Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Personal

I have this nonstop feeling of dread. It never goes away. PJ and I were talking about it today. Even if I'm not thinking about Jack, or even Katie's surgery.... I could be watching some mindless tv show like Biggest Loser, and there's still this feeling, this knot in my stomach, this gnawing worry worry worry in the back of my head. It's exhausting.

I think we're starting to reach a point with Jack where it's too hard and too personal to even write about it here.... I typed out a whole long entry then deleted it. Jack isn't doing very well. His 'episodes', where he stops breathing and his heartrate drops, are becoming worse and more frequent. Our family meeting on Thursday, I have a feeling, will not be a good one.

Please, just keep Jack in your prayers, like I already know you will. We all could use some help from above right now. I just want whatever is meant to happen, to happen. We've all suffered enough already, but Jack has especially. I can't take anymore, can't be forced to make any more decisions.

This is from the girls.... there was no point today where they were both awake (and happy) but I tried.






Charlotte is the THANK, Katie is the YOU.

96 comments:

Sarah Furlough said...

My heart goes out to you, and my prayers are with you and your family. I will keep you close in my thoughts on Thursday, and that your family meeting goes better than you expect.

You have been through so much, I know how hard it is to watch your child struggle. No parent should ever have to go through that.

Anonymous said...

Sending one of my continuous prayers for you all. Jack stays in my mind a lot.
I will say an additional prayer for you to have some moments of relief - those times when you realize that someone else is carrying the load for you.
- Carol
(Nestie Olderwiser)

Anonymous said...

Continuing to send prayers for you and your family. This is probably the hardest time in your life and I understand you not wanting to share every detail with the world. It's plain old hard to watch your child suffer and feel helpless at the same time. (I've only been there for a short time) You really are so strong. Best to you and your family.

Anonymous said...

My thoughts and prayers are with your family and especially baby Jack. I can not even begin to imagine what you are going through. My heart truely breaks for you. I'll be saying extra prayers for you guys this week.

Erica said...

my heart is filled with prayers for Jack. I feel your sadness through your posts and all I want to do is give you a big hug.. we are all pulling for your family. i can't imagine the burden you have on your shoulders. Jack knows that you and PJ love him.

Erica

Anonymous said...

Megan - I'm sorry that things just don't seem to be looking up for you right now. I know that you will get through it. I'm sure you have a rough road ahead, but thankfully, it seems that you have a fabulous support system that is there for you. Katie & Charlotte are getting so big! They are adorable! Jack is in my prayers...I think about him often. And - you are very welcome for the nestie gift. it really is the very least we could all do for you. :)
Angela(&Frank)

Kelly said...

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. You and your family are in my prayers.
Kelly (a nestie)

Anonymous said...

Megan,
I am so very sorry that you and your family are going through this very tough time. I continue to pray for you, your husband, and your three beautiful babies. I have been following your blog and praying for positive outcomes. The pictures of Charlotte, Katie and Jack are so precious. God is with all of you, as are a support system of friends and strangers alike who are sending you love and strength.

Kim

NoahAndZach'sMom said...

I'm praying for a Christmas Miracle for your Jack.

Anonymous said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I really hope your feeling is wrong and you have a good meeting on Thursday. We can all hope for a Christmas miracle for Jack. I hope you and PJ are hanging in there as best you can.
-Debbie (debfife)

Anonymous said...

I wish I could do something to make it better. I went into the city again this weekend and lit another candle for Jack at St. Patricks.

As always, continuous prayers for all of you.

Michelle

colleen (collrob) said...

I'm praying for a Christmas Miracle for your Jack too!

Anonymous said...

very cute pic of the girls!!!

Megan, my husband, son and i have said a prayer for your three beautiful kids (and you and PJ) every night since I first started reading your blog. We will continue to do so....

Sending you extra thoughts, prayers and vibes for Thursdays Family Meeting!

Irma (MamboMama)

Nicole said...

You and your family will be in my prayers. I am so sorry this is happening and I hope there will be happier days ahead. You are an inspiration to me because you are so strong. Your girls are so beautiful and that Jack, well he is very handsome!! Keep believing, Megan, I know I am!

Melissa said...

You are in our thoughts constantly. Again, PLEASE don't hesitate to call us for anything you need...I do mean ANYTHING.

Dibsgirl said...

TONS of prayers for your entire family. (((hugs)))

Anonymous said...

We added baby Jack and your entore family to our daily prayers. There are people all over the world pulling for him. I think this year he will be the Christmas miracle.

Cindy - cminNJ said...

My family is praying for your family. The picture with your daughters is beautiful.
God Bless

Anonymous said...

I'll keep praying for jack, Katie, and your family.

Crystal said...

I cannot imagine what you are going through and I am so sorry you have to go through it.

I hope your meeting goes well on Thursday, I hope you will update us when you can. I check your blog every single day for updates. Your story has touched so many people and you have so many people thinking and praying for you and your family.

You, PJ and your babies are in my thoughts and prayers.

Andrea said...

The girls get cuter every day!
All of you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Andrea (TiredAn)

Lesley (vedahanks on The Nest) said...

You and your family continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. My heart breaks for you.

Anonymous said...

Megan we are keeping All of you in our prayers, especially little Jack. All 3 babies are so cute! Your continued strength amazes me. Don't give up hope yet that you will get that christmas miracle.

natalie042205

CRS said...

Megan, the girls look great!!

You guys are in my thoughts often and I'm praying hard for you all.

-smallbutfeisty

Anonymous said...

Continuing to keep your entire family in our thoughts. ((((HUGS)))

dale594 said...

Megan, I am praying all the time for all of you. I pray that God is with all of you all the time and watching over you especially Jack. I know that Thursday may be a tough day and the man upstairs will be there to help you.

Anonymous said...

Megan,
I am so sorry you are going through this. ALl of you are in our prayers and thoughts everyday. The girls are so cute in the pictures.

Nicole(mikeandnicole05)

Katie C. said...

My heart breaks for you Megan! As always you are all in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

God Bless you and your family. I'm on the Nest and have been following your story. I think about you and your babies every day. Just reading your website has made me look at my own daughter differently and really appreciate every day that I have with her, so thank you for that. My wish for you and your family is for peace and comfort, however that comes about. It seems like angels are all around you in different shapes and sizes.

Anonymous said...

The girls are beautiful and Jack continues to be in my prayers, as well as the rest of your family.

Jennifer a.k.a boobaloo

Anonymous said...

continually praying for Jack and your family.
Lisa
(knittygrl)

Tammy (nestie lovinthefall08) said...

I pray for a Christmas mircle for Jack and your family and I hope the next few weeks you'll have some answers for both Jack and Katie and everyone will be at peace.

Liz said...

You are all in my prayers & always in my heart. We'll all be thinking of you on Thursday. xo Liz

Liz Ramirez said...

Just wanted to say that my prayers are with you and your family. Just know that God knows why everything happens and keep trusting him. I'm sure he'll give you both the strenght to overcome anything and everything.

Anonymous said...

I think about Jack and your family every day and I'm sending up a tons of prayers and good thoughts. I can only imagine how hard this has been for you guys and I hope there is some relief in sight.

I'll be thinking extra thoughts for you tomorrow.

Sarah
oct11bride03

Anonymous said...

Megan ~ You, PJ, Charlotte, Katie and Jack continue to be in my heart. Please know that I'm sending all the positive energy I can to your family.
Regina
(turtle7178)

Anonymous said...

I continue to pray for your family and for Jack especially. I pray for you to get through this difficult time and I hope you will get better news than you expect. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Elizabeth (mrs.hj)

Anonymous said...

The pics of your babies always brighten my day. Thanks for sharing them in the midst of everything that's going on. You can count on continued prayers for all of you.
God Bless,
Amy (ladygil)

Sommer said...

Megan, i cant say that i know how you feel, or that i know it will get better, But i just wish there was a way to convey how i feel for you and your family.
Every night before i go to bed, i say god, thank you for this and that, and please help this one... And every night, Im praying for you, Pj, jack and his sisters.
I wish there was something more i could do to help you. If there is every anything you need that i can help with, you know where you can find me.

Anonymous said...

Megan,
I just wanted you to know that you, PJ, the girls and especially Jack are in my prayers always... I wish I had better words of comfort but I will continue to pray for you all.
Love
Gina (from the yahoo group)

Anonymous said...

Hi Megan,
You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. It's amazing how much so even though we've never met, spoke, etc. Yesterday, I attended a service for someone recently passed. When I walked into the church, I immediately knelt down and asked this person to watch over Jack and put in a good word for him with God :) There are several people up in heaven that I know are pulling strings with the angels to keep constant watch over your entire family. I will continue to pray for a Christmas miracle and keep you in my thoughts.
--Dana
(Blackbeltbride)

Anonymous said...

I cannot pass along enough thoughts and prayers to you & PJ during the most difficult time of your lives (ehh,,and ya thought planning your wedding was hard). BIG STRONG HUGS to both of you, your beautiful children & your families to get you guys thru the Holidays with some spirit and cheer for your baby's 1st Christmases. My 2 y/o added "god bless" Baby Jack to her prayers at night & we all are hoping for a Christmas miracle or a joyous bell to ring in the New Year!
Peace & Love to All!
(Nestie, JoeJoe'sGirl)

beep said...

I am praying for your whole family. Peace to you and health for Jack.
Please accept hugs from afar. Though we've never met, your story touches my heart.

Anonymous said...

You and your whole family continue to be in my prayers. I keep hoping good things will come soon for you.
Carolyn (Mrs.cbcg)

MrsH said...

Prayers for your family. Sending positive thoughts and vibes to little Jack. May Christmas bring miracles for your family.

Anonymous said...

Prayers for your family and especially for baby Jack.

-praying for a Christmas Miracle

beth r.

Waukehsa, WI

Amy said...

Megan, your family is in our prayers every day

- Amy (MyColonyNJ)

Anonymous said...

Sending many prayers for Jack, for you and PJ, for your daughters and the doctors caring for Jack. I wish you all strength, wisdom, courage and peace.

Anonymous said...

Prayers to you and your family - especially little Jack. I truly hope and pray your meeting tomorrow has some good that comes from it, whatever that may be. Stay strong - you are an amazing woman.

Anonymous said...

megan i'm sorry that you may have to make a difficult decision. This is so heartbreaking. Jack and Katie are in my oprayers always. Sandy

CBP said...

I'm thinking of you all... I'm sorry youre going through this, I'm so, so sorry.

Anonymous said...

Megan - keep on truckin'. It's understandable why you deleted the long entry about Jack. Don't feel like you're obligated to share every detail here. The last thing we want is for this blog to be a burden or a cause of stress. We're here for you and your family no matter what!!

Katie (jerzeygirl) said...

Sometimes it's good to just get things out even if you don't share them with the world.

I'm constantly thinking about you guys. Stay strong sweetie! Love the pictures of the girls! Just as cute as you and PJ!!!

HUGS!!

Lotta said...

Absolutely praying for all of you.

Heather (friend-sister-wife-mother) said...

Your girls are just beautiful and I love the outfits and signs. Sending my continuous prayers and vibes to your family, especially Jack and Katie! ((HUGS))

Adrienne said...

My heart goes out to all of you right now and you continue to be in my prayers.
MrsAdrienneT

Kandas (Caelenesq fron Nest/Knot) said...

I just wanted to also let you know that I am praying for Jack, you, PJ and the girls. I pray for healing for Jack. I pray for strength for you and PJ as you both continue on this emotional journey. I also pray for peace. Peace of mind, peace of heart and peace of spirit for all of you.

God bless.

-Kandas

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you. Watching your child suffer is the hardest thing a parent can do and you've all had more than your fair share. I pray that whatever happens, Jack is at peace and so are all of you.

Love,
Kathy

Anonymous said...

My thoughts and prayers are with your family everyday.

Anonymous said...

All I can say is my thoughts and prayers are with you. I think of you and your family everyday.

Gillian said...

Sending all the vibes I can for you this week, as always.. I know this is going to be the toughest week yet.. we're all pulling for Jack and the rest of you.. my heart aches for what you're continuing to feel..

(((((hugs)))))

Anonymous said...

I have been saying many prayers for you and your family this holiday season. May the Lord be with you. May the Lord make his face shine upon you (and your little family) and bring you peace.

Anonymous said...

Megan, I am addicted to your blog. I check everyday for updates. I wanted to say Thank You to you. I was having a rough day and in a horrible mood and I logged on and saw your beautiful girls and actually LOLed. It looks like they want to say "Mom, enough with the signs already!" They are so beautiful and so cute. I want to squeeze those chubby cheeks!

close2it from the nest said...

I was introduced to your blog on the nest when your great friends were asking for prayers for you. I've since been reading your story and am heart broken for you.

I have added you, your dh, and those 3 precious babies to my prayer list. I want nothing more then for little Jack to pull through all of this so that he can join his beautiful sisters at home.

I know that all of this must be difficult for you to share and endure. However, I wanted you to know that I also suffer from IF and that you have been a true inspiration to me. Thank you for being so open and best of luck.

Anonymous said...

God, please guide these wonderful parents and give them the wisdom and strength they need. Meghan, please just take one moment at a time. Hundreds of people are praying for you.
-Kat

Anonymous said...

Just wanted you to know I prayed for you, Jack, and your girls. I truly hope you will get some answers soon.

Harris Boys said...

I am always thinking about your family. I know this has to be the hardest thing to endure. I will continue to pray for baby Jack and baby Katie. You are so strong, I really admire you. Stay positive...hoping for a Christmas mircale for your precious babies.

Katie
GA nestie

Anonymous said...

Megan,

Your babies are absolutely beautiful. I am so, so sorry for all that you and your family are going through. I am praying for a Christmas miracle for Jack just like so many other people here.

I don't even know you but I wish I could give you a hug! Please know there are people out there thinking of you and wishing your family only good news from now on.

Jessica said...

Megan, we are always thinking of you guys and especially Jack today. God's ears must ache from hearing Jack's name so much. We are always here for you.
Jessica (Franco)

Anonymous said...

By the time you read this your meeting may be over but my prayers are with you through all of this. There is nothing like the helpless feeling when there is nothing you personally can do to help your child...my prayers are with you!

Anonymous said...

Megan- I am so very sorry for all the tough things going on in your family right now. Your entire family is in my prayers and thoughts daily. You are a very strong woman and my heart aches for you. I continue to pray for a Christmas Miracle for your family!!
Amy (zorahangels)

Teresa Dunkin said...

Your precious babies are in my prayers. May God bless each of them, and give their doctors the knowledge and skill to take care of the problems they face.

Julie www.caringbridge.org/visit/hayden said...

I'm new to your story. I just spent and hour reading back. You have been through so much and my heart aches for you. I can tell you this though...Jack is so lucky to have such a loving family. You guys are doing a great job. Stay strong, I know it's hard, but you have to keep the faith. Hoping the holiday season brings you the many blessings you so deserve.

This Mom said...

I wish that best wishes and compassion could soothe your heartache and heal your precious babies. Please know that this stranger-friend is sending bucketloads to you and your family.

Linda said...

Thinking of you often and always praying.

Catherine said...

Sending lots of prayers and vibes your way. You and your family are always in my thoughts.

Catherine
cat429

Anonymous said...

Since hearing about your story on the Nest's Boston board, I've read your blog every day. I can't imagine what you and PJ are going through right now. My mom always says that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. He must know your strength. Know that there are many people - friends, family, and lots of strangers - pulling for you and your family. You are all in my thoughts and prayers each night.

Lisa (KenDsBride on the Nest)

The Hyperfertile Infertile said...

Just wanted to say that I hope you got good news today. I'm thinking about you guys, and praying that Jack will improve.

guinnf said...

Praying for you guys today. Hopefully, you found some answers today.

Kimberly and the GA Guinn Trips
www.guinnfamilyhome.com

Anonymous said...

I don't know you, or your family, and I don't have any children of my own yet, but your blog has touched my heart. I return often to read updates on your three beautiful babies, and I admire your strength through this difficult time. I hope to be as compassionate of a mother as you appear to be. Baby Jack is often in my thoughts, especially at this time of year, the season of miracles.

Amanda said...

Thinking of you today and sneding strength and hope for your meeting about Jack

Future Sgts Wife said...

I think of you often and hope that your meeting with the doctors yesterday gave you some answers, some peace and some positive news. Please know there are so many people praying for Jack and your family.
-Lisa

Patyrish said...

My daughter was in the hospital, things have been crazy and so I am just now logging on and reading this entry.

I VIVIDLY recall the feeling of dread you speak of here. It was all consuming. I feel for you because in this situation there really is no remedy for it. You have to tough it out the best you can. Your being brave and doing a good job of it although I know you don't feel brave at all. Trust me, YOU ARE AND SO IS PJ.

I am sorry to hear Jack is having these episodes more and more frequently. I pray that the meeting you had yesterday was a positive one. Although I know those meetings are ALWAYS tough. Anytime the docs wanted me to go into a room with several other medical professionals I wanted to run away, cover my ears or just escape reality altogether. That out of body feeling is pretty insane. You can hear what is being said but it's like your brain doesnt fully take it in. Ya know like Charlie Brown's mom? "wa wa wa wa wa wa".

Know that whatever choices you face with sweet Jack ARE in fact personal and I KNOW heart wrenching. NO PARENT should EVER be put in the position to make life and death choices for their baby. It's just not right. Don't let anyone else try and sway you one way or the other when it comes to sweet Jack. Only YOU AND PJ know what is best for him.

Praying for your family daily.

God Bless little Jack.

O'Connell Blog said...

Sending a million good thoughts for your little ones. I hope your holidays will be happy.
Casey"

Anonymous said...

I have been reading your postings for and I pray for your babies everyday. I have two children, one who is always sick, we've seen dr. after dr. I know the feeling of dread, I think that is a mother thing. I feel it all the time when my kids are not well. I wake up in the night and worry for hours, I now wake up and think of your babies too. You are such a strong person, when you said "For today, all my babies were loved and happy and that's what I need to focus on. I can't control much beyond that" I thought that's the best thing you can do as a mother and I now live by that. I'll keep you and your babies in my prayers. Try to take care of yourself, I know it's hard.

Anonymous said...

I am from the nest and I keep looking at your blog hoping to see some good news for you. I am amazed at your strength during this trying time and I truly with you, your girls and little Jack all of the best.

Anonymous said...

Megan,I check this blog daily hoping for an update or some good news. Your strength is remarkable. I wish you and your family peace. Hoping you get all the answers you are looking for.
With Love,
A CT Knottie

Liz said...

I am so sorry for all that you and your family are going through. You are so blessed to have such beautiful babies. I pray that your meeting went well and your prayers will be answered.

Anonymous said...

I've attemped to write several comments to this post, but I can't seem to find any words that would be comforting.
I just hope that you are able to spend this Christmas with all of your children and be able to make the wonderful memories that you deserve.
You don't always get to choose what happens in life, but you always have the choice of how to react. I must say, that you seem to be doing a wonderful job at handling everything life is throwing at you, b/c really all you can do is cherish the time you do have. So, make memories, take videos/pictures and hold every moment close to your heart.
Please know that Jack, you and your family are always in my thoughts and prayers.
God Bless You!

tbonegrl said...

continuing my prayers...

carmeng said...

I pray for a Christmas miracle for you and little Jack. I'm in tears hoping for the best for you - I can't even imagine what you are going through. You are so strong! May God continue to watch over your children.

Good Bless you!

Anonymous said...

I've been following your story for the last few weeks, after someone posted the link on the Nest. Most days, I can't decide which I want to do more, reach through the screen and give Jack a kiss or reach through the screen and give you a hug.

Today, I'd like to do both.

My thoughts are with you and your beautiful family.

Kristen said...

Megan,
You, PJ, Katie, Charlotte, and Jack are constantly in my prayers and thoughts.
I am praying and have many others praying for a Christmas Miracle for your family. I just don't believe that it won't happen. Your blog moves me and although I understand how it may be so hard to write about what is going on with your family, I hope you will use this as a way to find peace.
I wish you nothing but peace!
God Bless!
Kristen(kristen81603)

Future Sgts Wife said...

I just wanted to let you know your family is in my thoughts. No words I could ever write will make you feel better, make everyone happy and healthy - and make life "normal" again. Just know and find comfort that so many others are thinking about you and praying that things get better.... -Lisa

Alicia said...

hey megan,
i keep checking for an update...i hope everything is ok. I will continue to keep you all in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Love and prayers to your family.
Tara
njbride2000t