's fund... Your family's story has really, really touched me. The girls are so beautiful and they have their angel brother watching over them. I'm praying for you.

Alicia said...

that picture of the girls is so hysterical! i can't imagine what a handful they are =)
i hope wednesdays get better for you, i think for awhile life is acounted for my how long since so and so died. it's still that way for me. I e-mailed you back, i hope it helps some!

Anonymous said...

You might want to ask the DR to change her to prevacid. It was the only thing that helped Alyssa. Also, you might want to look into getting a tucker wedge and sling. They really help.

Kimberly and the GA Guinn Trips
www.guinnfamilyhome.com

natalie042205 said...

I hope that each day gets better. I feel for you with the reflux thing - been there. It's not fun at all, but once they hit 4 months they usually start to grow out of it. I've also heard that zantac works well.

Minnie said...

I am praying you find peace in your heart. If for a day, an hour, or just a Wednesday.

The McAtee Family said...

First and foremost, I want to say how sorry I am about Jack. There are no words...really. Seriously, a girl who loves to talk is positively speechless. So, again, I'm so sorry.

Secondly, a suggestion for you. Check out the following websites for a little inspiration...
www.scotthousehold.com
www.mamaonaplaydate.blogspot.com
www.heroesforchildren.org

All the websites are linked/related. Jenny Scott is a mother of two daughters (one on earth, one in heaven). Her first daughter, Allie, died at nine months of age from cancer. Jenny turned her grief into "Heros For Children", an amazing organization devoted to helping children in Texas as they struggle with illness.

Jessica said...

Aww, Megan..I hope the days get a little less painful for you. It doesn't matter how many days go by, or how many Wednesdays pop up..Jack will always be yours to love and remember...he is your perfect angel!! But I do hope things get better, I can't believe that pic of the girls...holy crap, what personalities already! Looking forward to seeing you.
XO, Jess

Liz said...

I can't even imagine receiving that bill Megan. There's not a person on this planet that wouldn't have felt what you felt. I am so sorry & I hope that with each day it gets just a little bit less painful for you & for PJ.

The pictures of Charlotte & Katie are so amazing, their little personalities really shine through in them. I can't wait to see you guys soon. xoxo

Kate said...

Megan-

I have a Tucker reflux wedge I will ship to you for free. I have 17 month old triplets and it was a life-saver for our son Zack. He had horrible reflux and it helped keep him at a certain angle and help him feel better/sleep better. Seriously, I'll send it to you free of charge.

I am so sorry for all you are going through. I'd love to help you any way I can, and maybe the reflux wedge would help her sleep better.

Kate





Kate

Amber said...

I hope your Wednesdays start getting better and better. Your girls are absolutely adorable. Hang in there with Charlotte's reflux, it gets better, trust me.

Anonymous said...

Megan,

Maybe there is something about the name Charlotte because I think mine is a diva too, lol.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I hope you wake up one Wednesday and instead of it being a horrible day, it is a day when you remember Jack and all the good he did and all the good he is still doing.

Your girls are beautiful. I hope they let you sleep soon. Jack is beautiful too, he always was and always will be.

{{{HUGS}}} and vibes to you.

I am thinking and praying for all of you.

Gillian said...

OMG Megan! Charlotte and Katie are a STITCH! I love their little smirks already!!

The fact that you are making it through each and every day for your daughters, is such an inspiration. I am continually so amazed by your strength, and perseverance (sp?).. asking for suggestions for what to do with Jack's fund is great!

I like the idea of an annual fundraiser; you KNOW the Nesties would be there in FULL FORCE.. Jack has made us all better people like that!

I wish you all well, and you continue to be in my thoughts!

Patyrish said...

$9,000, I just had to shake my head. I would have been just as upset by that letter. Your right it's not the money...just another cruel reminder of what your heart will never forget anyway.
As for Wednesdays honey I pray that eventually time will again turn it back into just a day of the week. I did not loose Makily but when she was born (April 1)we almost lost her, did the NICU time, found out about her genetic disorder etc. To this day I still have a problem with the entire month of April. Too many sad memories from the night she was born, the surgeries, ventilator, the depression, the fear you know. Each year is just a little easier than the one before.

I meant to be uplifting but I find now I am being depression, LORD FORGIVE ME!

Thinking of you and praying for your family daily. God Bless.

Millicent said...

It is so good to see you post again. I check everyday. It's ok to be down. If you can't vent and get upset here, where can you? I still think it is wonderful you let us into your life like this. What a brave and selfless person you are. Jack learned from the best obviously. You are right he did touch peoples lives and change them (even if just a little) for the better. I think of him and you everyday and wonder what I can do to make a difference. I replied to your last post about bereavement photography as an idea of something you could help with. You may or may not, no matter. But I haven't heard of it being done in Australia. So I was thinking I might try doing it for people. I have a new camera. I am doing a photography course. I am a photoshop addict. Maybe I can use my skills to make a difference? I certainly will find out if it is something I can do. Because of you and Jack, I want to DO something. I think this may be my calling.

As for your gorgeous girls, I hope Charlotte is feeling better very soon. And I continue to pray for Katie and her heart...

Lotta said...

You and your girls are beautiful. I thought of you when I was in the hospital with Gracie. It kills me to see her in pain over something as simple as her tonsils. It made me realize even more how hard trying to save Jack must have been for you. You are so brave.

Huge hugs!

carmeng said...

Megan, I continue to think about you. I hope that with time your Wednesdays become normal days again. Though, Jack WILL ALWAYS live in your heart and thoughts.

Your girls are so beautiful.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for all that you are going through... I can't imagine having any other reaction to those bills (well, rage, maybe) or to any of the other things you are facing daily now.

Your girls really are so adorable (love the photos!) and they are so lucky to have such a great mom.

They will keep you going, keep getting you up and out of bed in the morning, until one day you are able to live and love with them, and your husband, and Jack in your heart, in a peaceful way that defines your new family. Well, that is what I hope for you.

And - yay - I am SO glad that we made you happy with the toy drive that Evan has started. Even if it was just a brief moment of happiness, or a slight lifting of the spirits - I'll take it. :) I've never been very good at offering words of condolence, especially for something like what you are going through where there just are no words. So I'm happy that we can help in a small way, both you and the children we reach out to. Evan is really excited about collecting the toys... he counts how many we have so far each day.

I hope your Wednesdays, and every other day, get better. We're thinking of you.

Jennifer
PS> You can always email me at jb082505@yahoo.com.

Adrienne said...

Megan,
I hope that each day gets better for you. I still can't even begin to imagine what you all are going through, but your strenthg continues to amaze me. You all remain in my thoughts and prayers.
MrsAdrienneT

jhp1421 said...

It took me a long time to find your site again. I had so wanted to keep following up on your beautiful family. My heart is broken, I was hoping to find that things were on the mend for little Jack. I know you will find peace and I know Jack will be in your heart forever. He will live forever through his beautiful sisters. I wish your family love and peace.

Irish1114 said...

Hi Megan,

I did the same thing with the day of the week. My mom died on a Thursday..so I would be like, "mom's been gone 4, 5, 6 weeks now. That ended & turned into the day she died (the 8th). I don't know when I stopped doing that..& I know losing a parent & a child are totally different, but the counting of the weeks, months will end. It may not end any time soon, but it does end.
I think of you & your family often.
(((hugs)))

Kelly

Melissa said...

I hear ya on the Princess and Diva thing...that's my two nieces to a T. You'll have fun with them...that's for sure :)

I hope Wednesdays get easier for you soon. If you want to gtg for lunch next Wed (or any day), just let me know. And Frank is DYING to meet the girls...let's do that soon!

tbonegrl said...

The bills are horrible. I am hoping Wednesdays get a little better for you.
((HUGS))

rachael said...

I love the new pictures of the girls, they are getting so big!

I am sorry that you have to experience such pain; but though it will still hurt, with time the pain will become less sharp. I read a blog of a mother who lost one of her twins and thought of you when I saw this post.

http://ingliseast.typepad.com/ingliseast/2008/01/to-the-mama-wit.html

Please let me know if I can do anything for you. Until then, know you are in my daily thoughts and prayers.

Take care of yourself and those beautiful little girls,
Rachael

Dianna said...

First of all I have to say I read your blog and was heartbroken. I lost my little girl at 21 weeks gestation and was devastated. Your loss was so much more. I hope every day gets a little easier. HE will always be with you and the girls.

Secondly... have they tried other meds for the reflux? For awhile Josh was on 3.. Reglan, Zantac and Prevacid. He is now on two, Zantac and Prevacid and they seem to work well in conjunction with each other. It's worth asking to get her to where she is comfortable.

I wish you the best and hope the days get easier soon.

The Texas Trio said...

Hello ... my son (a triplet) also had problems with acid reflux (and aspiration). After trying different medications, what ended up helping him was a thickening agent called Simply Thick.

Literally from the moment he went on it, all of his problems went away!

You and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers for quite some time now.

Anonymous said...

Megan,

My thoughts are with you and your family at this time. I'm praying that your Wednesday's become better.

I too had the pleasure of getting tons of bills for a baby I didn't have. I know my situation wasn't an ounce as hard as yours was emotionally and financially, but I still had the same end results. Bills and no baby.

I wish you the best. Thank you for sharing your blog with me. The girls are beautiful.

I miss Jack too. I hope he's keeping an eye on his sisters since they seem to be "trouble". :)


Stacey
mazzystarz

Noah&ZachsMom said...

Your Charlotte sounds just like my Baby Cole (8 months). We call him either "0 to 60" or "the fast and the furious." He is either really happy, or really not. Like you said, look out! Charlotte and Cole would make a perfect match ;)

I hope that Wednesdays won't always be such a horrible day for you.

Love and prayers, Noah and Zach's Mom from the Multiples Board

Jes said...

You dont know me, but I stumbled across your blog from another. I read your entries and your story is heartbreaking. I have tears coming down my cheeks reading your heartbreak. I cant even imagine your loss. Hang in there and I hope in time you heal and that Wed. get much better for you. Your daughters are beautiful!

akayf said...

I hope you have better days. I kinda know what you mean about Wed....I found out my mom had cancer on a Wed and every Wed, I can't help but think we found out X weeks ago.

If you are still looking for ideas for Jack's fund...you wrote that you were thinking about helping a child with special needs. There is a family at my school that is struggling with a very sick 5 year old. Mom has been riding the bus to the hospital to visit her child every day for the past 3 months. If you want more info, please email me.

You could also contact your local schools. I'm sure staff there would know of a child or family that really needs help due to a child's illness.

Amanda
akf729@juno.com

Anonymous said...

"Will there ever be a Wednesday where I don't wake up and think, Jack died this many weeks ago today? I hope so" For me, it was Sunday. I loathed Sunday's for the longest time...I'm not sure how long it was before I didn't dread waking up on a Sunday, but it did happen. It will for you too.

I dreaded the mail as well. I used to get all these baby magazines and catalogs and junk mail. In fact, we even got a few cans of formula in the mail. I called that formula company and someone got an earful that day from me about sending unsolicited formula to a mom whose baby had died! I even went so far as to tell our mailman to please NOT leave me any mail that had to do with babies...and he lovingly obliged me.

I guess I just want you to know that someone out here understands what you are feeling...and that it is normal.

Sending you hugs from Florida.

Anonymous said...

Megan,
My daughter died on Wednesday too... I know exactly what you are talking about - it stinks (Well, there are better words to describe it, but it might be offensive.). I promise you, it will get better and the terrible hurt will someday be replaced with a sweet memory. What a privilege - to be here when they come and then again when they leave. I wouldn't trust that to anyone else.
Love, someone who knows.

Michelle M said...

From a fellow nestie- There is an artist constructing a wall in MKE, WI and I thought that maybe you would like Jack to be a part of it.

http://outsidemyhead.com/2008/01/25/for-children-lost-an-appeal-to-mothers/

Anonymous said...

Hi Megan,

My name is Lisa and I have been following your blog for quite awhile. I came across your site through Asher and Jacob's site. You are an amazing woman and an amazing mom. I am SO sorry for your loss. Thank you so much for sharing your precious Jack with us! I will be forever grateful for the impact reading your blog has meant to me. While I can't even begin to imagine your pain, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers daily. I will continue to pray for you especially on Wednesdays. Your daughters are beautiful!! I love all the pictures.

Here is a Website for you to check out as you consider your options for honoring Jack and keeping his Spirit alive.

www.4everhomes.org

My brother and his wife are starting a non-profit organization called Forever Homes. To help abused and neglected children find a forever family by being adopted.

They have recently adopted a brother and sister who had been separated into different homes. They are currently in the process of adopting another little boy, who has been abused and in and out of different foster homes. It has been so amazing to watch the whole process for these precious children who feel so hurt and rejected. The look are their faces when they find out that they are going to be adopted is priceless!! The organization is in it's infancy stage as they are raising money to get it all started. We are so excited as a family to see the amazing difference Forever Homes will make in so many children's lives. You can read about their vision and mission statement at their website.

I will pray for your family as you search for the perfect way to honor your precious son.:o)

God Bless,
Lisa

Delilah said...

With every day you will get even stronger than you have already been. I'm sure I have told you before that you and PJ are very special people. I hope nothing but solice to calm your heart in the near future.

Anonymous said...

Megan,
I love the first two pictures of the girls. I know it is hard to believe but Wednesdays will get better. Sending all our prayers and vibes over to you all.

nicole(mikeandnicole05)

Hyperfertile Infertile said...

Just thought I'd see how you're doing...kind of a silly question, but it's been awhile in between updates. I hope you and your girls are doing well!

Susie said...

I'm so sorry you're having a tough time on Wednesday's. Tuesday's are my day, and I remember the first one that passed, when I didn't think of my baby Angela, I felt guilty.

It is such a bittersweet ride. A success that it stops consuming every thought, but then the guilt that you didn't remember. Hold tight. Hold on to your husband and family and your beautiful little girls.

There are no words to make you feel better. Just know that you are thought of often and that I hope you are getting through your days with more smiles then tears.