I was in the middle of trying to write an entry that wasn't a total downer, when the mail came. The mail is such a minefield lately.... every day we get the most beautiful cards and letters, that really help. And then we get the medical bills, and the mail addressed to Jack. A letter came last week telling him he'd been taken off our insurance, and to bring the letter with him if he went to apply for new insurance elsewhere.... okay. Thanks.
Today, we got a bill from the medivac company that helicoptered Jack to CHoP.... for over $9,000. I opened it, stood there in the kitchen, and sobbed. It's not even the money - I don't think in the end we will really end up having to pay that much money. It was just the point. The sight of that piece of paper, telling me I needed to pay someone almost ten thousand dollars for a helicopter ride that basically took Jack to the place he died, was too much. Someone had highlighted in bright yellow the words SUBSCRIBER RESPONSIBILITY, and the total due, and then Jack's name. Yes, try and get it from Jack. Jack is dead, and yet we still are supposed to pay money for the futile, painful attempts that were made to save him. It seems so cruel. I would pay it a million times over if it had helped Jack get better. But I guess life doesn't work that way.
This is why people take to their beds and stay there for months - to avoid the moments like this. Some days I really wish I had that option.
So here's the entry I had started. It's rambling. Sorry.
I wonder when Wednesdays will just become another day of the week again, instead of The Day of the Week That Jack Died. Will there ever be a Wednesday where I don't wake up and think, Jack died this many weeks ago today? I hope so. Because seriously, Wednesdays suck. I'm not even always consciously aware it is Wednesday (not going to work, I lose all track of what day it is lately....), but somehow, Wednesdays always seem to be the hardest day of the week.
Yesterday I took Katie over to visit Jack's grave and the cemetery had cleaned it up, thrown out the old flowers from the funeral. It looked very nice, the only things left on the grave are a wreath my brother made out of limbs from our Christmas tree and his tree, and a little fire engine PJ bought. For some reason the sight of those two things sent me over the edge into borderline hysterics. Yay for Wednesday.
But today is Thursday, so let's try and make it a better day. So far - not looking so good. I got no sleep last night, thanks to little Miss Charlotte. She has the reflux, which was bad about a month ago, the doctor put her on Pepcid, it got better, then last weekend, it came back with a vengeance. She's been miserable ever since. They upped the Pepcid dose but I've yet to see any improvement. I feel so badly for her, you can tell she's in pain.
Charlotte is so funny... when she is happy she is really happy. When she is not happy - LOOK OUT. Run for the hills. It's ugly. Katie is so mellow and easy going. We say Katie is the Princess, Charlotte is the Diva.
The Princess and the Diva:
Remember that nursery rhyme, there was a little girl, who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead.... and when she was good, she was very very good, and when she was bad she was horrid... yeah. I hate to be labeling my children at 3 months old, but that's going to be Charlotte, trust me (maybe without the curl -though they are starting to get some hair! They look like they have little buzz cuts, so cute.)
We broke out a few baby things that the girls are just starting to get big enough for. The Bumbos were not a huge hit yet.... Charlotte seemed mildly entertained, Katie was definitely NOT.
This activity thing though, is great. Both girls are a little small for it still, but they are fascinated by it (in small doses).
Today is my mom's birthday (HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOGO!! LOL), so we're going out to dinner tonight. PJ is at work, so it's just me and the girls today. We're all sleep deprived, cranky and kind of smelly. I need to get us all cleaned, dressed and ready to go by 6pm. Wish me luck.
THANK YOU to everyone's suggestions on my last entry about what to do with the Jack fund, there are so many awesome ideas. I am considering all of them, and am planning on contacting many of you as soon as I get a chance. It's hard right now, since Charlotte is basically attached to me lately.... everything I type is done while holding a ten pound baby. It's not easy. But anyway, thank you all again, I appreciate the help so much. The post from Jennifer about her little boy buying gifts for children in the hospital was so sweet, it made me so happy- thank you. Keep the ideas coming!